narcoleptic bitchy black swan

i have narcolepsy, which means that many times, i will hallucinate while transitioning between awake and asleep.

it's really shitty sleeping at random moments, but kinda funny. there was this time when i fucked my sister's husband and she found us on her bed. started screaming, acting all crazy and i remember looking at him and seeing him horrified! he contracted his lips, his eyes wide opened and his dick filled with blood! that was sooo awesome!!

i kinda feel bad, because they married 12 years ago or so. i am 12 years younger than she is and he said to me that i was just so similar to her in her good old days. that was sweet! it was the first time someone compared me with my sister in a positive way!

well, all the screaming of hers was a lovely lullaby and i caught myself slowly closing my eyes and turning my back to them.

- the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit?!!

- i just can't help but slee...

i felt her fingers in my arm.

burning in my back.

a hot liquid dripping from the wound.

and everything turned black.

next morning.

woke up by the buzzing of my alarm.

school day, i'm soooo enthusiastic.

got downstairs for the breakfast.

- hey, mom! hey, sis!

- hi, sweetheart!

felt my back itching.

- WOW, what the fuck?!

- what happened?

- what happened?! you fucking killed me!!

she stood up.

- get away from me!

- hey, calm down. i do not know what happened but we can talk through it.

she got closer.

i slapped her.

- i don't want you as my sister! you always have everything better than me! grades, looks, boyfriends! i hate you!!!

- what is wrong with you? you are hallucinating!

- there's NOTHING wrong with me!

i walked away.

opened the door.

and flew.

to wherever it was, i just needed to go.

as i'm sitting on the grass of a park uptown, i start thinking.

my sister didn't wear her wedding ring. in fact, as i was going to the door, i saw a pot. a pot with her husband's name. why didn't my mom intervene?

do i even have a sister?

i don't know, it's just a bit shitty to have narcolepsy, and i really feel like i'm sleeping now.

**

by the way, my name is Jenna! nice to meet you!

discovered the narcolepsy stuff when i was 7. it makes me sleep at random moments, which basically means sleeping while bathing, driving and masturbating.

after crying a bit, i came back home.

knock knock.

nobody answered.

searched in my pockets.

- yeah!

my keys!

opened the door.

- helloooo? i'm sorry about earlier, i was a lil’ bit exalted…

nobody answered!

- yo! i know i fucked up, but you don't have to ignore me!

i walked the hallway, looked the kitchen.

nothing.

searched for the stairs.

- what?...

there…

there were no stairs?

knock knock.

someone's at the door!

- who is it?

bang bang!

- WHO IS IT?!

nobody answered.

i opened the door.

a hot, tall young man was standing in front of me.

- hey, honey! what took you so long to open the door?

honey?

- who are you?

- oh, makes sense. hallucinating again, uh? lemme help you.

OUCH!!

he proceeded to insert his nails in my forearm!

and then…

i found myself sitting on the grass of a park uptown…

my sister was standing next to me.

- i did not want to wake you up. feeling better?

what…

is wrong…

with the world?!

**

everybody compared me with my sister, she was one of those special offsprings. those that the heaven blesses a couple in a million with the opportunity of helping growing up, you know what i'm saying?

A-level grades, just so, so, sooo sweet and funny! the pride of mommy, the treasure of daddy! every boy at school did not only wanted to fuck her, they begged for a relationship with her! EVERYBODY talked about her spectacular existence and performance in every single thing there was.

so i grew up to envy her. 

she was the best, the so good at everything, the vanilla ice cream all loved! people compared me to her. the two of them have the same blood, so they'll end up similarly incredible, right?

wrong.

i inherited the looks, the prettiness, the “10 out of 10”. every boy, also, wanted to fuck me. but no one ever considered entering in a relationship with this person of mine. am i such a trash? such a heinous and vile existence?! i started doubting myself. i was not so smart, not so cute, not so nice, every hope there was upon me slowly, but certainly, vanished as the years passed.

then i gave up.

with all the trying, i gave up.

i guess that's how those popular bitchy girls you all know are born. i turned myself into an ASSHOLE, the one you'd HATE, but would TALK about.

my sister was still standing there.

- hey, sis, i don't lie.

- what?

- when i said i hated you. i meant it.

- let us go home, you got to take your meds. you are acting really weird today.

