The Society of Smiley Faces

To say that the day had not got off to the greatest of starts would be an understatement. It was my first day in my new job and I was already running late. Of all the mornings for my car to explode this was the one it had to choose to do it on.

I rummaged around for the address in the pockets of my newly acquired trousers. It was amazing how much you could fit into these things. They were like Mary Poppins’ bag, the deeper you seemed to go the more you would find.

I was fresh out of school. Not the one that my parents had wished and dreamed of me attending, but It was the one I had wanted to go to from a very early age. From the first moment that I realised there was such a thing I had my heart set on going. I can still remember rushing home to show them that I had passed with flying colours “What a waste, you are going to have to get yourself a real job!” was the reply that I got from my father, but what did he know. I passed and I was going to be the best that I could be.

I had now noticed that all my rummaging and panicking had drawn the attention of passers by in the ever-populating streets.

“Look mummy,” a little girl in a pink dress said pointing towards me.

“Yes dear, that’s wonderful,” as she pulled her daughter with one hand whilst using her phone with the other. Not taking a blind bit of notice of her daughters’ excitement.

Beads of sweat had started to form along my forehead, but I resisted the temptation to wipe them away. It had taken me long enough to apply this make up and the last thing I needed was it smudged across my face. I had neither the time nor place to re-apply it.

Then I found it, I had jotted it down on some bright green tissue paper. I can remember thinking to myself at the time maybe this was not the best thing to be using just as the pen tore through it, but it was all I had to hand at the time. The building was four streets away, I could run wouldn’t take too long. I kept in shape; I could run that in no time…. then again not in these shoes

I managed to make out the directions that I had written down. My handwriting had never been one of my strong points. To be fair the tears in the paper didn’t aid me much either. The poorly marked down directions took me down a dirty trash ridden back street, far away from the hustle and bustle of the commuter world.

As I stood outside a pub called The Black Tavern, I took in my surroundings “this can’t be right?” I thought to myself “this can’t be it?”, but this is where it said to go. I then clocked it, a sign on the wall pointing down the stairs which read

The Society of Smiley Faces this way

Again, that’s what I had down on the paper. “Then this must be it,” I said out loud. Wow the day had really started to get to me I had resorted to talking to myself.

The stairs led me to a dark door with frosted glass in the middle. It appeared that a sign had once been there but had now been almost scratched away. I went to turn the door handle and then stopped myself, I was brought up better than this! I took a few deep breaths, knocked on the door and waited….and then waited some more. I knocked again.

“Yes, come in!” came a deep grumpy voice from the other side. This shot my nerves and anxiety into overdrive. Another couple of deep breathes and I opened the door and was met with a wall of smoke as I entered the room. It felt like something out of stars in your eyes.

“No, it was hell! Thirty screaming six-year olds and Jill here never turned up, so I was on my own to finish the job!” came the conversation that was going on as I made my way through the smoke.

“You the new guy?” said a man now standing in front of me. With bright red hair, white face, big red lips and baggy trousers being held up by braces.

“Yes…well I take it I am” my eyes slightly starting to water, but once again doing my best not to wipe

“Your late! Should have been here twenty minutes ago!” Stirring a cup of coffee in a plastic cup with a half-smoked cigarette hanging from his mouth

“I’m sorry I had car trouble. It exploded on me,” I replied

“Oh, very funny,” he said walking away “very eighties,”

The room was small and dingy. I wasn’t quite sure if there was brown wallpaper on the walls or if it was just years of grounded in dirt and smoke that covered them. The conversation I had heard when I first walked in was from three other clowns of various disguises, sat around a circular table in the middle of the floor.

“I hear you got an exploding car” noticing it to be the same voice as I had heard when I first walked in. It belonged to a rather large and extremely loud man. Equipped with yellow hair, red nose and a mixture of face paint.

“Oh no I just meant I had car….” Is what I had tried my best to reply with before I was cut off

“Yeah a bit over the top that. I would probably leave that to those circus guys” he replied sternly “Been in this game a long time keep it simple that’s my advice. The little shits love that, easier to get the job done”

He leaned over and offered out a hand “The names Jake” as I returned the handshake. A sharp quick buzzing sensation vibrated into the inside of my hand. I quickly removed my hand inspecting my palm “See hand buzzer” raising his palm towards me “Keep it simple…want to smell the flower?” raising up his jacket to expose a big blue flower

“No, I’m good thanks” I replied

“Now your getting it” he said

“Let me give you the tour” he said pointing to the corner of the room “the rocket fuel is over there, tea, coffee whatever your poison is. There is milk in the fridge, but I’ve never seen anyone change it. My advice is stay well clear you’ll probably live longer,”

“Ok thanks good to know” I said and by the look at the state of the table and fridge they had not seen a cloth in quite some time.

