In Vino Veritas

Thank you, thank you for your applause! That’s very nice of you. Hrhgh—hmmm!—

[Clears his throat, looks about at the dining room in which forty-six of his neighbors of his Florida retirement community are politely sitting on steel folding chairs, waiting to hear him, then spreads out his three pages of notes on the dais before him. He looks up and says a little guiltily but good-naturedly:]

Excuse me if I’m a little wobbly up here! I didn’t think I would be called on so late to make my acceptance speech, and I went through two glasses of wine, so my head's a little in the clouds.… [Laughter here and there, all of it good-humored, understanding, encouraging] Anyway … [Looks down to his notes]

Ladies and Gentlemen, neighbors and friends, fellow residents of Valencia Village! Thank you for having elected me as your Community President for the coming year. I campaigned for this office on the platform of getting things done which so far have only been talked about. I intend to fulfill that promise. For instance, starting tomorrow I am meeting with a State building code inspector and we’re going to follow up on complaints by a few residents whose walls have developed cracks or whose tiled roofing has been coming undone. There might be a legal means of having the developer, even after all this time, make repairs without cost.  I will also immediately begin investigating the cause of flooding on Havana Avenue and Pamplona Way each time the automatic lawn-watering system goes on. Some of you have also brought to my attention that the scenic view of our lake is compromised because the fountain isn’t on all the time. I am going to make sure it is. In short, I intend to make sure that the infrastructure of our community is kept up with and our community remains a pleasant, well-maintained, and safe place to live!  [Light applause] 

Before beginning, I want to thank our Community Board organizer, Liz Schein.  Liz has been on the board for ten years and has been a valuable asset to us in organizing the Board meetings and helping to formulate our yearly agendas. Also I would like to thank Ray Bergen, our Treasurer, who has won reelection, and Randy Sklar, who also retains his position as Director. And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention our Entertainment Manager, Julie Sparks, who books the talent for The Palaccio, our clubhouse, and who last year managed something of a coup by booking one of our favorite groups from the 60s, Penelope and the Puppettes. It was a gala event which none us are likely soon to forget! [Looking up from the notes, speaking extemporaneously] And by the way … Julie, you’re looking wonderful tonight. That outfit you’re wearing fits you to a tee. Who would ever know that you’re pushing 60? Most gals at your time of life have already porked up with an extra thirty pounds, but somehow you’ve managed to maintain that waistline. Are you doing low-carb? Anyway, I never see you at the pool, but I’ll bet you’d look fantastic in a bikini!… [Rustling in the audience] But to get back to my speech… let’s see, where was I … ah!

One of the issues that we will have to deal with in the coming year is renovating The Palacio. It hasn’t been updated since the community was built in 1987 and some of its interior is starting to look a little ratty. Some residents have suggested that in renovating it we should expand it to include a ballroom.  As construction costs have gone through the roof over the last year, and already a lot of us are complaining about the homeowners’ fees, we are going to have to think very carefully about such a proposition. I’m all for adding amenities when most of our residents can make use of them, but in this case how many people will really be using a ballroom? [Looking up from the notes] What I mean is that half of our residents can’t even walk well, let alone dance. [A few laughs, some rustling of dissatisfaction in the audience] If any of you want to go dancing, why don’t you just drive to a nightclub in Boca? I’ll tell you why: you can’t see where you’re going at night when you’re driving, and if you do manage to get there you’d be too tired to dance, or would dance once and go home. C’mon, people, get real! Your dancing days are over. If we should be investing in anything, it’s in wheelchairs and oxygen tanks.

[A voice calls out] Hey, that’s not nice!

