Not Worth It

Submitted into Contest #74 in response to: Write a story in the form of a top-ten list.... view prompt

222 comments

Sad Fiction Contemporary

Trigger warning: Suicide, death


Things to do before I leave:


1.   Hug my mother. Say I love you to her, even if I don’t mean it, because I won’t. She never loved me. She always loved her other children more than me. But she tried, I’m sure she tried to love me. It is my fault that I’m so unlovable. It’s my fault that I was always so moody and depressing, that talking to me was more of a chore than a pleasure. I didn’t deserve the same love that my siblings always got, I know that. But I wish I had gotten at least a fraction of it. It’s too late. If you’re reading this Mom, you know I’m being honest. I’m always honest, no one ever believed me when I was alive. But now they will. Everyone believes a dead girl’s last words.


2.   Hug my father. Say I love you to him and mean it because I will. I will hold his photograph and kiss it. I will leave today with it tucked into my jacket’s inside pocket. He knew me, even though he didn’t. I knew him, even though I didn’t. We are the same. He reached the same conclusion as me, knowing that leaving was better and easier than staying. He did it too. I was always ‘the girl whose father killed himself’ growing up. I guess I always knew that I would end up the same way, whether I wanted to or not. It’s in my blood.


3.   Go to all of my siblings’ rooms and take the stuff they’ve stolen from me over the years. All the t-shirts, jackets, sweatshirts, pens, books and ink they’ve taken without asking me at all. I’m going to take it all back. I’m going to smell those items in the privacy of my bedroom, and I’m going to try to see if those smells trigger some memories, at least a single happy memory. If it does, then I’ll return the objects back to their previous positions. If it doesn’t, I’ll stack it all up in my bedroom for them to find after I leave, just for them to realize that they should have asked me when they had the chance.


4.   Eat a filling dinner. I have not been eating very much at all for the past few days, in anticipation of what I’m about to do tomorrow. I realize that if I don’t eat enough, they will put down the cause of my death as an eating disorder. I will not cause them to make such a blunder. My body must be in a healthy condition so that they immediately conclude that I have committed suicide. I am not going to ruin their investigation; I want to help them as much as I can.


5.   Try to talk to my siblings. My older sister especially. She’s always too busy to or has other people much more of her mindset to talk to. It’s not even like I’ve ever wanted to talk to her. Okay, I'm lying. I've always wanted to talk to her, I've never seen anyone more perfect than her. But whenever I even approach her, something more important comes up. This time I’m going to be firm. I’m going to hold a conversation with her and see if anything comes out of it. I want to see if making an effort would change our dynamic, at least for a few minutes. I want to see if I would think about talking to her again. My younger siblings can't be reasoned with. They shun me, even though they aren't even old enough to know what they're doing. They do know, however, that spending any time with me is totally pointless. So they stay out of my way, and I stay out of theirs. That’s how it’s going to be, and I better accept it.


6.   Study a subject I hate. My mind is leaning towards Geography or Physics. I shall decide later. But I must do it, although I’m quite hesitant. I must see for myself, if all the teachers who’ve said that I have the potential to do better were just yapping for the sake of it, or whether they knew what they were yapping about. I want to see – if I decide against leaving – whether I can even begin to learn something from these evil, cruel subjects. I want to see if it’s worth it.


7.   Watch an inspirational movie. Preferably one which makes most people cry. That way, it will make me laugh. I hate the sappy ones, so I’m going watch one of those, not a romance one though. One with a deep message about life and death or some crap like that will be ideal. Maybe it will change me. Ha. I make myself laugh sometimes. But what if it does? What if by the end of the movie, tears flow down my face without my own volition? What if the movie convinces me not to go? How do I stay?


8.   Talk to the girl who sits next to me in class. She seems nice enough. I always get the pity eyes from her whenever I have one of my outbursts in class. But maybe she isn’t pitying me or feeling sorry for me, maybe she is putting herself in my shoes. Maybe she understands me, maybe she feels the same things I do. I need to talk to her, at least once. I need to understand if she’s gone through what I’m going through right now and if she would come to the same conclusion.


9.   Write a will. I’m leaving everything to my father as a practical joke, which I hope is taken the right way. All my clothes, journals and the rest of my belongings, I leave to my father, who is gone too. Ha. I should take them with me. That way, I’ll be able to give it to him directly. I’m leaving everything to my siblings and my mother. I need to give them something. I’m leaving after all. They need something to give company to their guilt. Something to smell, run between their fingers, to cry in, after I’m gone.


10.  Live. Don’t die. Please. Not worth it. I know now.

December 25, 2020 06:57

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222 comments

I really liked this story! I loved the way the things you listed! (The funniest one was the "Go to all of my siblings’ rooms and take the stuff they’ve stolen from me over the years.") You did such a splendid job! :)

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Writer Maniac
15:18 Dec 25, 2020

Thank you so much, I'm so glad you liked it! I knew that I better make it funny enough to make it a little less depressing and bring away attention from the fact that she's going to commit suicide. Thank you for reading!

