Little Warm Hug

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   I sat there, unconsciously twirling a loose lock of my hair. My fingers stroking across the uneven grains of the wooden desk that sat in front of me. Awaiting for my mind to come up with something, anything. 

   My fingers began in a thumbing motion as I could feel my eyebrows crease towards the center of my head. I pressed the graphite of the yellow number two pencil against my lips, then they squished into a hard line.

   With my right hand, I hovered over a piece of paper sitting directly on the old desk. I breathed heavily to sigh, as tiny rays of light peeped through my bland curtains.  

  I had to do this quick, and get it over with before I could change my mind, or others could make me.

  I glanced at the ground, where I had crumpled up thousands of notes, trying to capture what I wanted to say in my mind, but all failing. My eyes then began to feel the aches of me pulling an all-nighter. That made me laugh softly to myself, as I pulled my arm up to a stretch.

This shouldn't be that hard, I mean I've felt this way for a while.

    It had been the same way for the last 10 years, possibly my whole life. I had the idea drilled into my head. And I stupidly believed every word that my parents had spoken, and the ones I was 95 percent sure they would say. But...

No. That 5% of doubt is buried deep where I could never find it.

  I unwillingly went by the phrase, "I'm not good enough". I flinched thinking of that one statement. I knew it was bad to think this way, but I'm a burden. All I do is sit around all day, I feel so useless. But I willingly sought to be better because of this. 

   My left hand motioned my pencil softly to where the graphite would press against the paper with little force. My right fingers clenched into a loose fist and scraped the corners of my eye, smoothly rubbing them repeatedly. My eyes closed under the little pressure, as I let out a yawn.

   My mind then wondered. My eyes looked around as they drooped, my body slumping on the rickety torn up office chair. 

   The deepest darkest thoughts I've ever had lingered in my head. I shot up. My hand dropped to the paper, and tilted the pencil in my hand. My thoughts became so vivid that I couldn't even pause to rest.

   As my fingers moved the pencil across the paper unconsciously, I stared down at the it. My lips curled into a pout, as I began to chew on my lower lip. 

   As my pace slowed, I began remembering the plans that I'd thought through. As soon as I was done, I would take my car, the little cash I had saved up, and drive away. Drive as far as my conscience would let me, then I'll do something, anything, to make myself actually useful.

   As soon as I finished, I signed my name bidding farewell. Then folded the paper in half, and carried it as I snuck downstairs. Slowly trying to not make a sound. I then set the note on the counter, and swung my arm around so that I could grab my keys that were on a tiny hook. They jingled and rung with the smallest movement.

  I quickly swooped my other hand to stop the movement. Even though it was pretty quiet, it was still a valid reason to be paranoid. Did someone hear me?

  I slid my feet across the smooth cold tile. Careful to not thump them. As I moved, the penguin chain I had on my keys swished. But was surprisingly more silent than I had been. The time on the microwave marked 3:00 am. 

   As I made my way to the hallway, I grabbed the secretly stashed luggage from under the stairs. My hand slid to my cheek, and brushed a stray hair that was in my face. 

   I set down the bags to shrug on a coat, just worrying which one would be warm enough. I never thought about this consciously. But now I was considering using my coat as a blanket. It was better than nothing. 

   I continued, pulling the weight of the duffel bag over my back. I inched towards the door. I felt my hands begin to shake, and I hesitated as a reached for the door handle. I took a deep breath. It helped, so I began to take several slow deep breaths. 

   "C'mon, I have to do this, I have no other choice..." I chanted softly to myself. I wasn't going to stop now, I accepted it mentally, but physically my body urged to stop. I put my hand on my forehead and looked up. I closed my eyes, and it felt good. My other hand reached for the door and twisted the metal handle. 

   My eyes would have refused to open, if it had not been for the sudden anxiety that flushed over me. As the door creaked slightly. I felt a cool breeze reach my face. It was getting colder as autumn began to change to winter.

  I shivered slightly, my body jerking toward the inner warmth of the house. I pulled my coat closer , securing whatever warmth I could find. As I focused my head forward, the cold hit my face. 

    I tugged my things to the door and motioning my body to the outside world. My hand dropped to my side, and unconsciously brushed the tips of my shirt. As I stepped out onto the pavement I could hear the crunch of the gravel underneath my worn-down tennis shoes.

    To prevent anymore noise, I slowly creaked the door shut and walked on the tips of my toes. I pulled the duffel bag up again, due to my lack of energy and strength. My arms were getting tired fast, and my weak noodle arms didn't help that problem. 

    I leaned my weight to one side and shuffled my feet as I got anxious. I was closer to the car, meaning closer to stopping being a nuisance to my family. I winced at the word, at this point I thought they would never want me to comeback. I was too much trouble to even bother with.

   As I reached my car door, I paused. Everything was still, except for the sway of the tree, and the soft coos of the birds. I could hear the distant sounds of melancholic wind chimes, and muffled rumbles and honks of the highway close by. I stared deeply into the dark blue paint of my car. I was at a constant war, contemplating whether to stay or leave, with each passing second.

    I then swung the car door open, exposing the rough leather seats of my beat up four seater to the cold. And flipped my stuff from my aching shoulder, and plopped them down in the passenger seat. I proceeded to close the door. The keys jingled in harmony beautifully with the chimes. I bent my head over, brushing the back of my ear with my finger and let out a deep audible sigh.

