Broken

And here I stand, broken.

I have spent a long time with you, always watching over you. I have been there when you were happy, laughing with joy about a passage in your book, about the delicious food you ordered, about your new job. I have been there when you cried, all heartbroken and your cheeks full of tears when the character you loved so much passed away, when your love wasn‘t requited. I have been there when you were angry, frustrated and full of rage, throwing your book into the corner, just to pick it up again a few minutes later, because you wanted to know the ending. I know all of your sides and I have always been there, through it all.

I remember how delighted you were when you first met me. Oh, how happy I was as well. You were so kind and gentle and so unlike any person I have met before. You treated me well and I paid back in kind by welcoming you with my warm smile whenever you came home and felt like reading or just dozing off on your armchair. 

I have never asked for much and you were never demanding. I was happy with you and you were happy with me.

You always knew how to make it work. You never gave up on me. When my bright smile first extinguished, you took it on you to go to great lengths just to fix it on little old me.

When people have pushed on my button too much, you took care of mending me back to health.

When my arm broke, you carefully put me back together, so that you can call me your shining light again.

You have been so wonderful to me and I always paid back in kind by watching over you while you took a break from the whirlwind that is life.

Then one day, she came.

The corners of her mouth slightly curled downwards when she first saw me. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first, but if she made you happy, I was willing to overlook that. I tried to make it right by her by showing her my brightest smile, but nothing I did seemed to shine a bit of warmth into her heart, only worry. But as long as you still loved me, I was fine with that.

For a long time, she didn't do anything but giving me worrisome looks whenever she came in. I heard how she sometimes brought me up in your conversations and how you told her that you liked me the way I am and so far that was the end of every of your conversations concerning me. I love you for that and I always will. 

But then, she moved in. I heard how she wanted me to change, more and more frequently. To go with the times. Be more safe. Be less broken. 

I wasn't broken, I wanted to scream. You love me for who I am, I wanted to argue, and so should she. 

You saw beauty in everything, even in me. I tried to show myself from my best side to her, just for you. I gave her my warmest smile in my best intentions.

But she never saw what you saw in me. All she saw was what she called 'potential danger'.

I listened to you two argue a lot and more often than not, it had to do with me. She didn't want me to be there, while you desperately wanted to keep me by your side. It made me very sad.

I never wanted to be the cause of your distress. I have always wanted to bring you happiness. I have always wanted to give you my familiar bright smile, so that you can feel at home whenever you returned. I wanted time to go back again, but of course, it only passes.

On that fateful day, you both came in full of anger and you became very emotional. My heart ached when I saw how hurt you were, how helpless you felt. You tried to voice your opinion, tried to explain yourself and she wouldn't cave in, would try to explain herself and her point of view. She wanted you and her to be safe and she wanted me to go. It didn't matter to her that I accompanied you for years and that I always made you feel at home. That I worked fine. Frustrated, you tried to make more grand gestures and over and over again, you pointed your arm towards me.

You came closer without noticing, your gaze always on her and never on me. Your voices grew louder and more furious. I tried to warn you, tried to make you see me, but you had only eyes for her. So you did not see when you lashed out one more time and hit me. I fell.

You both stopped your argument immediately. I saw the shock in her face. I must have looked like a mess, but I didn't care. All I cared for, was you. But when I saw how your eyes widened, I suddenly knew. And I felt an unbearable sadness. 

You bent down to pick up a few broken pieces, but your eyes weren't as bright and curious as before, when you first nursed me back to health. Now they were just cold and stressed. She told you to finally let me go. I tried searching for what was going through your mind in your eyes. You avoided looking at me.

Looking back now, I understand and I forgive you. I would never blame you for what happened and I still love you endlessly. Unfortunately, you would never know. Because to you, I am still no more than the lamp that stood beside your armchair in the corner of your room and that has now been moved to the sidewalk, ready to be thrown away. When you put me there, you never looked back. 

Maybe my time has just finally come and she is the one to replace me as your shining light. 

It is lonely here on the cold sidewalk. A place without you. 

And here I stand, broken.