Karmageddon

Submitted into Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

11 comments

Funny Fantasy Drama

In a final dramatic bid to eradicate Humanity, and the root cause of suffering, spam emails, flame wars over climate change, and endless Hollywood remakes plaguing the Universe, the Enemy command redirected its computer-generated intelligence to orchestrate an unprecedented three-pronged attack to wipe out Planet Earth. Combining top military strategies from Mars and Jupiter, with the best Area-51 conspiracy theories from 8chan to QAnon, these Alien forces unleashed the ultimate trilogy of destruction, as never before attempted on any theatre screen in any dimension. Much less in real life, by any stretch of the imagination. Or lack thereof by mindless hacks.

Transcending every warped depiction of time and space, these Saviors of the Universe plotted to rewrite history by targeting three most Sacred moments in God's divine plans for Creation.

Defying the Author of Life, these Rebel invaders called forth an army from parallel worlds to gain backdoor access to human communications and data transmissions in every language and medium. After sampling massive files of fact mixed with fiction, text messages and Tweets, including YouTube videos that tested below the intelligence level of any other animal species, the Aliens identified core patterns that revealed innermost workings of human nature and conflict. Forbidden knowledge even Wikileaks considered classified.

Confident they had pinpointed core weaknesses in the Master blueprint governing mankind, these Rebel Aliens vowed to tip the scales of justice, disrupting the natural balance between good and evil, to ensure God's most self-absorbed creatures would implode on themselves. Instantly. Without dragging out the inevitable through another season like Netflix.

Team Mars under “Operation Fallout” produced Termination Model S-6000. Subtly disguised as a talking serpentine lifeform, this Unit sent backwards in time would manipulate Eve in the Garden, pitting the First Lady of Eden against her hapless Husband. Humans would forever squabble, blaming corruption and abuse on everything from sexism to Satan. Never knowing the real source ….

I. PHASE ONE – Fallout in Eden

ADAM:           Eve, for God's sakes! First you name the African snake something I can't even pronounce,

        And now this? a C-O-E-what? (He shakes his head, puzzled.)

EVE:               Your suggestions for names are so boring and trite.

                 I think life ought to sound more interesting, don't you?

ADAM:           This is nothing but a Big Black Fish! Is there any reason we can't call it that? An Ugly Black Fish?

EVE:               Oh, Adam! You have no imagination. Can't we be a little more creative, please?

ADAM:           "Unicorn" made sense. This does not.

                       Sometimes I think you overanalyze too much.

EVE:               At least some of the birds and fish need difficult names, so they won't be ordered in restaurants, and get hunted into extinction.

                       Reptiles that nobody can spell or pronounce

                       won't be listed on the menu or sold in any drive-thru.

ADAM:           Creatures with names that long won't make the endangered species list either!

                       You'd fit more animals on the list with shorter names like "cat" or "ox" or "dodo."

EVE:  Gosh, honey, you're so smart. No wonder God made you first!

ADAM:           That's okay. I think you just get confused easily.

EVE:               Perhaps, but only at certain times of the month.

ADAM:           Nope, don't start blaming the moon again.

                       You've been talking with the Silver Snake, am I right?

                       The one who hangs around the fig tree, and flattens himself against the wall, so you can admire yourself in the mirror? Tell me if I'm wrong.

EVE:               No, honey, you're always right.

                       I did walk by there yesterday, and --

ADAM:           And spent hours studying your reflection? What is it with you? Why aren't you happy glancing down at the lake now and then? My hair looks just fine when I wake up in the morning.

EVE:               It's not just my hair, or my face, it's my whole body.

                       The Snake told me that I have a body like his,

                       our curves were designed to be pleasing to look at, and to touch.

                       The only part of your body that reminds me of -- (she reaches down)

ADAM:           Now, Eve, don't go there. You know that gets me excited.

EVE:               But I like it, don't you? It's so neat how your body does that!

ADAM:           Don't tease me, stop it! (He slaps her hand.) That's what I hate about you.

                       You always do this to me. And always at a critical point in our conversation.

EVE:               But I like you. You're different from me. It's so fascinating. Aren't you curious?

                       Here, come with me. Stand right here. Look at us together in the mirror.

                       (Eve, leading Adam by the hand, walks him to the fig tree by the wall.)

                       See how our bodies fit so perfectly like this?

                       Look at my breasts, aren't they beautiful at this angle?

ADAM (sober): Eve, I don't think the forbidden fruit is floating around this Garden.

I think it's hidden somewhere inside your body. Mind if I explore?

EVE (giggling): Hey, can we watch ourselves in the Mirror this time? (Adam smiles and consents.)         

Thus, having introduced Adam and Eve to the sin of unnatural lust and loss of innocence, the Silver Snake, Model S-6000, successfully gets the First Couple kicked out of Paradise.