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Haha, yeah, but no problem!

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22:08 Jan 07, 2021

I loved the part you striked through. Leaving your belongings to your father as a joke. I think you should have left it that way and not replaced it with the ending you have. This story has such a strong voice. I actually read this about a week ago and I was very impressed. You get straight to the point without the need for an introduction (although the disclaimer at the beginning was in good taste). The best advice I can give you is to not be afraid to take risks. You clearly have ideas and compelling dark stories that you are great at tel...

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Writer Maniac
02:24 Jan 08, 2021

Thank you so much for your detailed compliment, it absolutely made my day! I wanted to leave it on a positive note, an ending where there may be many reasons to leave, but none of them matter more than the reasons to say. I'm glad you liked the story, and thank you for the advice as well :)

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Grace Larson
04:24 Dec 31, 2020

I love the theme running through this story - what makes life livable, what makes us grasp after life, not death...incredibly beautiful!!

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Writer Maniac
04:32 Dec 31, 2020

Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate it!

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Amara Tillington
17:14 Jan 14, 2021

I love the ending. She's like "I'm gonna die" but then decides to live. Heartwarming, and I too have a sibling problem.

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Writer Maniac
17:27 Jan 14, 2021

Thank you so much, I appreciate it!

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14:54 Jan 13, 2021

I know this is probably bad, but this all feels so true like you took it out of my life. I think a lot of people need this. Thanks for writing it.

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Writer Maniac
14:59 Jan 13, 2021

Oh no, I hope you're doing better now. You'll always have people in your life who will love you and care for you no matter what you do, always remember that. I'm glad that my piece resonated with you in some way, and I hope that it stays with you when you're feeling down. Thank you for reading my work and commenting on it honestly, it's such an honour that words that I've written are inspiring and helping people with their life, it's the best thing ever. Thank you so much for sharing. 💖

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15:00 Jan 13, 2021

Yeah, I'm doing 'okey dokey'. I now stifle the pain with irony and memes instead of hiding it.

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Writer Maniac
15:08 Jan 13, 2021

On a lighter note, any stories of yours that you would recommend for me to read?

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15:13 Jan 13, 2021

I have actually done the tearing paper thing, but a thousand trees cry out whenever I do so. I haven't actually had a problem in a little while. Mostly, I'm just saying that stuff as a joke; venting using jokes is only a temporary change. With a happier note, I can tell you that I have a story about myself getting in 'top then mistakes you'll never make'. 'Setting you Free' is my most popular story about two gay bois (Also, my first three stories may or may not based on animal crossing :) I started a new miniseries based on characters in...

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Writer Maniac
15:15 Jan 13, 2021

I'll be sure to check out your stories! Whenever you feel a bit down, always remember that you just got a friend on Reedsy :D

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Writer Maniac
15:04 Jan 13, 2021

That's not much better, and I think you know that as much as I do. I know that talking about it is what most people advise, but I can understand your hesitation, seeing that I don't talk about my own problems. I would suggest writing it down and tearing the paper, or even just writing a letter to yourself and really trying to make sense of what you are going through. I feel like if you are able to explain it, you'll be able to get through it too. Keep fighting, I'll be praying for you.

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That Asian Creep
11:16 Jan 13, 2021

I love this story! It’s great, thanks for recommending it to me... waiting for a sequel. If you want to read something funny, please check out “I submitted a Reedsy story”. Thanks

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Writer Maniac
11:19 Jan 13, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I didn't write it with a sequel in mind, but now that you've mentioned it, I might actually consider it :D I'll be sure to check out your story when I can! Thanks again! I would recommend 'Game Over' because that's another story I'm really proud of :)

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Amel Parvez
14:28 Dec 25, 2020

ohh! again it was beautiful.

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Writer Maniac
14:28 Dec 25, 2020

Thank you, glad you liked it!

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Amel Parvez
14:32 Dec 25, 2020

you'r welcome

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Wirda Bibi
12:47 Dec 25, 2020

ok so... it was again sad and emotional :( i like it by the way

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Writer Maniac
12:52 Dec 25, 2020

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

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Wirda Bibi
12:59 Dec 25, 2020

na! no problem :D

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Aman Fatima
08:59 Dec 25, 2020

It was a nice and kind a sweet story. Its kind of heart breaking that before she committed suicide she wants to reconnect with her family even though it might be her last time. Either way its a good story.

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Writer Maniac
09:57 Dec 25, 2020

Thank you so much, I wanted it to be as hard-hitting as possible, so I'm glad that it was!

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Aman Fatima
10:16 Dec 25, 2020

if you have read my stories and writes your thoughts about them as well

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Writer Maniac
11:15 Dec 25, 2020

Sure, I'll check out your stories when I get time!

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Veda Vivek💎
22:11 Mar 31, 2021

I love this so much. It is amazing. I love the sentence " Go to all of my siblings’ rooms and take the stuff they’ve stolen from me over the years." I feel bad for her, hopefully, she doesn't do what I think she is gonna do... Anyway, great job!!

