Dance the pain away

TW: Suicidal ideation

Oh god! What am I supposed to do? I've never been in this situation before! But I know I should do something...god I should do something quickly. I need to figure out something to do. 

I had run to my house in pouring rain, while non-stop thinking. One less step in all this haze and that truck would have turned me into pulp. And the ironic thing is.. I hate pulp. I turned on my laptop and impatiently watched the screen light up. My hands were shaking, I wasnt sure I could type anything sensical, but I had to. I had to do something. While I waited for my ancient browser to open, I texted Rach. Rach, a.k.a the girl whose house I had just ran from. I wasn't running from her. I was running for her.  

Hey! It was fun hanging out! I had missed you :) 

That's sweet.

Let's do it again!

Sure.

Those texts might not show it, but Rach is a wonderful, caring person. I'd known her since school but we didn't really hang out back then. She was a little bit of a loner, and I was stuck with the wrong crowd. We both ended up in the same family friend setting at Christmas and had decided to hang out. We only saw each other twice, and after that, life sort of got in the way. It only took me about 5 hours to figure out what a fool I was to miss out on her company in high school. So I wanted to make up the time, I wanted to know her more. 

Finally! The browser was open. I was frantically pressing on the keys. Some letters I got right, and some wrong. Some you win, some you lose: Technology edition. I started reading, or rather skimming over, the hundreds of results I got. So many things to know, it was sad. But I had to keep reading. I was still wet from the rain, but I quickly realized the wetness I felt in that moment was coming from my eyes. I read and I read and I read some more, but I didn't have any more time. I texted again. 

I think you should come to the dancing studio with me!

It's not really my thing. 

Try it once, you just might see it differently! 

I don't really have much time to spare, sorry. 

Please. I need the company. (I got desperate. I pleaded. I regret nothing)

What has gotten into you?

Tomorrow, 9am sharp, I'll be waiting for you. I'll send you the address. Be there?

K.

I started crying tears of relief this time. Dancing was a passion of mine. I used to take classes but I realized I prefer to just book some time in the studio and practice myself. I could do it my way, and it helped me manage the stress of life, you know. I went to my bathroom of my small apartment and stripped my clothes. I stood for some time in front of the mirror, just staring. The tears were finally dry. I don't know how long I stood there, but by the time I snapped out of it, I needed to turn the light on to shower. So I got under some more water, and I hoped it would help me. Not sure how it has been my friend this far. But it has to do something. 

.

.

.

The morning came and I knew I had a sleepless night when my undereye bags could almost reach the floor. The things that mirror has to see. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to make me sick. Usually it's me having to look at my cat's vomit; it would only be fair to return the favor. I got dressed, casually, I just threw on some leggings and a tank top and I ran out the door. I wanted to be at the studio as early as possible. I wasn't ever sure what I was doing there. What I did know, is that Rach hadn't been the same yesterday. She was too different, too dark, too distant. I may not know her so much, but I know her enough. She interrupted my thoughts when she walked up to me and waved a hand in front of my face that was previously making intense eye contact with the ground. 

"You made it! I'm so happy", and relieved, but I did not say that. 

"You did bully me into this, I had no choice". There was a hint of a smile there. Good. "So what exactly are we doing here?"

Well shit. I hadn't thought that far ahead. "I guess I'm just going to show you how to express yourself!"

"Good luck with that."

Oh boy. 

.

.

.

"Welcome to the studio!", I said as I walked her through the massive hall. "This is where I come to make an absolute fool of myself. Let me show you."

I put on some music from my phone and I started showing her some moves. She was moving clumsily and with not much grace. But that did not matter, we kept going. We danced through 1 song..2 songs..3 songs.. She walked over and paused the music as the fourth song had started playing. 

"Is that all we're doing? Dancing around to 90's songs? I could've stayed home and done that."

"No,no it's not just that, weren't you listening? You need to let your body speak for you, express itself. It needs the right stage for that. Let is say what it wants to say!"

"The only thing my body wants to say is that it's getting out of here." She started walking towards the door. It didn't look good. 

"Wait! Please just give it a chance!" She looked angry now. 

"What the hell is this about? What is wrong with you? I told you I don't wanna be here!"

I was getting angry now, too. "Well I know! That's the point! You don't wanna be here!"

"What is that supposed to mean? Are you hitting on me or something?"

"What? No. No, that's not it"

"Then you will excuse me while I go do something better with my time. Like anything else."

She turned to walk away. Again. So I screamed at her. "I READ YOUR DIARY!"

She halter. She took a second to turn around, and when she did, I realised it was too late to back out. So I kept talking. 

"Yesterday. when we were going through your drawing books. You walked out to get me a drink and I kept looking through them. And then I accidentally opened your diary. I started reading it. I didn't actually realize what it was until I was too far into your words. I didn't read much, but I read enough. I know what you want to do. I know you want to fucking kill yourself! So I freaked out! I ran home like a wet dog and started googling how to help someone who wants to commit suicide. I mean I'm no expert! I don't even know you that well! So I found a stupid article that said that I should try to share a hobby you would like with you. Give you something to look forward to. Dance does that for me so I thought it would do it for you. I didn't know what else to do! I just didn't want to fail you. I just... I'm sorry I invaded your privacy, it wasn't on purpose. I just wanted to help."  I didn't realize I was crying through most of my words. There go the waterworks again. I felt numb and coincidentally saw that Rach wasn't moving either. She was stuck there in the same position, like a statue. 

"Are you okay? " I moved closer and reached out my hand. 

"I'm angry. I'm angry that you know something no one in my life has ever known before. Without my permission. Just because you were being nosey. And.. I'm happy..." She started sobbing, too. "I'm happy someone knows without me having to say it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I wasn't going to do it. I mean, I don't really know. It goes through my head every day. I am in pain, constantly. My mind never sleeps and my body can't feel anything. I'm seeing a therapist. I'm trying. It takes 10 times more of an effort to smile, but I'm trying. I don't want to...die. I just want the pain to stop, you know?"

God I was glad she was opening up, but the sorrow I felt from her could be seen with the naked eye. 

"I know. And you know what else I know? That you're doing fantastic! You're still here, like a crazy person in a cold winted morning, in an empty dance studio, with a girl you've seen 5 times in your life. And you're killing it! No pun intended...."

She laughed at that. Good, my dark humor has missed its mark more than a few times. I walked over to her, picked up her right hand and cupped it between mine.

" I didn't know how to help you yesterday, and I freaked out. But I'm here now, and I'll do my best. Please just promise me you'll stay. You'll stay and fight another day. And I will remind you to do that everyday." 

"I'll stay... I'll stay for the fourth dance. It might be a good song, who knows!"

 I let her hands fall so she can walk away and turn the music back on. This was easier than I thought. All I needed to do was be her friend. Put that on your top results Google! 

"Let's dance!"

And so we did. Until the skies were dry, and we could finally feel again.