Once Loved, Always Loved

I am standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into the horizon that stretched out before me. Saltwater licks at my cheeks and a wind from the east blows back my hair.

I turn around and there he was standing behind me. His facial features are a blur, but I can hear his voice, a resonating tenor as beautiful as a song. “Lucinda, please,” he says. “Come back from the edge.”

“This is your last chance,” I told him. “But, don’t worry. I know you’ll find me again. You always do.”

I don’t remember the act of jumping though I’m sure I did for the echoes of his voice screaming “No!” will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I jolted awake drenched in sweat with my heart trying to jackhammer itself out of my chest.

It was just a dream, I have to remind myself. I’m okay. Sure, it was just a dream in a long line of dreams where I am either dying or being killed. And why? What does it mean? And who is that man that’s always there? I close my eyes and try to fall back asleep, but I know it’s futile. I know what awaits me.

It’s 10 past 1 in the morning, but instead of being in bed, I’ve camped out in the campus’s library. I wouldn’t say I’m an insomniac where I can’t sleep. It’s just when you die in all of your dreams it makes it pretty hard to want to sleep. I get to get ahead on essays that aren’t due for weeks, so I guess I have to consider that a plus.

I was standing in the stacks, reading a random page from a book on Shakespeare for a paper that’s not due in a month when I sensed a presence standing near me. I looked up to see who it was. It was a guy I hadn’t seen around campus before. To be fair, I’m only ever in the library or the Literature Building so it wouldn’t be that hard for me to miss him. He’s my height, maybe an inch or two shorter, his brown skin is the same shade as mine and he looks as if he’s gotten just as much sleep as I have, probably less. Everything about him was weary and sunken in, like in the next second he’d pass out from exhaustion. He took a hesitant step toward me, his eyes beginning to water as he looked me over.

Without a word, he crossed the distance between us and wrapped me in a warm hug. I didn’t even think to push him away. I melted into the hug as if I belonged there. Who was this guy?

After a moment, he pulled away. He brushed a hand against my cheek and a laugh escaped his lips. “Finally,” he said. “I can’t believe I found you.”

I was sure I had never met him before, but he seemed to know me. I began to feel bad. Had I met him? Did we have class together? I looked at his face. He had high cheek bones and strong chiseled features. His was not a face that I would easily forget.

He threaded his fingers through mine. “I’ve missed you,” he said. “Let’s go out. Get something to eat.”

Heat rose to my cheeks. This had to be a joke or he’s confused me for someone else. I had never been asked out before, ever and it was clear the first time was not about to be then.

Just as he was about to pull me away with him, I dug in my heels. “I’m sorry,” I said. “But I think you have me confused for someone. Do I know you?”

He took a step back, taken aback. He searched my eyes. I don’t know what he was looking for, but I could tell it wasn't what he wanted to find, because after a few moments, he bowed his head and shook it sadly. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “My mistake. Forgive me.” He gave me a slight bow and quickly left back the way he came.

I stood there, dumbfounded. That was…weird. I turned my attention back to the book I was reading and go to flip to the next page. Suddenly, I stop with the page up in the air pinched between my fingers.

Something occurred to me. That conversation was weird. There was no doubt about that. And it wasn’t just because some guy asked me out in the library of all places. It felt familiar. He felt familiar as if I’d known him for a very long time. Then, it hit me. His voice. I’d never recognize his face, but I’d know his voice anywhere. Was it possible? Could he be the guy from my dream? 

I wedged the book back on the shelf where I found it, grabbed my bag from the floor, and went after him. It was the only way to find out for sure. If I hurried, I could catch up to him.

As I ran out of the library, the absurdity of what I was doing began to dawn on me. I was chasing down a random dude because he had a similar voice to a voice I had heard in a dream. There were probably dozens of guys on the planet that had the same voice. I was losing it. I slowed down to a stop to catch my breath. I should really get some sleep.

“Paul, she doesn’t remember me. She doesn’t remember anything about us.” It was his voice again. I looked around and saw him standing in one of the gazebos talking to a man who had a shaved head and piercings in both ears. Quickly, I ducked behind some bushes so they wouldn’t see me. Why? I’m not sure. Something about the tone of his voice made me think I wasn’t meant to hear what he was saying, but my interest was piqued enough that I needed to know. Luckily, the bushes and the darkness outside provided excellent cover.

“And you ran? Seriously, Gideon, what is wrong with you?” the man who I could only assume was Paul said. He had called the guy I met 'Gideon.' The name tickled at my mind, but I had no idea why.

