Staying Afloat

The pain never goes away, Ashley knew that if she cleaned the entire house it would take five hours. Five hours of being distracted and not being stuck in her head. She knew that if she decided to take a walk around the block she will run into Sherry, her neighbor who was always outside and loved pointless conversation. That will score Ashley at least an hour of not thinking of the pain that lives inside her everyday. She thought of everything she could do so that she wouldn’t think of her pain, so that she wouldn’t feel anything for another day.

She shouldn’t be this broken, she was strong, she was taught to always be strong and not let something stop her but she didn’t see this coming. She knew she wasn’t whole anymore that some part of her heart died along with her baby, but she never thought Tim would disappear along with herself.

It’s been ten days since Ashley looked in a mirror, its been one hundred and twenty six days since she left the hospital with a baby carrier but no baby and its been eleven days since she saw her husbands eyes or felt his touch.

Ashley knew she should feel like she misses him and his touch but even when he touched her she felt nothing. She was numb to everything, she made herself numb to everything, she couldn’t stand feeling anything because she felt if she felt one thing she would feel it all and it would swallow her whole like a tidal wave.

It was in moments like these, at her darkest times that she remembered when she was twelve and her father took her to the beach one summer. The waves seemed larger than life and the sand stuck to every piece of skin it could find. Ashley loved the smell of the ocean, the salt mixed with open blue sky, she loved the sound of children laughing with joy and parents shouting out concerns. She loved every moment of it, she loved that even though she was scared of the big waves her dad still grasped her tiny hand in his and pulled her into the water and never let the waves drag her under. He helped her stay afloat.

Ashley barely felt like she was floating now, the waves seemed to be constantly crashing into her and there was no one stopping her from sinking. Staring out her kitchen window she thought of the past three months and how she has been a shell of her former self, she tried to think back to the last time she smiled for real and felt joy but she couldn’t seem to grasp a memory. She wondered out loud when the last time she felt joy was and she was meet the quiet darkness of her house.

“The day we left for the hosiptal, you just started having contractions” Ashley jumped at the sound of Tim, spinning around she saw him standing there his shoulders seemed weighed down, dark bags dragged his eyes down and Ashley could see the pain that followed her was following him. “I was going crazy couldn’t find my left shoe and you bursted out laughing, the sound seemed to fill the whole house, and in between your laughing you told me that it was in my hand. That was the last time you felt joy.”

His voice wrapped her in a warm blanket she never knew she was missing, the house seemed just a little less empty with him standing there. She nodded her head and wrapped her hands around her waist, she remembered that moment and the feeling of being happy but once she started to feel it again she shut it down and folded in on herself.

“STOP THAT!” His voice boomed through the empty house and she jumped slightly, she never heard Tim yell that loudly even on Sundays with the game playing. “Stop hiding your feelings, stop hiding from me.”

His voice was cracking and Ashley could tell he was trying to hold it together. Walking towards him Ashley tried to tell him that the pain that was haunting him was possessing her but no words left her mouth.

“Tell me what you were thinking about just now.” His words were a plea to her, to try to reach out, to connect. She realized then that he was trying to stay afloat and was failing.

“I was thinking about the first time I visited the beach with my father.” She whispered the words but he heard her the just the same as if she shouted the words, his eyebrows crinkled slightly and his head tilted just an inch to the left, that’s what he did when he was trying to figure out a puzzle. It seems that they went from knowing each other like back of their hands to trying to piece together a new puzzle.

“I was remembering how afraid I was of the waves, how they seemed larger then life.” Tears were now streaming down her face but she couldn’t stop them even if she tried. “I remembered how I felt like I was going to sink under those waves and never find my way back to the surface, that’ll drown.”

Tim reached for her and pulled her to his chest, she could feel the beating of his heart and the wave that hung over them broke and crashed into them. They both sank to the floor at the same time, she could feel the wet drops of his tears hitting the top of her head and could feel the sobs that raked through his body.

“Please don’t let me drown”She whispered into his chest and folded into him instead of herself.

“We will stay afloat together.” His words caressed over her body and she let the sobs run through her, she let herself feel all the pain that was buried deep and she held onto him and let him carry her through this wave of pain.