Redamancy

Grandmother's house was filled with fresh smells of honey crusted turkey, and fresh baked sugar cookies spaced neatly around caramel dipped apples. The strongest smell was my fathers’ thick homemade apple cider. The vibrant smells drifted from the dining room to the front window. 

Outside slowly made its way, under the door, to me. Thanksgiving was a time to be grateful for what you have. My nieces and nephews ran through the living room chasing paper planes, while grandma sat in the rocking chair by the rustic wood stove trying to hide the fact that she was making a scarf for Christmas. While everyone was wrapped in joyous conversations, I isolated myself with a cup of hot cider and sat by the window. Waiting. Waiting for the one truly special person to walk back into my life. With the fresh snowfall, I felt almost attacked, and for my sad feelings I can’t blame anyone but myself. I was the one who accepted this even though I knew the risks, even though I knew what I was getting into. Mothers gentle touch startled me as she placed her hand on my arm. Her face turned into a faint smile. She cut her hair  shorter since the last time I paid a visit and when she came to pick me up at the airport, I barely recognized her. Over the last few years, she has started getting smaller. Her features seeming to grow faint.  

“Honey, why don’t you come join us?” I said nothing. I had nothing nice to say. I was walking on a fine line from being happy to falling over the edge into oblivion. “Did I tell you that it’s going to get better? Your father and I had many rough patches.” She turned her whole body to face me. “Mom, this is not a rough patch. This is about her being an army commander.” My grip tightened around the mug. “And she has no control over how long she is deployed in Japan.” Lately it has been difficult. When she left we agreed to face time twice a month, but now I haven’t talked to her in what  feels like a lifetime. I just received a letter saying that she has to stay for another six months, due to some complications. It’s already been a year and six months. But to be fair I did this to myself.

“Let’s eat!” Yelled Emma from the dining room. Mother looked away from me to the dining room. She was trying to be sympathetic. I set my mug on the coffee table, moving around everyone and all of the cots spread out around the entryway to the small room at the end of the hallway, was a maze. The dining room was just big enough to fit all 16 of us “comfortably”. The children sat at the little blue table in the left corner of the room. The big table was able to set ten. Grandpa was very proud of the table he made. His friend from college was moving to Ohio and was selling his bowling alley to have enough money to open another one in the small town that  he and his wife were going to settle in for retirement. Grandpa convinced his friend to let him take a piece of the floor home to make a table. The deal was that if grandpa beat his friend at bowling he could have enough of the floor to make whatever he wanted. The table was so heavy that it has been in the exact same spot since my childhood. When James, Brad, Skip and I were younger we would set up mini bowling pins on this table and try to best grandpa. I am pretty sure that he is a god at bowling, or me and my brothers do not have hand and eye coordination. Grandpa and grandma sat at the head of the table. From grandpa’s right my father and mother sat. Next went the oldest of my parents children and their wives and husbands. Skip, the first child was married to Matt who had one boy, James the second child was married to Emma and had three children,  Brad the third child was married to Marian who was home with the twins, because they were both sick and she did not want to get everyone else sick. And me being the last child made up the last of the table. With everyone at the table, our family tradition can begin. The youngest child at the table will begin by saying something good that has happened over the past year. “Something that happened this year is that Cammi and I have set a wedding date for September.” I said full of excitement. Even though she would be gone for six more months does not mean that our wedding is over, it just means that we have more time to plan. 

“Marian and I are happy that our two children are doing amazing in school and on the basketball team.” Brad has always been obsessed with sports, he is a middle school basketball coach.  Everyone said something about their children or their jobs. Once everyone was done food was passed around, pieces of turkey, cake, cookies, stuffing, peas, and sweet potatoes with marshmallow went from one hungry hand to the next. By eight p.m. all the food in this room would be gone. My plate was filled with as much of everything as I could get, my siblings had always been greedy when it came to food. I hope Brad did not expect to bring home any leftovers for his family.  Time flew by, everyone shared embarrassing stories, funny stories, scary stories and just stories that did not happen. Even being surrounded by my family felt hypophrenia and I know the only way past this was to let my family help me. And I have, because I can never allow myself to fall into a blindness, were I just sit in darkness. 

The doorbell rang. “Who could that be? Everyone was already here.” Asked my brother James with a mouth filled with mashed potatoes I held up my hand and left the table to see who it was.  And a line appeared between James brows. I needed an excuse to get away from everyone for a moment. The stares from everyone were starting to get to me. They all knew that the plan was to have her here for thanksgiving. The door was cold and I could not see anyone through the peephole. With a groan I unlocked the door and opened it to have the warm air rush out and the cold air rush past me. There she was. Standing in her army uniform. Her autumn hair pulled back in a tight bun.

 “Can I come in? Or are you going to let me freeze?” She said in a singsong voice, and  gave a lopsided grin. I stepped aside and shut the door behind her.

“What are you doing - “ Before I could fishing asking my question she pulled me into a hug. 

“I’m sorry about the last two months. I found out that I would be able to finish my contract early. So I did and now I am home for good.” I was so jubilant that all I could do was hold her. Seeing her in person was much different than over a computer screen. The lights that hung over the lit fireplace was allowing a perfect contrast with her cognac eyes against her bronzed skin. I placed my hands on her shoulders.

 “Does this mean we can get married in May instead of September?” I asked. She chuckled and said,

 “Yes, I know you don’t like the cold.” I could feel my cheeks turn pink. Before I could lean in for a kiss, I heard my family walking into the living room to see who it was.

 “You made it.” Cried my mother. Everyone filled into the tight living room and started asking many questions. James wanted to know how her flight went and Skip wanted to know what wedding dress she picked out. The rest of the night turned into one long slow moment, and by sunrise everyone was asleep in whatever position they sat. 

  And seeing my whole family together reminded me that sometimes when bad things happen I just need to remember that my family will have my back no matter what happens. For this thanksgiving I am so grateful to have my loved ones close to me.