même vieux

Same old , same old . Work ,chat with Miss Mabel , home , repeat . Work ,chat with Miss Mabel , home , clean , tv ,,fall asleep on the couch , drag myself to bed , repeat . Work , chat with Miss Mabel , home , clean , tv ,  ,fall asleep on the couch , drag myself to bed , change into my pjs , snore , press snooze a couple times , look at my watch , realise I'm late , brush my teeth , repeat .  Work ,chat with Miss Mabel , home , clean , tv ,fall asleep on the couch , drag myself to bed , change into my pjs , snore , press snooze a couple times , look at my watch , realise I'm late , brush my teeth , gulp down an americano , run to work , repeat . 

                                                       Mis Mabel and I are very close . We hang out almost every day , 9am till 4pm. Our souls find comfort in each other's presence  . We live almost the same life , similar routines, the only difference among both of us is that she is a psych patient and I'm merely a nurse . She would wait every morning  for her daughter to come pick her up and take her away from the gated ,white building full of forgotten folk , who are slowly , day by day decaying . While I would wait for some miracle to shake up my life .”Anything” , I would tell her “ a meteor would push me over my edge, that's exactly what I need  “  . Miss Mabel would listen intensively , sometimes the pills would make her drowsy and in the midst of my wishful talking ,she would doze off, and we would continue our chat the following morning . In return I would do the same for her , while she would share her bucket list of things to do .It was filled with drinking  wine and eating a croissant in Paris , seeing Niagara falls frozen , kiss the Pope's hand, twice for extra years on earth  , watch  a  live baseball game while eating a corndog ect . Like all kinds of friends , we have our moments of disagreements . I let her win though , because only God , or whoever is up there cutting peoples life strings , knows when her quivering hand will stop writing her list of  ambitions and her pen will roll down the desk , falling onto the floor , signalling the end of her story .                                                     

             “ Maybe i'll win the lotto “ I say to her , her green eyes meet mine  ,“ I don't mean to be rude , mind my french , but even if you won the damn loto , you’d just buy a new pair of shoes , the same brand and same size , same model , you’d maybe get yourself a new shirt , but you would wash it the same way ,  dry it the same , iron it in the same motions , before you know it , you’re living the same life but with more dollars in yo pocket . Do you even buy lotto tickets ? “ .

No I  mutter “  , she continues “ so your telling me , you are waiting for the bus to arrive , but you ain't even at the bus stop , ma’m forgive me , but this baffling , you are waiting for the food to cook itself  , you is waiting for the musician to  change the song , but you ain't even at the dance hall , you is at home in yo bed  , doing what ? , “

 I answer ,” I  work , I  clean “ she interrupts me ,

 “ a young , beautiful woman that you are ,wasting “,

 this time I step in “ i'm not young anymore , i'm in my late forties “

 she snaps back with,her rosy lips pursed “ madam , im 63  , are you implying that im elder ..” she raises one of her pencilled eyebrows in concern “ why no,no why  , I would  would n-never “ I reply , this time uncrossing my arms “ I would hope ma’m otherwise that would be very unprofessional , I'm tired , all this talk about age ,I feel my wrinkles forming , ma’m would you be so kind and bring me to my dormitory please . “ she smiles and I nod and lift her gently up and place her in the metal wheeling chair , and push her towards her room . Before I close her door behind me , she says “ my daughter is due to visit me tomorrow , can you wake me up a wee bit earlier , I wanna  look nice and one last thing , your age don't define you , it only shows how many candles you ought to have on your birthday cake , you are as old as you believe to be , move with time not against it  . “ I finally close the door and let out a long, heavy sigh .

                              I complete my shift and drive home and finish my duties. Duty comes from the old French word deu meaning that which is owing . I don't owe anybody anything . They are simply tasks that constrain me from  thinking . Working at the ward , taught me not to be afraid of my expiry date. What's worse than being dug 6 feet underground is one's thoughts .  Thoughts , ideas , notions, perceptions , sentiments are what slows time , they force you to see all the cracks you've been ignoring in your  life , all the problems you've been sweeping under the carpet , all the wounds you left untreated . Thus I fill my spare time with useless same old tasks .Incase you forgot them , you can scroll to the initial paragraph and remind yourself . You are very welcome . 