This Phase One fallout was destined to trap future generations in vicious cycle that could only end tragically -- in more painful divorces, religious warfare and country songs, and long misspelled rants online, between men and women blaming each other for bad breakups, that almost crashed the Alien databases during their tedious research on Social Media.

In case this first operation had failed to bring down God's heavenly projection of childhood happy endings, and blind faith in suspension of disbelief, Termination Model Z-2000 from Jupiter was assigned to Phase Two, scheduled for thousands of years later, aimed at the continent of Asia.

Mystical patterns in the stars and planets, confirmed by tabloid psychics, all predicted the birth of an Enlightened one: A prophetic break in the chain of Karma, unjustly freeing mass populations from self-induced misery they clearly deserved!

Phase Two would locate and terminate this future Buddha -- born to a royal family in India, which made him easier to Google -- by altering his perception to prevent such thoughts of injustice from entering his otherwise noble mind.

Thus, Team Jupiter programmed a Silver Spoon to loop a steady illusion of security to keep this poor boy, or rather, rich Prince Siddartha, confined within the digitally painted walls of his father's palace. Oblivious to human poverty and suffering in the world, the fated Buddha had to remain blissful in his ignorance. The Silver Spoon's primary directive was to guarantee young Siddartha missed his calling to trade his opulent lifestyle for the foolish cause of spiritual enlightenment that risked liberating all beings on the Planet.

After Model S-6000 complete Phase One, Model Z-2000 launched the next stage of spiritual havoc, centuries after Moses laid down God’s laws and before Jesus fulfilled them. This time, in Ancient India. In a garden far, far away ….

II.PHASE TWO – The Eastern Block

According to Internet rumors, Buddha was born with a Silver Spoon in his mouth. This mysterious Silver Spoon followed him around, preventing him from seeing the suffering in the world. Until one day Buddha got wind that there was higher truth about human existence. He escaped the Silver Gates of his princely palace, and sought refuge under a tree, determined to meditate there until the truth came to him at last. Little did Buddha know that the voice whispering to him in the breeze was a Silver Wind Chime hanging overhead.

WIND:                         Buddha, be still. You must listen to me.

                                    There are strange voices out there that do not speak the truth.

BUDDHA:                   O humble voice of wisdom, how will I know thee from deceit?

                                    How can I discern what is false and what is true?

WIND:                                     The truth will be consistent with all things past and future.

(Buddha smiles)            The present will be --

CHIMES:                                 Do not listen to that nonsense. Do not think of the present moment.

(Buddha frowns)           Do not think at all.

                                      Do not challenge false beliefs or question your mental health.

                                      You are taught to respect your elders. That is all you need to do.

                                      Upsetting society will only make you unpopular, forever misunderstood.

                                      Rejected by everyone but vagabonds and beggars unworthy of your company.

WIND:                                     Do not be fooled by appearances. Rich or poor, be at peace.

(Buddha smiles)            Peace brings harmony to the world. Live for the love of life!

                                                You will influence the masses without creating political unrest.

CHIMES:                                 True, you should live for the sake of living.

(Buddha frowns)                        But not in a way that causes change.

                                                Change causes suffering, and must be arrested, slowed down.

WIND:                                     That voice that clammers in your mind is your fear.

(Buddha squirms)                      The fear of change, of the past and future colliding in the present.

                                                It is the sound the truth makes when it blows through your soul.

                                    You must not fear change, but put it in proper perspective.

                                    Be like the house that does not resist the hurricane,

                                    But opens its doors and windows, and thus withstands the storm.

                                    There is no reason to fear, when you take delight in learning and teaching.

                                    There is no shame in faults from the past, only the joy of overcoming --

CHIMES:                                 That is the biggest bunch of hogwash I've ever heard in my life.

(Buddha frowns)           I've heard better stories on cassettes you can order by telephone!

                                      Do not, I repeat, do not repeat anything you have learned that can benefit other people.

                                      Stay to yourself. Be mindful of mindlessness. Whatever truths you may find

                                      Keep them all to yourself so that every spirit has an equal chance

                                      to know the struggle and heartache of repeating, I say, repeating stupid mistakes.

                                    Why shouldn't anyone else work as hard as you did to evolve to this point?

                                    Do not make life easier for anyone but yourself. Why sacrifice joy for human misery?

                                    Even friends will accuse and insult you. You will only see war, and never know peace.

WIND:                         Forgive those who may resent you, for they know not how to love.

(Buddha weeps)            It is their ignorance that entraps them by placing blame, shunning correction.

                                         But the truth will set you free.  Always seek the truth!

                                         Share your knowledge with others, that freedom may abound!

WIND and                   Disguise the truth in diverse tongues! Package your words in mismatched containers!