[Disregards the outburst, returns to the notes] Over the last year we’ve faced some tough challenges together; indeed we’ve had our share of tragedies and catastrophes. For instance, the refrigeration unit in The Palacio broke down for three months, the kitchen closed, and we weren’t able to have weekend brunch. Then cracks were discovered in the swimming pool, and it was out of commission for two months while it was undergoing repairs. A lot of us use the pool on a regular basis and when it closed we had no alternative but to find a different way to exercise. But what alternatives did we have? There was the gym but a lot of us, myself included, don’t like using the gym. As for going for walks, most of the time it’s way too hot for that in Florida. So most of us were stuck, and had nothing to do all day but watch TV and eat, and that’s not very healthy! But by far the biggest catastrophe was the security guard strike last August, which not only left no one in the guardhouse to check on who was coming into the community but which also—we were told this was for our “convenience”!—left the barrier up so that anyone could just drive right in.  We went to bed at night not knowing if a burglar would come into our homes or murder us while we were sleeping. That was totally unacceptable! This year I vow to change security companies. I also vow to fight our latest threat: the township wants to give a permit to a developer to build an apartment building right next to us on the other side of the Haggart Road.  We must resist this effort at all costs! This is an affluent community and we should have all the benefits of one. What’s the point of having a guard at our entrance if three hundred feet away from it is an apartment building full of people who only need to sneak through a few shrubs to enter our community? We all pay good money to live in Velencia Village precisely so that we never have to worry about that kind of thing. [Looking up from his notes] And let’s face it: we all came to live here so that we didn’t have to deal with the riff-raff. What are you frowning for, Morty? And you too Melissa? Yes, yes, I know—we’ve all heard you a hundred times talking about how you’re for “the people,” how important “the people” are, how we have to vote for what’s good for “the people.” But you’re here like the rest of us: to get away from “the people”! [A few in the audience laugh; most glance at one another uncomfortably, a few angrily] And don’t tell me otherwise. I’m old enough to know that actions speak louder than words, and whenever you want to find out what someone really thinks about “the people,” just find out where he bought his house! [Murmurs throughout the room, returns to his notes]

As your new President I intend to give us homeowners more control over what happens to our properties. We should not have to deal with bylaws which dictate our landscaping options. That is a flagrant intrusion into our private lives. There was even a motion at last month’s Board meeting to limit the kinds and lengths of celebrations that people could have in their own homes! Some of you may know that this was because the Goldblatts had a pool party and some of their neighbors complained that guests’ cars took up all the parking spaces on the street and that the music was too loud. I have spoken to the Goldblatts about this and they assured me that they only had three couples over and that the music was turned down after nine o’clock, and I believe them. Real and constant infractions of the peace of course should be dealt with, but we also must be conscientious of the rights of our neighbors, since in protecting their rights we protect our own. [Looking up from his notes] And now that I think of it, you know what the problem also is? A lot of you, after you retired, don’t know what to do with yourselves. I’m not talking so much about the people here; at least they take part in the Board meetings. But most of our residents just sit home all day and watch TV, and naturally they get bored and start looking after what everyone else is doing. They need to get a life, for God’s sake! They need to do something—take up painting, or some kind of hobby, or something!  There are so many productive ways people could be spending their time other than worrying about what other people are doing.

[Someone in the audience speaks up] Hey, you have no right to say that! [Murmurs of assent]

I’m just giving my opinion, you can take it or leave it. 

[Another voice] You’re drunk! Stop talking!

I am not drunk. Who said that? Do I look drunk to any you? Don’t be ridiculous. Can I finish here? [Returns to the notes] There’s also a movement to ban pets in the community. As you all know, I am against it. A lot of our residents have dogs or cats, which are the only companions they have. Granted that they would be able to keep their pets and only new homeowners would be restricted from having them; still, the idea of preventing ownership of pets strikes me as another intrusion into our personal lives. The impetus behind the proposal is that people are not picking up after their dogs and a few people have stepped on their poop. I agree you with that that’s disgusting. I also agree that it could be dangerous. Some of you might know that last winter Mrs. Mallory, who lives on Pamplona Lane, accidentally stepped and slid on some dog poop, fell and broke her hip. She had to go to rehab where she spent two months before she passed away. [Looks up from the notes] That was a terrible tragedy, of course. People need to be responsible and pick up after their dogs—no doubt about it. But no one should be using Mrs. Mallory as an excuse for another unreasonable bylaw. I knew Mrs. Mallory. I’m sure a lot of you did. She was 98 years old; could barely hear or see; was thin as a stick; and had been rushed to the emergency room six times in the previous two months, so we shouldn’t use her as an excuse for banning pets.

[An angry voice] What’s your point?

My point is that is that we have to be reasonable in creating new restrictions just because something unfortunate happened to someone who was on her last leg anyway.

[Murmurs, a condemnatory voice] Is that nice?!

