The Phoenix

“See that one there? I think that’s the Phoenix. Like the bird that burns then gets reborn” He’s got that big old blue book in his lap. Its cover is a little dusty still, but Ben hasn’t set it down since he found it in an old box of our uncle’s stuff under the stairs. “Can't you see its wings? Right over there, by that other one that looks like a spoon.” 

He’s pointing but I can’t follow his finger. I still pretend like I can see it. Throw in a bunch of “oohs” and “aahs” just to keep him happy. He keeps flipping through the pages of the book with one hand then reaches back to his half eaten s’more with his other. There’s sticky bits of marshmallow and chocolate around his mouth, but he keeps the book clean. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Just then I hit a pothole and I’m jolted back to reality. I feel the seat belt dig into my shoulder when I jerk forward and tense up. My heart’s racing and I can feel the tires slipping and in the back of my panicked mind I already hear the crunch of metal and shattering of glass. Just as soon as it starts to let go though I gain some more traction on this muddy road and keep rolling on like normal. There’s no one out here, no cell service either. I stay tense and alert for quite awhile after. Watching the road carefully, white knuckling the wheel.

I’d wanted to drive out here when it was still light outside, but a couple of delayed flights and some trouble getting a rental to take me out to my parent’s old house later and the sun had already been setting by the time I rolled up the empty driveway.

* * * * * * * * * *

“I like the Phoenix one. It’s symbolic.” He says it very matter of factly, trying to look pensive when he looks back up at me.

“How’s it symbolic?” I pull back my perfectly toasted marshmallow and put the end of the skewer between my teeth so I can get together some graham crackers and chocolate. Still trying to meet my little brother’s eyes even with my head down.

“Just ‘cause.” He looks back down at the book but I don’t think he’s reading now. Suddenly he closes it and wipes his mouth hard with his sleeve till all the chocolate and marshmallow is gone. He leans back and rests his head on a couple propped up pillows, pulling his yellow blanket tight around his shoulders.

It took us almost two hours of driving to reach the forest road we’d been looking for, then plenty more time driving on the forest road till we found somewhere we didn’t think we’d be disturbed, somewhere dark enough to see the stars and nice enough to pull off the road a little.

“I miss him too bud, and you know mom and dad do too.” My s’more is starting to get cold in my hand now, but I set it to the side. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

Another rough bump causes the hot coffee I’d been carefully trying to sip to splash up into my face and down the front of my shirt. I try to set it down in the cup holder but I can’t find it searching blindly with my hand in the dark. I end up dropping the cup onto the floor of the passenger’s side when I mistakenly think I’ve got it in the cupholder. I don’t even bother to look at the damage, the whole truck smells like coffee now. 

I hit the top of the steering wheel hard with my open palm. It hurts and even my wrist feels jarred. I hit it again. Then again. Then I wipe the coffee off my face with my sleeve and grip the wheel again. I’m almost there anyways.

* * * * * * * * * *

“It’s just not the same Alex. You’ve been off at college… and mom and dad have been so busy with the diner since Papa died. Uncle Seth picked me up from school every day, and took me to the movies and the comic book store every weekend.” He turns onto his side now, away from me. I let the silence stretch between us while he thinks. “I didn’t even know he liked stars. He never showed me this book.” 

* * * * * * * * * * 

After Ben had dug that big dusty book out of that box I’d found him in the living begging mom and dad to take him out to look at the stars tonight. “Pleasssssee! Pleassssee!” 

By the time I’d gotten there his eyes were all wet, and so were theirs though I don’t think Ben could see. They kept working, wrapping stuff up and piling stuff into boxes all around the edges of the living room while Ben stood at the center holding out the big book and waiting for them to say something.

There were a few different boxes around the room that my parents were sorting things into, and there were even a few select things my dad had wrapped up and placed in his own special little box to take home. I glance into it sitting by the doorway when I get into the room. There’s a black and white photo of my Uncle Seth when he was 9, sitting on a porch swing and holding a baby that must've been my dad. There was also an old dusty bottle of some whiskey that must’ve been fancy and expensive ‘cause it’d sat on my Uncle’s shelf for years and he’d never opened it.