CHIMES                                  Christians shall know God's truth as Salvation in the Kingdom of Heaven;

(clanging                                  So tell your people to seek Enlightenment, not through worship, but through Wisdom --

together,                                   Christians shall forgive their neighbors, and speak of loving their brothers and sisters;

while Buddha                Teach your people the same ways of Life as overcoming karma with Compassion.

claps one hand              Confuse Resurrection with Reincarnation.

over each ear)               Mix Prayers and Petitions with Nirvana and Nothingness!

CHIMES:                                 Confuse the peoples of the earth. Forever divided, let them squabble to the end.

                                         Human beings are not fit to receive. They are selfish, smelly, and poorly designed.

WIND:                          Speak the truth in the language of the people, but not at the expense of other cultures.

                                     Christ will come in time to unify the elders of all tribal nations,

                                     That every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess.

                                     That is not your job, but to prepare your people for His coming.

                                     Do the best you can. Be patient. Be wise. Be wary!

Model Z-2000 returned from this assignment, uncertain of the impact and outcome. Only the future would reveal if Buddha heeded the voice of reason and compassion, or caved to personal fear, not wanting any part of religious wars looming ahead on the horizon.

Calculations showed Phase One, infiltrating the First Couple in Eden, was almost sufficient in itself. Over time, it would inevitably spell humanity's doom, even if the second offensive fell apart, like a poorly written science fiction comedy, ripped to pixels by critics and left on cutting room floor.

Though Phase Two was not as crucial, it was still predicted to have a significant impact on the final outcome, by slowing down the intellectual growth of humanity enough to ensure the success of Phase Three.

This final phase, the "Golden Rule" was weighed equally critical as the first, if not more.  This operation would manipulate human perception of which rules to live by. Either by knowledge of the laws of Equal Justice that would liberate humanity to live in Peace and Freedom. Or by monetized control of authority that would perpetuate greed for power and eternal wars.

At that point, however, the Aliens found themselves running short of ideas and material. (Ironically, much like the very humans they sought to wage war against!) Termination Model X-4000, looked more like a last-minute contest submission a Subcommittee threw together. Because it was.

Assembled from pirated software, recycled film props and interplanetary ore, even a few misquoted Bibles, this key Weapon exhausted all available scrap materials, melted down and molded into monolithic machine that minted attractive Silver Currency.

Deceptively simple, yet sophisticated in design, the sole purpose was to unravel the fabric of society by dividing masters from slaves, rich from poor, and lenders from beggars.

Inciting class wars between tribal nations in a race to sell each other out, the Silver Coins were predetermined to stop Jesus' charitable ministry dead in its tracks, enforcing a rigid caste system that enslaved humans to their own institutions, which the Aliens cleverly mimicked.

III.PHASE THREE – Final Showdown

MARY:             I don't see how a mere machine can defeat the greatest Man ever conceived.

MONITOR:       I don't see how you, a pregnant mortal woman, can devise a way to stop me.

                              I contain more memory in a single cell than the entire human race combined --

MARY:             I hold God in my heart, and in my very womb.

MONOLITH:    I store 37 billion giza-jigs per sector to be exact --

MARY:             That's pronounced jiza-gigs.

MONITOR:       Whatever. 37 gillion ziga-jigs. Not including my infinite exchange unit that can

                              replicate the coins of any country. Human desire for money is your one tragic fault.

MARY:             I'm not impressed with your worthless wealth. You cannot buy a mother's love.

                              That is one thing, one joy you will never know.

MONOLITH:    Money buys information. Knowledge buys freedom and power.

                              And you don't know the password to shut me up or down.

MARY:             God will give me the words I need.

MONITOR:       Your faith in God is but a product of evolution, a survival tactic, a reset button in the

                              brain. A random chip that makes the human mind justify living recklessly at the expense

                              of all life on the planet.

MARY:             There is truth to what you say. You are indeed programmed well.

MONOLITH:    I am programmed to change shape at will. And to change currency simultaneously.

                              I can even change my own password, so you might as well give up now.

MARY:             I will sit here and wait on God.

MONITOR:       You will sit a long time, then. Let me give you a clue.

                              What is the name of your Son, the Holy Messiah?

                              Give me that and I'll spare your Son's life. Guess wrong, and He is mine to destroy.

MARY:             That's easy. His name is Jesus. Everyone knows that.

MONOLITH:    Yes, but how do you spell it? That is the burning question.

                              There are 45 different alphabets on my central keyboard alone.

                              You must type in the one and only name of the Lord. Otherwise you are doomed to hell.

MARY:             Yeshua? Yashua or Ishua? There are maybe a handful of permutations.

MONITOR:       Wrong. There are as many names for Jesus as there are people on this earth.

