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Holiday

Here we go again. New beginnings, new year, new you. I hate this. It is always the same blather. Nothing but nonsense. Why should I bother? It’s not as if any of it will actually happen. I would love to know how many people actually follow through. I’d bet good money that very few do. Stupid superstitions.

What sadistic jerk thought of this twisted tradition anyway? I know there’s probably some historical reference to support this ludicrous task. Although, I doubt the early humans avowed to lose 20 pounds by spring. Today, most people I know detest doing it. Yet, every year, the same question rings in with the tune of Auld Lang Syne: “What is your New Year’s Resolution?”

From now on, my resolution will be to not make any New Year’s Resolutions. They are hollow promises that we make to ourselves. It’s a masquerade that we put on for friends and family. Lose weight, stop smoking, drink less, work less. We swear to start immediately and be diligent… tomorrow. It’s a lie and I’m done lying to myself. 

I know what the reactions to not making a resolution will be. I’m positive I will get many odd looks and sarcastic comments. I’m not doing this because I think I’m better than anyone else. It’s not that there isn’t anything I can change about myself. I have many flaws. I’m an imperfect person, but why should I have to declare them and reveal my weaknesses for all to see? Those realizations are hard enough to admit to myself in the privacy of my own thoughts. I couldn’t share them with my circle of friends and family. I do not like to be that vulnerable.

That’s how this act makes me feel: vulnerable and exposed. I’m letting others know what I think is my flaws are. The people I love do not need to know what I truly think of myself or what I do in private. They do not need to see the darkness inside me. If they can’t see it already, I don’t want to show them where to find it. Let them continue to believe I’m the person they think I am for as long as they can. Maybe I’m just a coward. I’m afraid of what they will think of me. Or, worse yet, that they already knew and have been pitying me. 

If I am honest about my faults, I’m giving others an advantage over me. Do I want to give others that power? Knowledge is power and the more knowledge others have about how I view myself is power over me. What can they do with that power? Manipulate or hurt me? What will they find? That answer I do know. They will find insecurity, anxiety, and loathing for myself and others. They will find things I don’t always want to admit to myself. I especially do not want to admit them to anyone else. I can’t be honest.

If I lie about what my resolution is, then it will sound obvious and fake. There are the go-to resolutions that don’t really apply to me. I’m quite petite, so my weight isn’t an issue. I can’t force myself to grow taller, so that’s out. I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs, so I can’t promise to stop doing those things. I curse a lot, but I know when it’s socially acceptable and not. I have enough degrees, a good job, a home, a husband, kids, and pets. Should I declare that I’ll stop biting my nails, get more sleep, or eat healthier? It’s all crap if you ask me. All cosmetic and fluff. It’s all for the audience, not for the actual person, because no one wants to reveal the truth about themselves out loud. People don’t want to hear the truth any more than they want to hear about another’s political views. In my opinion, that should be a more widely used resolution: not to discuss politics, but let’s face it, that’s unreasonable too. It’s almost as unreasonable as expecting others to be kind and accepting of differing views, but that’s a different tirade.

There are those who I call “hardcore.” They follow through on their resolutions for weeks or even months into the new year. Those people are stronger-willed than most. I know of very few people who keep at it year-round. Most people are fickle and have very short attention spans. They get bored too easily and ditch the routine for something new and exciting. A new bandwagon to jump on. I’ve done that. I’ve been that person every year. I know this about myself and I accept this fault. I’m not going to set myself up for failure again. It makes me feel defeated. I could press on and make sure that I persevere in the commitment of that resolution. I just have to get over that hump and it will be smooth sailing from there. Until life gets in the way, as it always does.

If I were to truly resolve to make a change to better myself, I would want to think bigger. I would want to make an impact and do some real good for society. How do I vow to be kinder, more mindful, or more charitable when I am so utterly disappointed and cynical of this society? I could say my part and call for action, but I am positive someone will get offended and I would probably get sued. Or, someone will take what I say out of context, twist it, and cost me my livelihood and dignity. Welcome to the digital world of fake news. No thank you. No soapboxes for me.

My only choice is to resolve to not make any resolutions at all. I’m not getting any younger and I am pretty set in my ways. I’m not going to change for anyone except myself at this point in my life, and that conversation should be kept between me, myself, and I. I can make a silent pledge to myself and not tell anyone my plan of action. No one needs to know what I am thinking or intending. I don’t need to say it out loud for it to be true. That’s another problem today; no one can keep their mouths shut anymore. Just because there is a thought in your head, does not mean it should come out of your mouth. I think I’m going to take my own advice and shut my mouth. 

That is my resolution: to shut my mouth and not make any proclamations about anything. I will not make fake promises or vows to be “better.” I will not pretend. I will not lie. I will not unveil my flaws or negligence. I will remain unwavering. I will stay mute. I will not make a New Year’s resolution.

I really like this idea. This year for Lent, I’m giving up religion.



January 22, 2020 19:00

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