“What else was I supposed to do?” Gideon said. “Breaking the curse is going to be much harder to do if she doesn’t know what’s going on. 19 times she’s been reborn and she’s never not remembered me.”

Paul shook his head. “Well, I hate to be the bearer of more bad news, but Christion from Sector 9 has caught scent of us. Apparently, he’s still peeved at you for skipping out on payment 5 decades ago.”

Gideon’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. “Christion assured me he could break the curse. I told him I wouldn’t pay him if he couldn’t. I’m the one that should be mad.” His bold words contradicted the fear in his eyes.

“You think that’s going to save you when he gets here?” Paul asked. “If he’s on his way, we need to go now.”

Gideon shook his head. “I can’t leave without her.”

“She doesn’t remember you,” Paul said. “She has no knowledge of us. Don’t think you think she’s safer if we leave without her. We can always come back.”

There was a long pause and then Gideon whispered, “I hugged her.” I could still feel his arms around me and I had to fight the heat rising to my cheeks.

“You did what? Seriously, what is wrong with you?” Paul’s voice was tense with a combination of anxiousness and anger.

“I missed her,” Gideon said. “I wasn’t thinking and I hugged her. And now she’s got my scent all over her and now Christion will come after her and it’s all my fault. Again.” The words rushed out of him. Why did I feel a pull in my chest to go over to him and comfort him?

Paul put both of his hands on either side of Gideon to calm him. “Gideon, deep breaths. She couldn’t have gotten far, right? We get her and then we hightail it out of here. Got it?”

Gideon nodded. Just as they headed down the path back towards the library, I stepped out of my hiding place right in their way. They jumped back from me, probably surprised to have found me so soon.

Paul recovered first. He looked me up and down and said, “Dang it, you weren’t lying.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a closed fist. “Sorry about this, Luce, but we really got to go.” He opened his hand and I could see that it was covered with a golden powder. He drew in a deep breath and blew the powder towards me. My eyes fluttered as the powder seemed to hang in the air around me. I yawned and a rapid drowsiness came over me. The next moment, I fell back into someone’s arms, fast asleep.

In my dream, Gideon is running ahead of me. For the first time, I can see his face, twinkling eyes and infectious smile.  He is laughing and occasionally looks back at me who’s running after him. I’m laughing too, trying to keep up with him, knowing I might never.

Soon, he stops. He turns around, opens his arms to me and I run into them. He lifts me up and swings me around. “I’ve got you,” he says, spinning me.

Even when he sets me down, it still feels like the world is spinning and I couldn’t be happier. He looks at me with a huge smile on his face and so much love in his eyes as he said, “You know I love you, right?” I did. I could truly feel that he loved me. There was no mistaking it. So, why didn’t I remember him?

“Did you have to powder her?” I could hear voices at the edge of my consciousness. It was Gideon and he sounded annoyed.

“We couldn’t afford to waste time on you getting all goo-goo eyed over her or her demanding an explanation. Now you’ve got all the time you need.” We were in a moving car. Paul was in the front seat while Gideon was in the back seat with me. I kept my eyes closed and listened.

“But did you have to kidnap her, though. Kidnapping is a crime in this sector, dude. She probably already thinks I’m a creep and now she’ll think I’m a criminal, too.”

Paul chuckled, “You’re at the very least an accessory. I don’t think she’ll hold it against you.”

I had to laugh then. “Don’t be so sure.” I blinked my eyes open and sat up. “And by the way,” I said, leaning forward to Paul. “If you had asked me, I would’ve gone with you. No questions.”

“Really?” They asked in unison.

I sat back in my seat. “12 years, I’ve been dealing with bad dreams where in each one of them, I die. And in each one, there’s someone always there. I can never see his face, but I hear his voice and that voice belongs to you,” I said, pointing to Gideon. “I don’t know how or why, but that’s got to mean something. So yeah, I’m here for the ride because I want answers. What’s the curse? Who are you and why don’t I remember you?”

Paul laughed, surprised at my candor. To Gideon, he said. “We need to get off this sector. Where’s the nearest waypoint?”

I looked at Gideon and in the past few moments something had changed. Whether it was my response or Paul’s that caused it, I wasn’t sure. He was anxious, fidgety, his movements were almost frantic, like he was a second from jumping from the moving car.

