When You Were Here

A long time ago, when my hair was a golden brown and my skin full of an inner glow, I was given a choice. At the time it was an easy one. I could stay in the same dreary town I’d always known, or I could travel the world with the one person who truly mattered to me. The answer used to seem so obvious but now it’s not as simple and I wish I’d put more thought into my impulsive decision. Still, the few years that followed were some of the best of my life and though we did not have a fairy tale ending, I find myself still smiling each time I look back. I loved him. I still love him, and I think I always will. Once you fall in love, truly fall in love, you can’t completely move on. A piece of that love will always remain with you because it is essential to who you are as a person. Experiences such as those never fade, and I wouldn’t want them to. So, as I look out the window and see snow fall, I see us. I remember that stupid, tense atmosphere we had when I told you I loved you for the first time. I knew you had trust issues and those weren’t simple words to you, but I had meant it and when you finally turned around to look at me… That ring still glitters on my finger today. It was a promise ring. A promise that you would love me forever. A promise you never got to keep.

I was racing down the halls of the hospital, not caring about the nurses’ warnings to slow down. I was frantic. How could you have been so stupid? We were going to be together forever you idiot! When I got to your room with my breath coming in ragged gasps, I couldn’t stop the tears that started to form, and my anger melted into something else. Regret, guilt, and most of all, sorrow. It was a distinctive sort of sorrow. Instead of crying over what was happening then I was crying over what could have happed in the future. I cried over a life we could have had. I cried at the thought of never starting the family we wanted or that beach house we couldn’t stop talking about or seeing my parents together and apologizing for running off without a goodbye or…. There were too many things we would never get to do. I walked up to the bed you were sleeping so peacefully on, you looked so calm. Too calm. As if you were ready for what you knew was inevitable and you’d accepted it. I bended over and cried on your lap after that. When I had cried from the doorway, I was crying from the possibilities but when I had seen you up close my mind was focused on the memories we had shared and that desperate desire of keeping you alive. I don’t know why the flatline was such a surprise. Not even the best of us can cheat death and you certainly were not among the best. Heh, you were not even close to the best. Your flaws could be seen on your face, the way you walked and the way you talked. But I loved you for that. The more you got hurt the more beautiful your world view got. When we did things as simple as taking a walk you always were enamored by things I couldn’t even begin to understand. You had that dreamy look on your face, the same one you had as you lay on your death bed. I wonder what you were dreaming about and if I ever would have found it as beautiful.

Before your health issues came up, we were on the run from normalcy and chasing a future we’d pictured in our mind time and time again. Our first stop was Paris, France because you had insisted that all traveling couples must go there to put a lock on a bridge to keep our love strong. I never believed in things like that, but it made you happy and I was perfectly fine with humoring your wish if it meant that I could see that brilliant smile of yours. In fact, most of our travels were planned by you for this very reason. It wasn’t really the world that interested me, it was you. You had this need to see all you could everywhere you could because new sights made you exhilarated and left you speechless but all I ever wanted to look at was those faces you would make. It was always worth it. To see someone be passionate about something is like seeing a rainbow with the most vibrant colors I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

             Being able to take off around the world wasn’t easy though. I was 18 and you were 19 when we first told our parents of our idea. We’d only known each other for two years and my parents were less than thrilled at the thought of me all alone across the world with a guy I barely knew. Needless to say, chaos ensued. I constantly fought with them about my safety and rationale. I thought I was completely capable of taking care of myself and that they were disrespecting you but looking back on it, I admit I did sound crazy. I loved my parents, but I was a love-struck teenager and those are the most stubborn teenagers. So of course, this meant that my next line of thought was to just go behind their backs and contact them once they came to their senses. This will always be one of my biggest regrets. Not saying goodbye. I waited for you outside your house with my luggage and a ticket. You were against it at first, adamant that I at least tell my parents, but I refused knowing they would never let me go if I told them and you eventually gave in. By the time I was ready to speak to them it was already too late. They had been in an accident on their way to the airport. On their way to see me. I cried for days, the guilt had been overwhelming, but you helped me out of it and with time my fractured heart began to mend as I had begun to forgive myself.

             When we first met it wasn’t an instant click. I didn’t know you were the one as soon as we locked eyes and it wasn’t until a while after that I began to warm up to you. I still remember your flushed face as you asked for my number. It wasn’t nearly as casual as you had intended it to be, and I couldn’t help laughing. This only made your face turn a deeper shade of red and that only served to make me laugh harder. You started to back up, taking my laughs as ridicule and not knowing how to express what was really happening, I reached out and kissed you. It was a quick kiss but when I pulled back, you stared slack jawed for a good minute and it started to make me nervous. Then, a smile broke out across your face and I swear it was like seeing a sun set rising just above the horizon. You gently tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear and whispered how glad you were that you weren’t the only nervous wreck. Funny how a moment as simple and as awkward as that one can be so meaningful because it was that moment that I knew. I knew that I could not allow myself to have a future without you in it.