Mom was carrying an armful of old newspapers over to a box marked “TRASH” when she finally responded. “There’s too much your father and I still have to do Benny, it’ll just have to wait, there’s no way around it. Put the book in your father’s box over there by the door.” She turns to point out the box and notices me standing there for the first time. “Oh Alex! Oh I didn’t even hear you come in! Come here!” She gives me a big hug and doesn’t let go for a while. Finally I pat her back and take her by the shoulders and gently push her away. She wipes her eyes and gives me a half hearted smile. “I hope the drive down wasn’t too bad. Are you hungry? I’ve got a roast in the slow cooker for tonight. Your favorite! with all the butter and banana peppers.”

“It sounds delicious mom, you really didn’t have to do that.” 

“ ‘Course I did, haven’t seen you in months.”

“I know mom, I’m sorry….I should’ve come down more often. But maybe I could take Ben out to look at the stars tonight? Give you and dad a little extra space to get some stuff done?” I’ve still got my hands on her shoulders and she pulls me in for another hug. 

“That sounds like a great idea dear. But where would you go?” She gets back to stacking up newspapers and wrapping up the few dusty trinkets Uncle Seth had collected over his years.

“Well if we just headed north for a bit we could find that old forest road we used to go camping on. It was always quiet up there, and it’s dark enough out there to really see the stars” I pick up a metal model car, a green Chevy, that’s all covered in dust. When I was a kid he’d had tons of these cars all over the top of his bookshelf, but this is the only one still on display. I grab a cloth and start gently dusting the car off while I wait for my mom to respond. 

“I don’t know honey... that’s quite a bit of a drive.” She glances over at my brother who’s still clutching the book and watching our exchange with big doe eyes. 

“We’ll leave early and get there just after the sun’s set, and we won’t stay too long. You don’t have to worry mom.” 

“Okay... well alright, I guess we should head home soon for dinner. I’ll make you some snacks for your trip too...” she trails off and looks down at a framed photo on the bookshelf. It’s a picture of Uncle Seth sitting on the steps of his porch with Ben. Ben’s got a small stack of new comic books in his lap and a huge goofy smile on his face. Uncle Seth’s wrapped his arm around Ben’s shoulders and he’s ruffling Ben’s hair all around. “Yeah, I think that’s a great idea Alex, thank you.” 

* * * * * * * * * *

“You still haven’t told me why the phoenix constellation is symbolic.” It’s been 20 minutes and two s’mores since he rolled back onto his back and started silently looking up at the sky. It’s a few more before he answers.

“It just feels like…. Like he’s back in a way. Watching over us. Stars are just balls of fire, it’s like the phoenix is up there burning bright to show us that he’s still here. Just changed.” 

“I like that.” I finally lay back and I start to think I can see it too.

* * * * * * * * * *

When I finally pull up to the campsite Ben’s already there, sitting out on the hood of the old beat-up truck he got last summer. A green Chevy. 

I shout out my window after I turn off my engine. “Sorry you had to wait! It’s been a hectic day!”

“It’s fine, I have all this beautiful nature to keep me occupied. Besides it wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t late every year.” He gives me a goofy smile when he says this, then starts setting up a little cook stove for marshmallows that he’d been holding in his lap. He’s still got that big blue book wrapped up in a bag in his truck, but he doesn’t take it out for a while. 

When he finally does he spends a lot of time trying to point out different constellations for me. “You know what?” he says after some time. “I’ve been reading through this book for so many years now, but I’m starting to think we didn’t see the Phoenix constellation that first night.”

“Really? Are you sure?” 

“Well kinda... unless it turns out we’ve been secretly living in the southern hemisphere this whole time.” We both burst out laughing when he says this. 

What’s funny is, even after Ben’s new revelation, this is the first time that I look up at those stars and think I see the constellation he pointed out that first night.