Is it nice? Well, I don’t know if it’s nice, but that’s the truth. And let me say one more thing about this. We found out who the culprit was: Mr. and Mrs. Sorelli’s dachshund, Winky. Somehow he escaped from the house that morning and committed the crime when no one was looking. So you really can’t even say that anyone was responsible for what happened—except Winky. We sent the Sorellis letter about it and they were sorry for what had happened and assured us that it had never happened before and will never happen again. [Returns to the notes]

As your President I will also address the exorbitant bills we are getting for our cable and internet. Our present provider, Starbase Fiber, has been raising rates every other month. In the last year alone they have nearly doubled. This is unacceptable. They have been taking advantage of us because they thought they were the only company authorized to service our community. But I am happy to report to you tonight that we do have an alternative, which was discovered by our resident computer whiz, Michael Boroski.  There will be an initial increased cost for the changeover and installation, but after that we will be saving 30% in monthly bills, which is guaranteed for three years.  [Looking up from the notes, looks over the room]  Where is Michael? There you are! Mike, thanks, you did a great job finding a new provider. And where is your, uh … cousin, Anthony? You left him at home again? Listen, my friend—and I think I can speak for all of us when I say this—we know what’s going on with you and your ‘cousin’! Did you really think you were fooling us? C’mon, now, we weren’t born yesterday! And it’s okay—it’s okay! You and him should feel absolutely comfortable in the community. You have friends here. We’re all very open-minded, and we love you guys. In fact I’ll bet some of us are even a little envious because your mattress is getting a better workout than most of ours are—eh? [Laughs, beams; notices open mouths and stares in the audience; returns to his notes]

Another matter which I intend to follow up on this year is the request for additional activities. We already have the Mahjong Club, the Poker Club, the Bingo Club, the Pool Club, and the Billiards Club. And then there’s golfing, which is a favorite pastime of many of you. But we’ve also had requests to start a Cooking Club, which would make use of the clubhouse kitchen, and Arts and Crafts Club which would include knitting, weaving, and ceramics. Naomi King, who has been leading the Mahjong Club for the last nine years, has been leading the drive for these new activities.  As she said in her proposal, quoting Dr. Schwartz, her neurologist, “Activities are good for the brain.” [Looking up from the notes] But now that I think of it, it seems to me that if you really want to do something for your brain, knitting and weaving might not be the best options. What about a reading a book once in a while, for God’s sake!  How about learning something? Really, a lot of our residents could use a little education! You talk to them for five minutes and they give you a tin ear—they go on and on about nonsense. It’s really too much! I could name names but I’m not going to.…

[An outburst] Why don’t you! Who do you think you are!

[Grumbling assents, a few stamping feet]

I’m not here for that right now. What’s the problem over there? Calm down. I’m almost finished. [Returns to the notes] In closing I want to say that it has been a privilege for me to be elected your new President. I have been living in Velencia Village for fourteen years. Despite the problems we have here, it’s not a bad place to live. After my wife Gloria passed away five years ago (God rest her soul), I intended to leave and move closer to my children and grandchildren in New Jersey, but decided against it because I knew I would miss the people here I had formed strong bonds with. [Looks up, a little sadly] Besides, my son has a family of his own now—he has problems of his own—and the last thing he needs his old man tagging along. And it’s not as though I don’t see him. He and his wife and kids come down every year and stay with me for a few days. Some of you have met my granddaughters, Marsha and Sarah. They are the cutest, sweetest little things; such little angels! I take them to the pool. They call me “Pop-pop” …

[Clears his throat, returns to the notes] I hope to be the most accessible President our community has ever had. To this end my phone number and email address will appear at the back of our monthly community newsletter, the Valencia Village Spectator. Be assured that you can call me at any time, day or night. [Pauses, considers, then looks up] Well … maybe not any time. I generally go to bed at nine-thirty, and I’m not good till after nine in the morning, till I’ve had my coffee and have a chance to wake up. Even then I need a few hours to get ready for the day. I have a bad right knee—I’m supposed to be going in for a knee replacement in a couple of weeks—so don’t expect me to come running if you call. Anyway I intend to make every effort to be accessible and responsible, unlike our last President.

[A nettled loud voice] You’re out of your mind, I was a good President!

Jack, you were the worst. You never got back to anyone. I called you twice, and I sent you two emails, about getting my air conditioning serviced, and nothing—nothing! You were the worst. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. A lot of people do. I could name names …

[Calls for him to stop talking, to step down, that enough is enough. He steps away from the dais and resumes his seat, clearly irritated and, losing his balance a little, bumps against the dinner table.]