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Writer Maniac
02:17 Apr 01, 2021

Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it! In the end, she decides against it, so don't worry. Thanks for reading!

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Veda Vivek💎
15:00 Apr 01, 2021

Oh, okay, that's good :)

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Zenny Melody
19:56 Jan 20, 2021

Dang, the ending came totally out of left field, especially since it looks like his family didn't care for him at all, though my guess is that he discovered he has much to live for, and he can change the way he is. I also liked how you interjected a bit of humor in there to make it a little more lighthearted.

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Writer Maniac
02:12 Jan 21, 2021

Thank you so much, I appreciate the feedback! Yes, they did not care for the narrator, but the narrator wanted to give them a second chance still :)

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Frances Reine
13:38 Jan 17, 2021

Story in a list, I'm blown away. So beautiful I can't put it into words. What you did at the end was just ineffable. I read this one before but didn't get to leave a comment, I just had time to throw in a like. Heartfelt reaction from me every time. Well done.

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Writer Maniac
13:43 Jan 17, 2021

Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked it!

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Alya Kaikuahine
02:19 Jan 15, 2021

I really liked it! I like how you took the prompt and made it your own. Your stories are a little dark but I like how you add some humor in there to balance it out while still making it heartfelt. Really good job!

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Writer Maniac
02:25 Jan 15, 2021

Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it!

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Rabail .
18:06 Jan 13, 2021

Awww it's so emotional especially the line' I've always wanted to talk to her, I've never seen anyone more perfect than her'. I don't know but why most of the parents give importance to their eldest child? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Writer Maniac
09:40 Jan 14, 2021

Thank you so much, I'm so glad you liked it! That's true :)

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Jay D Mer
16:56 Jan 12, 2021

Okay. This has been the best work, of yours, I've read so far. It was well written, slightly funny, and sad. Glad she didn't die at the end. I think I was close to crying, in the beginning. Don't have any critically helping advice. Love it, great job:)

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Writer Maniac
16:57 Jan 12, 2021

Aww thank you! I really appreciate that, and I'm glad it resonated with you! Thank you so much!

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Jay D Mer
17:00 Jan 12, 2021

You're truly welcome:)

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Carrie O'keefe
15:23 Jan 12, 2021

You wrote in such a way that it pulled me into knowing how she felt. Leaving everything to her father was good. I can see someone doing that for laughs or out of spite.

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Writer Maniac
15:30 Jan 12, 2021

Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it! I really wanted to put that in just for jokes :D

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Carrie O'keefe
15:41 Jan 12, 2021

It really added to the story.

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Writer Maniac
15:42 Jan 12, 2021

Thank you :)

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Laiba M
14:06 Jan 11, 2021

Wow, I love the story. Especially the ending, and how through the list, the narrator realizes that it's not worth it to die. I think everyone should just take an hour to list things they have (parents, siblings, food, etc.) and realize it'll make them much more grateful :D Really good job, I can see why this has almost 70 likes, lol.

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Writer Maniac
14:45 Jan 11, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I hoped to convey the message that even though you can think of a million reasons to leave, the reasons to stay are more important :) I know right, can't believe it got so many likes, it still shocks me how many people have read it!

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Laiba M
16:24 Jan 11, 2021

I agree! This story is definitely sticking with me for a while~ It's a very deserving story of many likes, haha :)

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Writer Maniac
16:25 Jan 11, 2021

Thank you, means a lot!

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Laiba M
16:26 Jan 11, 2021

Any time!~

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07:59 Dec 28, 2020

Grim. Abstract. Darkly humorous. Things I would say for your short story if I was writing a review for your book cover. Your style of addressing the heart of the issue without the usual scene-setting components is unique and doesn't bury the lead. There's as much unsaid as actually said within your piece. The mystery lends itself quite nicely to your piece, but it almost feels too direct. Your style kind of reminds me of the southpaw stance in boxing: quick, direct, fierce. It keeps the opponent on the offensive, but it's limited to only a...

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Writer Maniac
08:03 Dec 28, 2020

Thank you so much! I appreciate your comment, as always, it brings a fresh perspective. I'll definitely think about using a few writing tools in the future, thank you!

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Ashley 💜
08:59 Mar 29, 2021

The message is strong and clear, a lovely and stirring story. You show a slow evolution of the character and manage to keep it subtle. I really like that, congrats!

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Writer Maniac
09:04 Mar 29, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

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Ashley 💜
09:14 Mar 29, 2021

no problem :)

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Ashley 💜
09:40 Mar 29, 2021

have you had any time to look at my story?

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Redd Herring
17:45 Mar 11, 2021

Really good Maniac. I know so many who have had this struggle. I like the way this seems really selfish at first read, but there are the undertones of what actually makes life worth it. Nice job!

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Writer Maniac
02:51 Mar 12, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! Oh, and also, you can call me Mania, that's what most people call me :)

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