    I shivered at the cool feel of my finger. My head slowly lifting up. I stepped to turn around and leaned my body to move forward. My legs reaching toward the driver's seat door. Even though I had the weight of the bags lifted off of me, I still felt heavy. I moved even more sluggishly as I shifted my body to face the door.

    I heard a creak, and I instinctively turned my head slightly facing where the noise had come from. My eyes glanced, scanning the yard. 

    "BAILEY!" 

  I flinched as I heard the scream, my body now faced the same direction. shivering, and not just because of the cold.

   "Sophie what are you doing up..." my voice trailing off. My face tensed up, and my mouth slightly open. If I were to look at a mirror this exact moment, I'd probably look like a criminal suddenly being caught. I could feel it as my whole body froze.

  My vision adjusted to see her more clearly. This girl, a little younger than I was. She had slightly more darker brunette curls than I had. But the same amber eyes. My sister. She was the only one out of all my family that could ever stop me from leaving. But not leaving would be selfish. I was mentally preparing myself to be stubborn. 

  I forced my expression to smooth as I put on a poker-face. I gulped down a big lump in my throat and swallowed hard. 

  I lifted up my lips slightly, sighed, then prepared myself to say the simplest, shortest thing I could think of.

 "What." , I could hear the monochrome, cold tone in my voice.

  She made an inaudible noise as she squeaked out the word. 

 "What?...", I tried to sound nonchalant as possible, but my voice cracked a little. My eyes widened slightly in response.

 "Why.." She forced out a loud whisper. I could hear the shake in her voice. Tears started trickling down her cheek.

 "I.." 

I choked on my own thoughts. Doubt lingered in them. But I pushed forward, flattening my voice.

"What's it to you." I breathed, just a little over what I thought she could hear. I didn't possibly want anyone else to wake up.

  She gave me the look of sheer horror. I wondered what honestly went through her head at this moment. I shrugged, trying to hide my feelings, hoping that my face wouldn't show it. Her head lowered, and looked at her shoes. 

   My hands began swinging from side to side. I knew I was getting more nervous, how much longer could I fake not caring?

  I copied her motion and looked at the ground, listening to sounds. The one that caught my attention, was the crushing of gravel, but it was getting louder. My head shot up before my eyes did. My face couldn't even register an expression.

  I was then pushed back a little, as my sister clung me into a hug. My arms still up in the air surprised. She squeezed me tighter her arms flowing around my back. I then began to realize,what had happened, but the shocked expression didn't leave my face.

  "Don't leave..." she whispered. I felt her fingers dig deeper into my jacket. Her head then slumped into my chest. I could hear the heavy muffled sobs. I winced.

 She began again, " At least..." , she paused for a shaken sigh. I bit my lip. "... don't leave me..." my hands hovered over her head. "..please". I fought the urge to stroke her head, ruffling her hair, and cooing soft promises of me staying. I clenched my fingers.

"I'm sorry.." I finally muttered.

   My lips tensed into a firm line, and my fists were shaking. She glanced up. The bottom of her eyes were a swollen pink color, and her deep amber irises staring at me with remorse. I felt my nose sting a little, and I twitched. My throat became dry.

  A closed my eyes, it was too hard for me to look at her expression, "..I have to.." , I choked out. My voice cracked. She began to squeeze me tighter, and started to whimper in soft sobs. She dug her head further into me, my arms unconsciously closing in on her. 

Her body was so warm... I then squeezed my eyes shut. 

 "If this goes on any longer I'll stay forever.." I mumble inaudibly to myself. My trembling hands motioned toward her shoulders. I could feel her fragile body shaking more than mine. Her hair lightly touched my hand and I flinched. 

  My hands then touched her shoulders, and my body jerked away from her. As I shoved her body away, her eyes followed and met with mine. My eyes stung. My lips were trembling, and I dug my teeth into my tongue. I felt tears forming. I held them back as much as I could, but a single tear escaped. I could taste blood in my mouth. My body backed away slowly.

   My hands weakly wrapped their fingertips around the car door handle, and yanked it forward. I forced myself into the driver's seat. I shoved the keys into the ignition and turned them. The old engine roared to life, and without a second to spare, I impulsively backed out of the dirt driveway. As I turned, I stared at the expression stuck on Sophie's face.

  She was wide-eyed, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her brows creased, and her nose scrunched up. She had hints of confusion written over her dumbfounded expression. Her arms still in the air like she was hugging me, but her hands pushed out. She didn't move. I grimaced looking away.

   I pressed my foot against the gas, and the tiny car rumbled as I drove. I then got on the highway. I was dazed, mindlessly driving. As the traffic slowed I found myself going into conscious again. The sun was fully out, over the trees and the buildings of a nearby city.

  I pulled to the side of the road quickly, getting a commanding honk and glare in the process, but I didn't care. I pulled to a stop. I then stared out the windshield. And then to the steering wheel. I slumped, and sighed. The burn came back, and my vision became blurred by the liquid coming from my eyes. I rested my arms on the wheel and folded them. My head then smashed into my arms. I buried my face, and sobbed. 

I whispered, "What am I gonna do now.."

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"Nothing will knock you down quicker than offering the best of yourself to someone and it's still not good enough"  

        - M. W Poetry 

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