                              To some, His name means Justice with Mercy. Peace and Joy, Freedom, Charity.

                              You may enter variations on those themes if you like.

                              The thesaurus is located on the left, next to the off-switch. Oo0ps. 0h, Chr111st!

01010101010101010110101010001010101101010000101011110101010100110001101010010010010011010100010010

Perhaps by divine intervention, the Alien monitor made a fatal error. Mary succeeded in silencing the monolithic machine, but forgot to pick up the Silver Pieces left sitting in the money changer. 

Only thirty pieces were needed to sell out Jesus. Since then the Alien currency has multiplied and taken over other markets.

To this day, rumors still circulate online. Some claim the Aliens are watching and plotting a possible Phase Four of their plans to wipe out the rest of humanity.

Others argue that Aliens are equally divided in selfishness as any other creatures they might conquer. The same conflicts that human beings cannot resolve would also prevent Aliens from uniting in victory. Divine mysteries (such as why God, as a self-proclaimed divine being would bother to save worthless humans, or why humans would believe Jesus was the Son of God, while also claiming Jesus was God, and the Holy Spirit was also God, but not the same as Jesus. What?!!) remain baffling to Alien intelligence, confounding even their leading analysts.

Nonetheless, one point is clear: By failing to forgive and unite under the laws of divine grace, and justice with mercy, Humanity remains at risk of dying off. Whether by internal fault, or invasive manipulation by hostile forces.

Otherwise, the resulting unity would reconcile all earthly tribes and nations in peace. Humanity would achieve lasting redemption. And collaborate to save their World from destruction.

Such an undeserved victory and storybook ending could be cut short, by stirring deep-rooted hatred to divide and conquer the masses, and to foment bloody wars for gratuitous effect.

By intervening to defeat any misguided attempt to rescue Humanity from their own demise, Aliens have calculated these three well-orchestrated strikes as sufficient to finish the job.

Mapping the best and worst extremes of human knowledge and experience, from creative expression to mindless destruction, the Aliens thus conspired to turn the words and weapons of Humanity against them, to bring their inevitable downfall from within.

September 25, 2020 21:35

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

11 comments

Len Mooring
03:00 Sep 28, 2020

Oh, Emily, your 'Garden of Eden' ranks with the gods. Humour, perceptiveness, just fantastic. I think if you could make the whole story into the 'film script' mode, I think it would be much more effective. I think it would carry the philosophy in a more light-hearted way as you clearly have much humour in you as well as a message to deliver. I'm amazed at how you find the time to do all you do. I picture you with a recording device in one hand while you type a story with the other.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Kyra Robin
23:40 Sep 30, 2020

Okay, this was great, I'm personally an atheist so I died laughing a couple times, I could see this winning!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Silvia Bartolini
21:15 Sep 27, 2020

This reminded me of Good Omens, and I love how surreal it is, mixing pop culture, the bible and alien plans. Well done!

Reply

Show 0 replies
P. Jean
17:25 Sep 27, 2020

I think I would like your story, it began well. But then I thought....just like it and move on, maybe no need to read at all. Actually you like 25 of my stories this morning all with the same time stamp. I at least read half way through yours before liking. I sure don’t understand the game! Maybe just boredom?

Reply

Emily Nghiem
18:05 Sep 27, 2020

I will take time tp read and comment later. For writers like you who are taking time to read stories, and share comments I believe you deserve more points. So I add likes especially if you are on the border of getting to 900 or 1000, to boost morale and encourage writers who are making that kind of effort. We need more like you so that's the least I can do to say THANKS and contribute to this board when I'm short on time. Thank you! keep reading writing and doing what you are doing, and I hope more members do what you do!

Reply

P. Jean
18:12 Sep 27, 2020

As good an explanation as any other. Thank you for reading when you do!

Reply

Emily Nghiem
18:34 Sep 27, 2020

Yes, I went back to working two jobs, and maybe three if the weekends get used up also. So I hope to get my writing done in there somewhere, while supporting talented writers like you who inspire me not to give up but keep working on it! Thank you again for contributing and sharing on here!

Reply

P. Jean
18:44 Sep 27, 2020

You are very welcome!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
19:17 Sep 26, 2020

Wow, I'm reminded of Mark Twain in the beginning. This is a complex but very interesting story. I like it. Well written and focused. I'll follow you for more stories. Please check out my story "Letters to My Children" Let me know what you think. Robert

Reply

Show 0 replies
. .
21:47 Oct 19, 2020

I love your writing style so much! The detail was on point and the characters were very thought out. Can't wait to see more from you. Hope to see you around

Reply

Show 0 replies
Emily Nghiem
21:37 Sep 25, 2020

Dedicated to Len Mooring and my other new friends on Reedsy! Enjoy!

Reply

Show 0 replies