- you always talk to me like i was this crazy girl, like i was fragile and needed your help soo much! i don't want it. i hate you and have always. you're perfect and i hate perfect people, you could die and i would laugh. like this, listen, haha.

she held my hands and guided me quietly to our house. we didn't exchange a word.

**

of course i wasn't always such a dick. until i was 16, there wasn't this huge rebel spirit that governed my actions and words. i was a pretty chill girl.

there was this day I got home from school, one teacher of mine had asked me about my sister, saying how of a great student she was, how teachers and classmates loved her. she managed to throw the biggest party of the year on her birthday.

so i got home, she welcomed me and we talked.

- hey, sweetheart! how was school today?

- they were talking about you. again. you know i love you, i really love you, from the bottom of my heart, but it makes me sad when they compare me to you. i don't feel like i'm as incredible as you, i don't even feel like i can be as incredible as you are and were!

her eyes didn't change. i hate it! she has this ability to not react, this ability to keep her cool no matter what! she just kept looking me while thinking…

- you are not what people say you are.

she said.

easy for you to say.

- everyone that you see has this outer facet aimed to the world, and an inner facet. only you know the last one. you know what you think, believe and are. other people can only know what you do and say. that is the funny part!

she smiled.

oh, fuck narcolepsy! i felt like sleeping again!

dropped my head but rapidly got it up.

she continued.

- everyone keeps saying that i am perfect, i do not like it too. i am certain that one day i will commit a heinous act, like…

her eyes locked with mine.

- murdering you!

she smiled.

**

sometimes i feel like i'm in that black swan movie.

don't you know it?!

there is this dancer girl who WANTS to perform the role of black swan. but she can't. it's not that she can't dance, it's just that she is a white swan.

there is this other girl, alluring, seductive, the one that makes your heart beat, the black swan.

so the first girl starts getting crazier and crazier to have the role, even though it's not for her.

in the end, she kills herself in a psychotic attack, hallucinating about her performance as the black swan.

i feel like someday i will end up killing myself trying to be the black swan.

**

so we got home. my sister and i went through the door. we sat on the sofa.

there were scissors on the table.

- we got to talk.

she said.

i went to the bathroom.

she went to the kitchen.

i opened the drawer, there were razors in there. and my meds. i got them.

when i came, my sister was already back. there was only a bottle of water on the table.

- what is happening with you? you are acting all weird the last months, it is as if a spirit possessed you.

- i'm not, i just freed myself. 

- it does not make sense. you were good, i was always there for you, you could have talked with mom and dad if you hated me so much. when everything went wrong?

- i was lonely.

it was cold.

- i was really lonely. i wanted to receive the attention you received.

- you could have trusted me! i was there for you!

- i can't!

- why won't you accept my help?! i just wanna be a good sister for you! i just wanna see you well!! why won't you let me?!!

- sister.

- what?!

- where are the scissors?

she looked confused.

- wh- what’re you talking about?

- where are the scissors that were on the table?

- oh, i put that away. i do not like edgy things where there can be an accident… 

- and who’d cause this “accident”?

- i really do not know where this comes from.

- oh, you know. you know it really well. you're the cause of all this! and now you're trying to solve this by killing me! but you can't!

i put my hands in the pocket.

she stepped away.

- sweetheart, i don't know what you're planning, but it's not the best way!

i searched for it.

- sis, when i do this, everything will be over. i'll finally be able to be happy!

i smiled. i found it!

- i can't let you!

she screamed.

she ran for me.

i got the hands out of my pocket!

and!

put it in my mouth!

- OUCH!!!

- what?...

my sister was in front of me.

she touched me.

with scissors through my chest.

- what did you do?

she asked.

- i have the pills. i just can't live anymore.

- weren't you… gonna kill me?

cough!

blood in my hands.

- i'm sorry. i'm so sorry! i didn't want to!

she apologized.

- i… i… forgive me, sweetheart! please! i don't want you to die! i didn't want to die! i was afraid!!!

- you'll be alright!

i smiled!

it feels like a dream.

if only it were all a dream, all a hallucination of my narcolepsy!

i fell.

- Jenna!

it was really cold.

i guess that's it.

her tears were drowning me.

i closed my eyes.

well, all i can say is that...

it's really shitty sleeping at random moments.