                                      The next morning ,I was awakened by  the birds tweeting , tooting , churching , twootwooing , I looked at my watch , realised I was late , brushed my teeth , gulped down an americano , and ran to work . I gently tapped on Miss Mabel's door and opened  it , she was already dressed in her finest clothes , her white thin hair collected in a bun , her cheeks rosy and white pearls hugging her neck loosely “ bonne journée madame “ she exclaimed when she sees me ,

 “ eh yeah oui , Miss Mabel ,your meds are there for you outside along with a cup of water “ I remind her ,

“ merci buckets “ she responds jollingly “ did you happen to see me daughters red car in the parking lot , she is due to visit me “ , 

I lower my head and mutter “ no I did not , perhaps she is in traffic “ I lied , the truth was , her daughter has been stuck in traffic since she dropped Miss Mabel at the institution . Before I turn to tend the other patients , Miss Mabel hands me a piece of crumpled tissue paper ,it has  Disneyland written on it . 

“ I plan to take my daughter there with me , I've never been , have you ? “ 

I shake my head ,” perhaps when I win the lotto “ . Miss Mabel cackles and replies  “ bonne chance “ . 

                                           Afterwards we sit together in the common room and play chess . “ when was the last time you did something out of the ordinary  “ 

,” like what ? “,

 “ well perhaps read a book ? “ she asked as she moved against me

 “ I don't have time for silly books , I work , I clean , I come home , “

 she interrupts me “ and you also watch tv , and fall asleep on the couch , I know , I also know you don't have a lot of time, furthermore I know too well you don't make time “ 

 I ignore her “ it's your turn “ . 

she moves her pawn forward and continues “ when was the last time you were creative for instance  painted or drew something “ . 

My bishop knocks down her pawn “ I don't have paint “ 

,she bounces back  “ you don't have a pencil either ?, nonsense , million years ago , hunter gatherers used berry juice to paint in their caves “

 I reply “ well I neither am a hunter gatherer nor can I draw a straight line  “ ,

 her tone becomes more serious “ you don't need to be able to draw a straight line , a ruler can do that for you  , tell me if i'm wrong ,no disrespect towards you , you are my dearest companion, do you not have time or is it do you not want to have time ? “ 

I begin to stammer “ I am b-busy “ .

 Miss Mabel clears her throat “ you are comfortable  in your state of despair , you have grown used to your safety bubble , which only makes you more unhappier day by day , you are scared of the unknown that is outside your daily limits .” 

Her confrontation appals me. I stand from my chair and tell her “ I don't want to play anymore “ .

                                          I conclude my shift , drive home , feeling more hopeless than I did  before , I clean , sink into my sofa , turn on the tv , and perform the  same old routine which means   avoiding stepping outside my comfort zone and sticking to things I know best . I drag myself to bed , change into my pjs , snore , press snooze a couple times , look at my watch , realise I'm late , brush my teeth , gulp down an americano , run to work again  . Days turned into weeks  , weeks turned into months , while months turned into years . Same old , Same old . 

                                  Until one fine day, I pick up a book and instead of watching the tv , I read before going to bed . I can't wait to tell Miss Mabel about it , so I went to sleep a tad bit earlier. I wake up before my alarm rings , gulp down my americano , jump into the car , the book strapped in the passenger's seat , and drive high speed towards work . I haven't felt so alive in years ,  “Miss Mabel will be so proud of me “ I  think. I park sideways , swiftly walk into her room , “ oh Miss Mabel , I've been reading this book , I am sure you will love it , “ I say while assembling her meds “ there is a quote from it , it's similar to what you had preached about , something on the line of ,where you end up depends entirely on who you choose to be from this moment , what  d-do you think about it ? “ . When I finally turn around , her bed is empty .                                                                 

Miss Mabel died 65 years young that night  .

                                                                     As what happens to all patients who leave the institution , we have a funeral  . That evening the road was clear from traffic and Miss Mabel's daughter arrived at the ceremony .  It was short and bittersweet , we all paid our respects . Before I can leave to return to my duties , her daughter stands in front of me , she shares Miss Mabel's big  green eyes , she hands me a document , “ there is nothing in there for me “ she shrugs and leaves the scene . I open the document and read Miss Mabel's elegant cursive handwriting “ To my dearest friend . I don't have much left in my will , but I have enough for you to go to Paris , don't leave without eating a croissant and drinking wine , don't forget to visit the Vatican and kiss the Pope's hand  , ask him politely to shorten my waiting time in purgatory ,let my daughter know she don't need to worry about me no more  , i'm in Disneyland ,  and lastly ,don't end up like my pawn ,stop waiting , stop pretending to be busy and instead do something you haven't done before , try new flavours , drive into the unknown and buy the damn lotto ticket . Au revoir. "