"Welcome to my one person show!
I will be controlling your every wish to move, speak or think for the next 180 days. This will occur between the hours of 9:00am and 3:30pm regularly and on a daily basis. If you are noncompliant, disruptive, and rebellious, prepare yourself for a variety of severe, punitive repercussions.
Yes, you there in the back. Oh, what’s that you say, ‘redundant’? Nice word! Here's another word to throw in your big, brain bucket: demerit! And your name is? James? Well, James, you will now be known as Jimmy. Let me write it down for you on the board so that you don't forget and fail to remember. Oh, I'm sorry, Jimmy, was that exceedingly, excessively too much redundancy for you to handle and withstand? Don’t worry. You’ll learn.
Everyone, stand up! I will now be rearranging your bodies in my presence according to how much I instinctively like, dislike or disdain you in general. Jimmy, you can stay right there by the door. Sally, there. John, Paul, Ringo and Star up here next to me. The rest of you have strange faces that I cannot read, so, find an empty seat.
My name is Miss Gruntles. It is not to be pronounced "Gruntless". Everyone say: "We love you, Miss Gruntles!" Oh my, that was sad, lifeless and disdainful. Did you hear that, Jimmy? One more time! Oh, thank you! That was somewhat acceptable. Also, I know, and I completely agree. You will never ever meet a more lovable person ever again in your life. What's that, Jimmy? You want me to read your book on the Greek god Narcissus? Oh, Jimmy, you are truly persistent in your back talk. Go to the office, and you will not be having lunch today. Also, we will be shipping you off to a more secure facility for that comment.
I bet you are all wondering when I will allow you to use the restroom. That is number 79 on my agenda. We will get to it by the end of the day entirely contingent upon how well you meet my expectations on a moment to moment basis. I'm sorry, you said something, Sally? You would like to know the meaning of ‘incontingent’? Don’t worry, dear, you’ll learn. Just remember this: your personal agenda must adhere to my schedule for such activities based upon my curricular requirements. To be clear, restroom breaks are considered an extra-curricular activity in my classroom. Any other questions? Good.
Class, you will be hearing a lot of bells here at Trapton School for the Unlearned. This is not simply in your head; though, most of you could obviously easily be gaslighted into utter madness. Hahaha. That’s a personal joke. These said bells will indicate the end of one activity and the inception of the next. If you have not yet fulfilled your task within the allotted time, you will finalize the work the very next day along with the new- also required- assignment in the same time slot given for completement of the original obligation. If you do not understand this, I will repeat it to you verbatim until you pretend that you do. What’s that, Sally? You say the correct word is “completion”? Sally, I am the corrector. You may never correct me. Go sit in Jimmy's former seat by the door.
Room 14, we have now had numerous interruptions to my instruction, therefore, I must address a certain recurring issue. When and only when it becomes absolutely imperative that you address me directly, you must stand on tiptoe, close your eyes and hold your hands up in a reverent position. Hahahaha. I'm only joking. Just silently raise one hand and wait until I notice you. Do not dare to utter my name unless you have first complied with this procedure.
When and only when you have obtained permission to speak, you will address me with a tone of love and approval, say please and thank you and mother may I several times before pleading your request. If you want to sharpen your pencil, the answer is “no”. Sharp pencils are dangerous, and I will not have it. If you want to tell me some personal sob story about your life, I do not care. I repeat: I do not care.
Any and all activities involving emotions ranging from light amusement to childish joy are completely dispensable according to my mood. You will find that my disposition directly correlates with the level of your collective compliance. Therefore, there will be brief, expendable, breaks built into each day for eating, breathing freely, and otherwise.
Enough of that though, let's discuss what you can count on: my expectations. I expect that you will: sit, stand, walk, talk, listen, read, write and crunch numbers in a way that pleases me. You will never: play, skip, laugh, talk, whisper, smile or joke during times which are not directly dedicated to such axillary activities. I'm sorry, Sally. You say the word is actually "auxiliary"? Go see Principal Castigate for your permanent disposal, oh, I mean dismissal. Strike two, you’re out!
All right, now let's talk perfect attendance. You will coerce your caregivers into getting you to this facility exactly on time, or you will suffer the consequences for their failure. Is that understood? To be clear, I do not want you here early, and it is entirely your fault if your bus is late and so on and so forth. In short, be here when I say and do exactly what I demand as I command it to be done at all times under my control or else. Or else what you would like to know? Or else you will be introduced to my proverbial bad side. I will demean and belittle you to the level you deserve.
Now we shall discuss lines. You will line up in line order the very moment you think that I may wish you to do so. You will get to know the back of the head of the one ahead of you like you know the back of your own head. Ha! If you so much as think about speaking in the hallways, I will know it, and you will be punished severely.
On to the curriculum, which you are expected to ingest fully and without question and/or complaint. The text books have been designed to both bore you into submission and to demolish all actual interest in the activity of learning. You will find that: history equals dates to be memorized, math adds up to a real story problem, and your choppy reading will be done loudly and in front of your judgmental classmates. That’s right, look to the right and to the left. These are not your friends.
You may have noticed that the volume of my voice is obnoxiously loud! This is my personal attempt to drown out the sound of your incessant breathing. Also, I have always been enamored with the sound of my own voice. Also, I hate children. Get used to it! Don't disappoint me! Let's have a great year! Here’s to day one out of 180! Just a fraction of the full picture!
This concludes my one person show. Thank you."
"Wow, thank you, Cindy. Your grade will reflect my reaction to your report. Have a seat."