Instead of answering Paul’s question, he was mumbling to himself. I could catch some of what he said. “This is all my fault,” he said, under his breath. “All I wanted to do was break the curse. All I ever wanted to do was keep you safe, but now all I’ve done was endanger you. This is all my fault. How could I have screwed up so much?” He covered his face with his hand and for a moment I didn’t know what to do. But quickly, I realized what I wanted to do. I reached for his other hand. He let me take it and the warmth of our hands holding each other seemed to calm him.

“Talk to me,” I said, after a few moments had passed.

His voice was barely above a whisper. “You’re on your last life. If you die this time, if Christion kills you because of me, that’s it. You don’t come back.”

Paul groaned sadly, “Man, why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s all my fault,” Gideon said.

“How is it your fault?” I asked.

Paul answered. “Let’s just say Gideon was a different man a couple of centuries ago and he pissed off the wrong witch. Instead of cursing him, she cursed you instead.”

“We are both supposed to be immortal,” Gideon said. “But she made it so you can die. Then you get reincarnated just for you to die again. I’ve had to watch you die over and over. I’ve been trying to break the curse ever since. I went to Christion for help and he couldn’t deliver. Now, he’s after me, after us. It’s all my fault.”

I didn’t know what I could say, so I squeezed his hand. I wonder what that must’ve felt like to go through that. I can’t imagine the pain he must’ve been in.

Pain? Pain is watching the man you love being consumed with a curse that he has no hope of lifting.

What? Neither Gideon nor Paul had spoken. The voice had come from somewhere inside me.

I never cared about that stupid curse. All I wanted was to be with him. After all these years, I’m still just a curse to him. I’m not even sure if he loves anymore. Ask him if he does. This was getting too weird. Though I definitely felt something for him, I wasn’t about to admit to loving him this soon.

The voice groaned, “I’ll do it myself, then.”

I felt a pull inside my head and then, “Gideon, do you love me?” Well, that’s just great. The voice had taken the wheel and I no longer had control over what I said.

Gideon seemed taken aback. He searched my face for an explanation and smiled when for once, he found what he was looking for. “Lucinda,” he breathed. “You’re back. Oh, how I’ve missed you.”

Ahh, so that was the voice I was hearing and who was now speaking. It was me or rather a past version of me. She didn’t seem moved by his words. “Gideon, do you love me?” She repeated herself.

“You know I do,” he said. “Why would you even ask?”

“Because I’m betting my life on it,” she said. “I’ve got one life left. You understand that, right?”

“That wouldn’t be the case if you hadn’t jumped,” Gideon cried. So, that wasn’t a dream, but one of my past lives when I died.

“I jumped,” she began. “Because now you need to make a choice. Do you love me or do you feel obligated to be with me because of the curse? Every time I come back the only thing I hear from you is ‘how we are going to break the curse?’ ‘We’ve got to do whatever we can to break the curse so we can be together forever.’ I’m sick of it, Gideon! All I wanted was to love you for as much time as we had and then die and we'd have a chance to do it all over again, but no. I don’t know when or after which reincarnation, but somewhere, some moment in there, you forgot to love me. If you no longer love me then you need to let me know, so I can live this life with someone whose does.” I could feel her pain and sadness and anger as if it was my own. In a way, it was.

He squeezed my hand. “You know I love you, Lucinda. You know I’ll always love you.”

“Then you only have one life left to prove it. This one loves you, but has no memory of our history. You have a chance to start off fresh. Treat this one right, Gideon and for our sake, please don’t make the same mistakes.” I felt her ease herself back into the secret corner of my consciousness where she came from.

It was silent for a minute until Paul was the first to break. “That was so weird, right? Like, seriously. Does that mean each reincarnation of Luce is a different personality? Can you bring them out at will?” He seemed almost giddy at the possibilities.

“Paul…” Gideon warned to which Paul replied with a quiet “Sorry.”

Gideon looked at me. “You don’t owe me anything,” he said. “I know we’re no more than strangers.”

I scoffed lightheartedly, “I think we’re a lot more than that.” I could feel it with each passing moment. We were much more than strangers. Though a second ago, I wasn’t ready to admit it, it was getting harder to dismiss how much I loved him.

He held my eyes with his. “I swear to you, I will keep you safe,” he said. “I will always love you no matter how much time we have.”

I smiled, reached for him and hugged him tight. No one knew how much time we had and in the end, it didn’t matter. We had a love that transcended time and we couldn’t ask for more than that.

“Love you, too,” I said. “Always.”