The Death

   I paced around my room in frustration. I could feel a battle raging in my head. Should I do it? Yes. Wait, no. I have to do this. But the risks! It’s the only solution. No, there’s always more than one answer to a problem. 

   I banged my head against the wall. That calmed me down. Bits of pain could make me think straight. I shouldn’t overthink it. I just had to go for it and hope for the best. 

   Before I could change my mind, I shoved the pill inside my mouth and swallowed. I didn’t even need water. 

   Pain as sharp as a blade started at the base of my stomach, and spread outward towards the rest of my body. It was eating up all of the years of health and happiness. I collapsed on my bed, screaming as I felt like my lifeline was slipping away. My brain seemed to say, 

   “Stop screaming, you coward! Other people will hear and get the pill out of your body before you can die!” 

   The rest of my body screamed back,

   “But it hurts! Why did you tell us to take this pill anyway? That was a stupid idea!”

   “It was your idea!”

   “No, it was not! You’re the brain!”

   “Why, thank you!”

   I almost regretted taking this pill. I was going to die painfully, which I accepted. 

   But did I have to hallucinate and hear my brain and body yell at each other as I was dying? 

   An answer formed in my subconscious. 

   Yes. Duh. 

   Great. Just great. And hallucinations weren’t even the worst thing this pill did to you.

   This pill is a pill that reminds you of random memories while killing you in the most painful way imaginable in the process. You get killed in exactly ten days with this pill, but sometimes it seems that you get killed in seconds, or even years. It’s unpredictable and extremely dangerous. If done correctly, you could change the future. 

   There’s a reason why this pill is illegal. But that’s the same reason why I had this pill in the first place. 

   But no way did I regret this. No way I should regret this. My girlfriend Emoni Chase, AKA the only person who cared for me, had just died from a stray bullet in Trenton only two days before I was going to propose to her. 

   That had ultimately torn up my heart into pieces. No way in hell was I living without her. 

   Just as I started to wonder if the pill can actually make me die peacefully, the memory express train conductor shouted, “All aboard!” And promptly ran over me with the train, flattening my hope. Of course it did.

   I still felt like I got run over and crushed by a train when a memory flashed through my mind. I was in high school as a freshman, sitting through class, and wondering how the hell I was going to pass math. Or High school. I realized that I was seeing things from how I saw things, like this was actually the present. Cool.

   As I looked down at my body and scanned a mirror, I winced at how I had looked like back then. 

   A tall, skinny build, dark skin I tried to pale out to match the look (hint: it didn’t go very well), a My Chemical Romance t-shirt, a leather jacket, and black jeans that were so ripped I suspected, no, remembered they were cut by a knife in darkness. Black hair that was just as messy and choppy as my jeans. Dark, brooding eyes, filled with trauma. Acne. My “emo phase”, Emoni liked to call it.

   I looked up, and there she was.  

   “Hi,” I had said to her, totally embellishing my elegance and eloquence. I remembered my motives for why I even talked to Emoni in the first place. Emoni was always the nerd of nerds. An expert in just about anything that had to do with academics and book smarts. You could tell from the way she talked in a Southern accent. The way she looked in a brown hair messy bun, round white glasses, a pale pink cashmere sweater, white stockings, brown ankle boots, and a white plaid skirt. The way she moved, fast yet relaxed. All of that basically radiated, “I am totally smarter than you and you know it.”

   Back then, my motives were for her to tutor me before any of my teachers launched us “surprise quizzes”. 

   But now, looking back on it, I realized what Emoni had been like. She was looking beautiful, even back then. She looked so innocent. She was innocent. A pure cinnamon roll. So oblivious to her fate, so oblivious to the fact that she had only six years to live. That thought saddened me. I felt a single tear trail down my cheek, desperate to escape. 

   She frowned. 

   “Is High school that bad? What’s wrong?”

