Contest #186 shortlist ⭐️

18 comments

Funny Fiction

“Don’t get me wrong, Davey. It’s a nice slide deck. Ginormous graphs. Crushing overall length. It’s the verbiage itself. It’s too—what’s the word?—too comprehensible.”

“It’s Dave, actually.”

“It’s a good first stab, David. But to be candid? The language itself is a tad limp, sort of undynamic, like it’s obsessed with being plain. Borderline scrutable. What you want, though, is to build a pretty thick wall of text that’s so baffling it can’t be questioned. Your ideal end goal is a cognitive load so heavy it smothers any chance of cross-examination. It really should fly over everybody’s heads. Then you take your bow. And they’re like, Wowsers! Where’s this guy been my whole life?”

“Not sure I follow.”

“It’s not so much what you’re saying as how you’re saying it? Don’t worry, though. A lot of people struggle with this. Let’s think of an example, right? Maybe leverage some nouns into a string of modifiers. You know: teacher and student classroom learning empowerment. It’s grammatical, David.”

“Dave.”

“No worries. We’ll get your ducks in a row before your presentation tomorrow. Your mandate is—correct me if I’m wrong—to outline the key principles underpinning the central paradigm, no?”

“Sure.”

“It’s just a matter of scaffolding the language, then. Basic zhooshing. Overall, the diction and syntax should distance the audience from the surface-level meaning so there’s no avenue for alternate perspectives. Again, this notion doesn’t come easy to a lot of people. But enough about my wife! That’s a joke, Davey. Humor!”

“Your wife?”

“Yeah. I mean, that’s probably TMI, but she doesn’t get this stuff either, like she’s particularly misaligned with the nuances of magnifying language for effect. And she just says the weirdest things. Like sometimes I can barely grok her gist.”

“Like what?”

“Like Saturday, we’re just, you know, adhering to the standard weekend procedures—lawn mowing, vacuuming, etc. Then, out of the blue, she says she’s ‘going out for a while’ and would ‘be back in the afternoon.’ I’m like, What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Probably just going to the store or something.”

“Well, maybe. She did come back with several bags of food. It’s just sometimes I can’t stand the way she talks. Or chews. It’s like her mission and vision are all about irritating the feces out of me, Davey. But I don’t mean to get into the weeds with my dirty laundry. Which, by the way, she doesn’t know how to do either, apparently.”

“Sounds frustrating.”

“It really is, David! But, again, I’m getting too far afield. We should circle back to rejiggering your verbiage. I’d like to explore some options to encapsulate the essence of the message without lapsing into undue flatness.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Nice! Okay, so, I needed that laugh! But let’s get down to brass tacks, Davey. I’d like to see if we can solution a real-time outcome.”

“Again, what she said.”

“Stop! You’re gonna make me pee my pants!”

“What she said.”

“Oh my! We are way off track, David!”

“Like we can’t even see the track, right?”

“I guess not, no! Anyway, I don’t know. To be honest, I’d just as soon have a jaw sesh, actually. If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all. Go for it.”

“So to surface some essential info, Davey, things have not been good. I don’t know how to say it. Things have changed. Especially since the whole social distance, work-from-home thing. Lately, everything about her is just really digging into me.”

“How so?”

“She’s so distant. Like nothing I say seems to matter. I’ll be verbally interfacing with her, and it’s like she can’t even hear me. Like I’m talking just to hear myself interface!”

“Have you told her this?”

“That’s just the thing, David. I’ve been deploying robust messaging on this theme like gangbusters. It’s her listening mindset that needs follow-through.”

“Did you try finding some common ground?”

Oh, wow, common ground! Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?

“Sorry. I didn’t—”

I’m the one making the effort, David! I’m the one doing the planning! I’m the one keeping the activity board updated! What does she do? Pad around the house. Not do the dishes. Sleep late. And then maybe, if there’s time in her busy schedule, gripe about losing our flame. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?”

“You seem upset.”

“Sorry, Davey. I didn’t mean to bite off your head and defecate down the resulting neck hole.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s just I work hard, you know? And now this compulsory working from home. Like does she even get how hard that is?”

“So she’s still going into the office?”

“No.”

“She’s just not working?”

“No, she’s working. Her work station’s in the living room.”

“Must be hard for her too, then. Both of you, really.”

“Guess so. I mean I can’t argue with that. It’s just when you said common ground, it set me off. I’ve been independently piloting an approach like that for ages. Nothing. Launched several initiatives to architect schemes that would establish, fortify, and nurture effective communication. Nada. Just spinning my wheels, is all, with no clue as to the root cause.”

“I have a theory.”

“Walk me through it.”

“You just need to translate.”

“I don’t follow, Davey.”

“Let me put it another way, then. You stand up a just-in-time solution, right? During your interfacing sessions, employ an on-the-fly reconfiguration of your mode of expression to mesh with the word choice, sentence structure, and cadences demonstrated by the other stakeholder.”

“Davey, my man!”

“So you’ll want to regularly outreach your wife to facilitate an exchange of individual perspectives, cross-pollinating your discrete expressioning. Once you’ve bridged the languages, you can bolster your collaboration and ensure downstream benefits. To echo what you said before, I’m in agreeance that the way you present your message matters. But let me run this up the flagpole: What you say also matters. Unambiguous expressions of empathy and affection are not unwelcome.”

“You’re on fire, Davey!”

“Thank you, sir! So I have a challenge for you. Apply this technique in a tentative, exploratory fashion. See what transpires. Report back to me. Does that sound doable?”

