Just Another Manic Monday

5:37 a.m.: Opened my eyes.

5:40 a.m.: Mentally created a list of things that need to get done during my waking hours.

5:45 a.m.: Started coffee maker.

5:46 a.m.: Stared into the abyss awaiting the completion of the caffeinated ambrosia that fuels me in my day to day life.

5:50 a.m.: Drank my coffee while playing on my phone absentmindedly. Playing games and scrolling through social media in silence as I prepare for “the awakening.”

6:07 a.m.: “The awakening” happened. There was a thud, slamming door, and pattering of footsteps down the hallway. My crotch goblin has made her grand entrance. She woke up eight minutes before her alarm went off. The silence of the morning has dissipated.

6:08 a.m.: Received my morning snuggles. Taking advantage of the belly booger’s need for cuddles from mommy was of the utmost importance. It only occurred intermittently if the right conditions were met.

6:13 a.m.: Argued with the miniature version of myself over what she wanted for breakfast. Unfortunately, her requested bacon, eggs, toast, hashbrowns, mixed fruit, and fresh squeezed orange juice were not available for her.

6:18 a.m.: Provided the ankle biter with her breakfast alternative, Mini Raviolis, and her diet meth, more commonly known as Focalin, a medication prescribed for ADHD. She comes by it honestly. The odds of her being neurodivergent were high due to having neurodivergence run in her bloodline on both sides. #doublewhammy

6:20 a.m.: Picked out the semen demon’s attire for the day, prepared her toothbrush, and turned off her alarm that had been going off for the past five minutes.

6:22 a.m.: After that was completed, it was time for the second awakening. “The awakening” of the wife. This required a cup of coffee already prepared for her. While I prepared the coffee, I checked the progress of the twat fruit’s breakfast consumption and directed her to her next task.

6:29 a.m.: A battle ensued between my drunken accident’s hair and the brush in my hand. Hair-1, brush-0.

6:35 a.m.: We all went outside and waited for the bus to arrive. My wife and I drank our coffee as our groin dropping sang weird songs created by her and her school friends, ran around, and found something to occupy her hands and mind with as her diet meth began to take effect.

6:51 a.m.: The school bus arrived to cart our spawn of Satan off to school where she will act like the perfect angel that we are raising her to be.

7:00 a.m.: Tried to seduce my wife with my bed head, morning breath, and moo moo.

7:05 a.m.: Gave up on my attempts of pre-workday coitus and assisted my wife with gathering her lunch and water bottle while she finished getting ready.

7:18 a.m.: Practiced French on Duolingo. Je ne parle pas un peu francais.

7:30 a.m.: My wife left for work. I was afforded a moment to myself to sit in silence. Complete silence.

7:35 a.m.: After I sat in silence and contemplated my past life decisions and how they brought me to that moment in time for five minutes, I got myself ready for my day.

8:20 a.m.: Working from home has its perks. One of them being that I was able to sit in the shower for thirty minutes while the searing hot water cooked me alive. I finished up with my morning ritual, sat down at my desk, and booted up my computer.

8:30 a.m.: Checked my email and ADT alerts (when one of our clients goes to the hospital, we get notified).

8:37 a.m.: Created an overly detailed to-do list for the week, prioritized each task and assigned them to certain days, and emphasized the important words with every color highlighter I owned.

9:45 a.m.: Had a meeting with my care manager.

10:00 a.m.: Team meeting.

11:30 a.m.: Had a meeting with my other care manager.

11:45 a.m.: Started my calls and other tasks for the day. Helping others solve their problems is so much easier than solving your own.

3:15 p.m.: Waited outside for the bus to arrive.

3:25 p.m.: The bus dropped Lucifer incarnate off at our house.

3:26 p.m.: My detached hemorrhoid shoved papers in my hands and demanded that I sign them immediately while she walked past me to get herself a snack.

3:32 p.m.: After signing the papers for Her Majesty, I realized that the only thing on my stomach was a granola bar, a cup of coffee, water, and gum. The only solution to this was to shove my face full of whatever was the quickest thing to prepare in my pantry or fridge.

3:45 p.m.: Returned to work.

4:30 p.m.: Turned my work laptop off and switched it out for my personal one. I started a discussion board that was most definitely late. #goodbye4.0gpa

4:45 p.m.: The wife returned home after her arduous day at work. I instructed my mouthy trash panda to prepare herself for soccer practice.

5:10 p.m.: The whole family headed out to soccer practice. Tried to read some of my weekly readings on the way there. I didn’t get much done with the nonsensical yelling and yodeling from the back seat. When did she learn to yodel?

5:30 p.m.: Soccer practice started. My assistant coach and I stared at each other questioning why we agreed to coach a bunch of 8- and 9-year-old heathens as said heathens were running around screaming like banshees and kicking the soccer balls in every direction.

7:37 p.m.: Arrived home. It was crunch time. I quickly procured the hellion’s dinner, a generous helping of whatever leftovers were available in the refrigerator.

7:55 p.m.: Coaxed my nosepicker into the bathtub.

8:03 p.m.: Sat down at my desk. Again. Stared at the black screens of my laptop and monitor wondering why I decided going to school full-time was a good idea. Nonetheless, I continued where I left off with my schoolwork. This degree wasn’t going to get itself. #likeaboss

8:30 p.m.: Bedtime blessed our family with its presence.

(This is where I continue on to the next part of the evening like I didn’t argue with the materialized poltergeist that inhabits my child for 20 minutes about going to sleep.)

8:35 p.m.: My sweet angel baby was sound asleep in her bed “without” a fight! #momwin

8:36 p.m.: Sat back down at my desk to continue where I left off with my schoolwork.

9:39 p.m.: My wife kissed me good night. She asked me when I would be coming to bed. I lied and said “Soon.”

12:17 a.m.: Closed my laptop for the day. My eyes burned from the amount of blue light they consumed over the past 16 hours.

12:20 a.m.: Collapsed in bed. I listened to the white noise of the fans and the snoring of my wife and dogs.

12:21 a.m.: Scrolled through social media briefly. The mornings and the late evenings were the only times I could just exist.

12:34 a.m.: Drifted to sleep as I made a mental list of all the things I had to do the next day.