   My eyes widened as I realized. God, I was stupid. I couldn’t believe I had just noticed. I could control my sixteen year old self. I immediately knew what to do. I could save Emoni. Somehow. Control my body to warn her so she never sets a foot in New Jersey. Then I could find the antidote for the pill, reunite with Emoni, and be happy again.     

   Somehow, I would do it. I have to do it.

   I racked my brain for what to say. How had we become a couple? We had clicked. Somehow. That had to happen again, so she could trust me about what I would tell her about her death. 

   “It was nothing. Just some dust in my eye. That aside, you are beautiful.” I said, looking her straight in the eye. “I would like to get to know you better.”

   She smiled and blushed, looking quite flustered. She held out her hand to shake.

   “Thank you. I’m Emoni Chase. Nice to meet you.”

   I nodded, and shook her hand, trying to act like I didn’t know that. Also trying not to smile from her touch.

   “My name is Lightia Madison. Nice to meet you, too.”

   And from right there, we clicked. We sat next to each other in every class. Talked about anything and everything. She tutored me in academics. I taught her how to use a knife. Our friendship, our trust, our loyalty, it grew like a tree in puberty. 

   Several months passed. Before I knew it, I was waking up on Christmas Eve. Although it seemed I had been in the vision for months, it was probably a few days in real life. I clearly was not dead yet, given that I was still in this vision. But how many days have gone by in the real world? How far was I from death? 

   I would have to tell Emoni everything. Before it was too late. 

   I knocked on the door of the Chase house. 

   Mr. Chase stood at the door, his smile as friendly and warm as ever. 

   “Hello, Lightia. Nice to see you again. Come in. Emoni’s waiting.” 

   I walked into Emoni’s room, which was white, big, clean, and everything my room cannot be. I spotted her in the middle, sitting on the rug, meditating. 

   Just as I was about to walk out, knock on her head, or scream (I have a bad history with meditating. It involves death, passing out, cabbages, and a stray cat. Don’t ask), she opened her eyes.

   “Merry Christmas Eve, Lightia! Why’d you come over?”

   I shuffled my feet around, suddenly nervous. What if Emoni doesn’t believe me, because she relies on pure logic? What if she thinks I am so crazy that she will never talk to me again? What if she thinks I am tricking her? What if something goes wrong? There was a lot of risk in telling her about our future, her future, and her death. Was it worth it?

   Living together peacefully in the afterlife or living together peacefully on earth, alive. Both choices had big risks. Which one should I choose?

   What did I want? I wanted Emoni alive. I wanted me to be alive. 

   “You probably will not believe this.” I started. ”It sounds crazy. It probably will sound crazy. But you will have to trust me.“

   Emoni nodded, looking slightly concerned. 

   “What is the ‘this’ you speak of?”

   Just as I opened my mouth to speak, a painful feeling started at my stomach, veins of pure pain spreading out across my body, covering me. It was pain beyond anything I have ever experienced, even the time I got shot in the arm seemed like a breeze compared to this. 

   I heard a scream. Whether it was my own or Emoni’s, I couldn’t tell. I could barely see.

   Then I couldn’t see anything at all. 

   I opened my eyes. Where was I? It was almost completely dark. The only light was coming from. . .

   Me. 

   I looked at my arms. They were hazy, transparent, but also bright. The rest of my body was like that, too. 

   I couldn’t smell nor feel anything. Below me, a barely human body was on the floor. 

   I floated down to examine it. 

   It was blackened, like the body had been burned to a crisp. I could make out piece of fabric and a dead, dark eye staring at me. I shuddered and looked away.

There was this one thing that wasn’t broken or burned. A necklace. A silver chain, with a black skull charm the size of a half-dollar, inscribed in words of different languages. I could identify word that was in English. “Lightia”. I assumed the other words were “Lightia”, too, just in different languages.

There was only one necklace like that .  

   I grabbed for my own neck, just to make sure. I compared my necklace and the one on the body. The necklaces were the exact same. 

   Realization dawned on me. I am a ghost. The body was mine. I have failed Emoni. I hadn’t escaped the death.