“Very.”

“So what’s your best guesstimation on the time frame?”

“I’d say tonight.”

“Great proactive attitude! Indications are your emotional proximity will see marked improvement in the upcoming period of time.”

“Hope so, David!”

“I’ll throw something on our calendars to do a postmortem and talk about next steps.”

“I’d like that. What about your presentation, though? I almost forgot.”

“Great question! I’d like to asynchronously actualize a wordsmithed iteration and then shoot you an email to get a second pair of eyes on it before tomorrow, if that works on your end. My ideation is to start from scratch, build the core message from soup to nuts, and then overlay the substantive confounding language while retaining the preexisting graphical masking.”

“Makes sense!”

“Thanks so much! And just to circle back real quick, I’d like to reiterate my preference for being referred to as Dave. Moving forward, wondering if you wouldn’t mind aligning to that naming convention?”

“Sure thing, Dave. It’s the least I can do.”

February 25, 2023 03:22

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18 comments

Mary Bendickson
22:10 Mar 29, 2023

Goobly-gook, goobly-gook, gobly gook. All meant to say I liked this and congrats on shortlist. Me, I am slow to the meeting so just getting this read.

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Will Willoughby
22:27 Mar 29, 2023

Haha! Thanks! Despite your tardiness, it is unlikely that it will be necessary, at this time, to reconsider, reconfigure, and/or otherwise modify your employment status. To translate: Glad you liked it! Thanks for taking the time to comment! 🙂

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Amanda Lieser
05:42 Mar 08, 2023

Hey Will! Congratulations on the shortlist with this one! I would almost argue that the story with fit into the other prompt of a story with an a story. I thought it was interesting how you portrayed marriage, and I thought that this conversation felt incredibly intimate while also incredibly “corporate.” I thought you did a really good job of characterizing these coworkers, and I loved the part that you played up with the person’s name – David-all the way til the end. Nice work!

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Will Willoughby
12:55 Mar 08, 2023

Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it! That’s interesting about the story within the story—I hadn’t realized it, but you’re right. There’s always more to the story, I guess. Thanks for taking the time to comment! 🙂

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Story Time
18:33 Mar 06, 2023

I think this was my favorite one in the category. So wry and had a great sense of style that I love seeing when paired with a unique concept. Good job.

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Will Willoughby
19:27 Mar 06, 2023

So glad you liked it, Kevin. You do great work yourself! Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂

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Bridget Haug
02:48 Mar 04, 2023

This was so well done, I truly enjoyed it! Congrats on the shortlist :)

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Will Willoughby
12:44 Mar 04, 2023

Thanks so much! Glad you liked it. :-)

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Richard E. Gower
19:20 Mar 03, 2023

Oh maaan, this was just fall-on-the-floor funny! 🤣 You SO nailed "that guy' -there's one in every office, in every company, and especially in government. Loved the way you (sorry, Dave..) turned it around on him. Congratulations!

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Will Willoughby
20:41 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks! I was curious how people might interpret that reversal. (Is Dave, annoyed at getting steamrolled and misnamed, being sarcastic? Or is it an act of empathy to speak in the other’s language? Maybe sarcastic at first?) I guess a later draft could develop that. Anyway, thanks for the kind words!

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Richard E. Gower
22:27 Mar 03, 2023

I was reading it from a fly on the wall, third-party point of view. I saw it as a neatly-done passive aggressive method of using the prat's own gobbledygook to shift the power balance to put the pretentious twit in his place. Dave's not likely to get a promotion soon, so he's going to have to put up with this guy lording it over him and judging his work for the forseeable future; might as well get a few subtle licks in to maintain his equilibrium, lest he go crazy. Was I reading too much into it...?....probably....but, for anyone who spent ...

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Will Willoughby
23:00 Mar 03, 2023

Wow. Yeah, that’s it. Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better. It is about power. If Dave jokes with this guy, it’s only to knock him off balance. If he says something supportive, it’s only to shine a light on this guy’s egotism. Really nice reading. That it came through so clearly is encouraging. Makes me want to develop this piece further. Thank you! 🙂

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Laurel Hanson
17:59 Mar 03, 2023

So well done! Funny, deeply satirical take on how we can use jargon to bury actual communication. So let me circle back and say, congratulations!

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Will Willoughby
19:05 Mar 03, 2023

Much thanks! So glad you enjoyed it. 🙂 (Yes, I’m fighting the urge to reply as Character A, which would be obnoxious. So I’ll just say thanks!)

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Wendy Kaminski
15:38 Mar 03, 2023

omg Will LOL!! This was seriously one of the funniest things I have read in a while. What a delightful sense of the absurd you have! "Ginormous graphs. Crushing overall length. It’s the verbiage itself. It’s too—what’s the word?—too comprehensible." - every terrible boss ever! "outline the key principles underpinning the central paradigm, no?” “Sure.” - LOL! “Davey, my man!” - rofl he finally got it!! I love that he rarely ever seemed to get the protagonist's name right, despite repeated corrections. Just icing on the cake! When I decom...

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Will Willoughby
16:21 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks! It was a fun one to write. I mean, jocular engagement was experienced during the drafting, re-drafting, and ultimate dissemination of the work. But that goes without saying. So glad you liked it! Thank you for the kind words. 🙂

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Kelly Sibley
08:56 Feb 26, 2023

Yep, I know people like that! Good one, Dave! - That was well written, It didn't take me long before I wanted to do some slapping! Very entertaining. Well Done

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Will Willoughby
12:33 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks! :-)

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