On My Way

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were someone else. Would I be happier? Feel more peaceful? What would I be like if I were comfortable with myself? This feeling of discomfort sits with me always. She wouldn’t feel this way.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Especially today. She wouldn’t want that.

Nevertheless, I continue on with life. I get up and get ready. I head to the school for my 6:30am soccer practice. I’m a few minutes late. She was always the first one there.

“Hey Winnie,” my friend Val says while yawning. Others echo both the greeting and the yawn.

“Aw, come on ladies, where’s the enthusiasm? The excitement? The energy? It's game day!” I attempt to rally them up. That’s what she would do after all.

“My energy is about three hours away from kicking in,” Macy informs me “try again then”

“Hey, we have a huge game this afternoon, and we need this practice. She may not be here yet, but in the words of the infamous Coach Sandy Wells ‘Get off your asses and get to work!’” 

“Hey, that’s my line” my coach laughs as she walks up behind me “She’s quite right ladies. Get up and get to work.”

With a lot of grumbling and moaning, practice finally begins. We run sprints, do our stretches and do some shooting drills. The air is brisk and cold, but with the hard work we warm up quickly. As the goalie, my job when having my own team shoot against me is to make the girls work hard but still keep up their confidence. Let a few in, but don’t make it easy for them. 

It’s 8:00 when coach tells us to go change for class. 

“Good work ladies! Now be prepared to kick butt today!” she calls as we walk away “Hey, Winnie, pull back for a second.”

“Yeah coach?” 

“Just wanted to thank you for rallying the girls out there. You do that so well.”

So did she “Awe, well, thank you coach.”

“Keep that up, and next year you’ll easily make captain.”

Being captain. Every player’s dream. That’s all she wanted.

“Sure hope so, coach.” It’s what she would have wanted.

The day goes by slowly. I do my best to listen to what’s being said, but it’s hard. I keep zoning out. She wouldn’t be so distracted. 

“Miss Lynn! Pay attention!” my teacher yells in math. All of her teachers loved her.

 I can’t find it in me to eat lunch again today. My friends put it down to nerves and excitement. This is not the truth, but I let them think so. She actually would’ve been nervous and excited. 

Suddenly it’s game time. I don’t want to go. All I really want is to lie in my bed, alone. She wouldn’t miss the game. She would go. She wouldn’t feel like this. Despite being relatively talented at soccer, I don’t enjoy playing it. She enjoyed playing. 

I get changed. I go to the game. I look for my parents. They’re not there. They never missed a single one of her games. I lead the cheer. Same one she led. I head over to the goal. Her initials are still carved into the metal. I’m there but I’m not, sitting on autopilot. Lead completely by muscle memory. 

Despite my lack of focus, I only let them score twice. She wouldn’t have missed a single goal. We win the game by three. My team cheers. Since it’s a Friday game, we go out for supper. I have no desire to go. She went to every post game event. I go anyway. 

I don’t eat at the restaurant. I say that I ate before the game. She hated lying. Finally I get to go home. She would have invited everyone in. I say goodbye to everyone. I ignore my studying and go watch tv. She always prioritized homework. I try to go to bed early. I can’t. I lie there for hours and hours. Why are you so bad at this? She was so much better. Everyone loved her more. You’re a second hand replacement. A phony. You want to be her, but you’re not. You’re not good enough. You’re worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, lying…

I finally drift off.  Don’t forget what today is. I get up and get ready. Four years. I go downstairs. My mom is gone. She wishes it was you instead. I see some of the divorce papers on the table. If she was here, this wouldn’t be happening. My mom’s written post-it notes all over them because she dislikes what dad and his lawyer is proposing. She would have been able to fix their issues. I head out to my car. It was her car. I start the drive to school. At the stop sign, I hesitate. Then I turn left instead of right. She never skipped school. I drive for a while. Wasting gas. An hour later, I end up at the cemetery. You don’t visit her enough. If it were you, she’d be there every day. 

I walk over to the grave. The inscription reads ‘Mackenna Lynn. Beloved daughter, sister and friend.” 

“Hey there Mac.” Why has it been so long. 

“Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been busy.” She would have made time for you.

 “I miss you, like, all the time,” And then the tears begin to flow “Everyone misses you. Me. Mom. Dad. Your friends. Everyone. You were so great that it’s been four years since you died, and we still all miss you. And I know it’s not your fault, it’s mine for getting you to drive me that night, and it’s the stupid bastard’s who hit us while drunk off his ass. Mom and dad blame me too. You’re dying broke us. They can barely look at me. I tried doing what you did. Everything you did. I stopped acting and took up soccer. I play goalie like you did. Coach thinks that I’ll be captain, just like how you were going to be. I work hard to get good grades like you did. I do everything I can to be like you. Because I thought it would be easier. That the guilt would lessen if I were to live the life you wanted instead of living the life I chose. Because it’s all my fault.”

No it’s not.

“Yes it is.”

 No. It’s not. You becoming her is not what she would have wanted. There’s other ways to keep her alive. You do not need to sacrifice your own happiness for her sake. She never would have wanted that for you. She loved your acting. Your passion for it. Your art. She went to every play. She loved soccer but she never wanted you to play if it didn’t make you happy. Because that’s what she truly wanted; for you to be happy. She loved you so much. You meant everything to her. That’s why she was driving you to your friends that night. That’s why when she realized what was happening she turned the car so that her side of the car would take the most damage. She protected you, because she loved you. 

The sudden change of internal dialogue shocks me. Because it’s right. All she ever did want for me was to be happy. 

For the rest of the day, I sit there and cry. 

Three months later, I’m auditioning for the spring play. I was too late for the winter one, and it would be wrong to have abandoned my team when the season was so close to ending. But I did tell my coach that I wouldn’t be returning for the spring season. 

The past few months have been hard. Re-discovering yourself is difficult. It’s a process. But it’s necessary for happiness. While I still mourn for my sister, I’m done trying to replace her and now I’m living for myself, which is what she would have wanted anyways. I’m in therapy now, something I resisted for years. I’ve got my mom going to. We talk about my sister more and more. 

It’s not perfect but it’s something. And while I haven’t completed the journey to finding myself, I’m well on my way.