Lunacy

“Hi everybody, Iris here, thanks for joining this late-night Zoom session. I understand it’s not easy after a long day of working in isolation but I hope that touching base keeps us on our toes.Let’s go over what everybody’s been doing and then we can see if there’s any gaps we need to cover. Marco, let’s start with you.”

“Marco actually isn’t online yet. Guess he’s still busy with something, he’s not usually late.”

“He’ll have a good reason, I’m sure. OK, let’s start with you instead, Aisha.”

“Yeah, I’ve been removing pearl featherworth from our pond.That South-American invader is feeling far too much at home. Now that the local youth groups can’t come as volunteers, we’ll need to step up our own efforts.”

“ Maybe if we get that wall up, it won’t get in our country.” 

“Gary, please stick to work-related comments.”

“What? I can’t air my own views on my own time now? Where’s the gratitude for logging on now?”

“Gary, we’re not having this conversation again or we’re taking this at-will employment situation you’re such a big fan of to its logical conclusion. Let it go and tell us what you did today.”

“I had to roost out a few people from the birding lodge. Once it was a father and son, who decided it was an ideal time to observe birds in as quiet as possible an environment. A position I agree with, if unfortunately not allowed. There was also a couple who..well, let’s say it’s not just mating season for the birds.” 

“Gross!” 

“Mating season is quite natural.” 

“For humans, though?” 

“It’s always mating season for humans, especially when they’re bored on a Saturday night.” 

“It’s Tuesday.” 

“There’s more boredom to go around these days. And it’s an alternative interpretation of the right to congregate.”

“Gary, nix the politics, please. Can we conclude that we need to bar entrance to the birding lodge, then?”

“Already done, boss, ma’am. Seemed only logical.”

“Your worth as an employee is greather than your annoyance as a colleague. For now.”

“I figured the “Don’t tread on me” will scare off most wannabe birdwatchers even before they notice the barricaded doors.”

“Dammit, Gary. Fine, enjoy your little victory. Whatever works in these strange times.”

“Marco, are you there now? Your webcam shows a lovely view of your bookcase, but that’s about it.”

“Yeah, hi, sorry. Just giving some water.” 

“Watering your plants?” 

“No, actually I- hold on, little fellow, I’m on a call here!”

“Marco? You’re out of view again.” 

“Sorry, just giving some attention here. Anyway, I walked along the visitor trail today. Saw some hikers. Most of them respected the social distance rules quite well. The ones I didn’t see, though, seem to have taken up littering as a new hobby. Mostly the usual, discarded candy wrappers and soda bottles. Some cigarette butts as well. That always pisses me off.”

“We can tell by the growling.” 

“That. That’s not me. Just a moment.”

“Marco? Marco, where are you off to? We’ve only got forty minutes on this call.”

“Sorry, had to calm him down. He’s in the dog crate now.”

“In the dog crate? You got a dog?”

“No. Well, not permanently. But let me continue. So after cleaning up the usual debris, I came across an entire discarded backpack. A big old army green number. Surrounded by half-eaten snacks and a shredded sketch book. A lot of drawings with moon phases and calculations.”

“Marco? Is your microphone working well? I keep hearing loud banging noises when you talk.” 

“Hold on. Let me. Just move. The crate. To the hallway.”

“There, I’m back.” 

“You ok? You look a bit flustered.” 

“Yeah. The little fella is stronger than he looks. Probably not yet at ease.”

“Carry on, you were talking about a backpack?”

“Ah yes. I normally don’t mind the stargazers, or moongazer I guess, they just want peace and quiet and no light pollution. But this one had made a right mess of things. When I went to pick up the backpack, I found myself lifting several kilos. And then the darn thing started moving!”

“I hope this doesn’t turn into another mating season incident.” 

“No, it was then I found the little fellow. He’s a beauty, but feisty.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The dog. He looks a lot like a wolf, but he was wearing some kind of collar fashioned like a priest’s collar. Guess it’s some kind of hipster thing, I can’t keep up with those.”

“Marco, you run around in a lumberjack shirt and have an immaculately coiffed beard. Nobody buys the ‘I’m not a hipster’ routine.”

“Anyway, he tumbled out head over paws, started yapping immediately and then howled at me. I would have sent him on his merry way if not for that collar.”

“We’ve heard him, now show him!”

“Sure thing, Aisha! Let me just carry the laptop here...OK, can you see him if I hold it like this?”

“Oh wow! He is a beauty! And not afraid to show off those canines, either.”

“How did he fit in a backpack? He’s nearly bursting out of the crate!”

“Probably a trick of the light, moon is coming out.”

“Always knew you’d be the type to take a refugee in your house without a proper vetting procedure.”

“Gary, I swear…”

“It’s OK, Iris. In fact, I named him Garoo because he doesn’t know when to shut up, either.”

“I’m offended but fully support your right to do so.”

“Hey Marco, thanks for your account. Do you need help cleaning up the hiking trail, do you think?”

“No, I got most of it and my new friend scared off everyone I came across on my way back home. I’m taking him to the animal shelter first thing in the morning, hope they have some luck finding the owner.”

“OK, thanks, we’ll move on to Richard now. Rick, how did your day go?”

“I’ve been tending to...I’m sorry, but do I have to speak over that racket?”

“Marco, sorry buddy, but could you keep Garoo quiet, do you think?”

“Yeah, sorry, he seems to be really fond of the moon. Let me just...hell, that crate is heavy....”

“Hello? Rick here, it’s even worse now, it sounds like metal bars snapping now. I can’t work like this.” 

“Marco, could you just mute your mic? Marco?”

“Why is his webcam suddenly covered in red?”

“Help me!”

“Marco? Is that you? MARCO?”

“Got loose..fangs!”

“Oh my god! What is that thing?”

“Shouldn’t let in any strangers.”

“DAMMIT GARY, FOCUS! What is happening?”

“That’s no dog! Not even a wolf!”

“Is that a man? Marco, is there a burglar? Marco?”

“That’s a manwolf. I’m grabbing my silver pellets.”

“Gary, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to exercise my second amendment rights on a werewolf, is what I’m doing.”

“Gary, stay the fuck home! Gary!”

*this free zoom meeting has ended*