“The door next to that is the toilet…again my advice stay well clear” his arm quickly swinging to the other corner of the room “That’s the office and over there” now pointing to the corner opposite the office “Is the Tv and comfy chairs, but I probably wouldn’t sit on them”

“Ok thanks” I replied.

“Oh yeah and the Tv doesn’t work, but its something to point the furniture towards”

And that was it the whole tour done in about thirty seconds and he didn’t even leave his seat.

His attention now turned towards the table they were sat at “Opposite me here with the orange hair and wearing the ridiculous little hat is Donny”

“Hey, the kids love this hat” Donny quickly replied

“And the lady here with the multi coloured hair and big bow is Jill” silence fell around the room. With the wig pulled down and all the make up it was hard to tell if she was awake…alive even.

“Jill!!!!” Jakes booming voice echoing around the room.

A loud snort and cough came out followed by “Please stop crying little girl” as Jill sat up and looked around the room “What…. What is it?

“It’s the newbie” Jake replied.

Jill slumped back into her chair “The coffee and…...” pointing over to the corner as her eyes began to close once more.

“Yes, I’ve already done that…. go back to sleep. As you can tell she’s quite the charmer and there’s Bill over there who you’ve already met”

I walked over to the table to sit down. Cursing as I kicked everything in sight with my overly large feet “Sorry” I said as I just missed Donny

“You went with the big feet hey. Yeah, I made that mistake. You’ll soon learn” Donny added

“Why what’s wrong with the big feet?” I asked

Jake leaned forward “Besides kicking everything in sight. Not much with the younger ones…...but get some older kids. The I’m too old for clowns” he added “And then you got problems. They will stand on them and try there best to push you over…. Also, not best for when you got to get away sharpish. If you know what I mean” giving me a little wink

“Really? Ok thanks good to know” I replied

“Like I said kid. Keep it simple. Keep your eyes on the prize. You don’t need unnecessary distractions”

“And that’s what you get for lowering yourself to be nothing more than a kids plaything and not a professional” came the French posh sounding voice from the man dressed as mime now standing by the door

“Oh yeah and this is Claude” Jake said “He thinks he’s above us mere clowns and the way we work. He does all the groundwork. He’s the great street entertainer”

“How dare you sir! You absolute buffoon. I am no street entertainer, I am an artist, a professional” Claude replied getting ever louder.

“Of course, you are” Jake replied in his not so delicate voice. The voices grew louder in the room as the conversation intensified along with Jills snoring.

“That’s enough!” a little balding man emerging from the office called out “What have I said about all the noise” placing a blue folder and a brown wooden box down upon the table “I see you have all met Paul. That’s good saves time with the introductions” his attention now turns towards me “Paul good to meet you. I’m Jerry. There’s coffee and….” Pointing to the corner.

“Yes, we have already done that” Jake said cutting Jerry off in his stride.

“That’s good then saves me more time” the little man snapping back “Will somebody wake her up” Pointing in Jills direction as Donny leans across and gives her a little nudge “Her snoring is giving me a headache!”

Jill lets out another little snort and sits upright in her chair looking all around the table “What…what is it?” she said mumbling away

“You ok there sleeping beauty” Jerry asked pulling out his chair and joining them at the table “right let’s get down to business…. Donny! Another complaint about you hitting the kids and drinking the alcohol.”

“They were pushing my hat and you know well…it was very upsetting, so I had a little drink…just to calm me down” he said smiling away.

“Look I’ve told you before. Your there to do a job. Get it done and get out. It’s that simple…. understand?”

“Yeah…yeah” Donny replied.

“Right let’s get this sorted” Jerry said removing a sheet of paper from the folder and sliding it across to Donny “Donny, you and Jill you are at Archer road”

“Oh, come on thirteen-year olds party. I did the last one…. Really come on” replied Donny scanning the paper in front of him.

“Yes, really and Donny no messing about”

“Thirteen-year olds! I can’t promise anything” Donny replied.

“Your contact is Mr. Hader. No messing around, get there, get it done and get out…. Ok!”

“Jake you are taking the new kid” removing another sheet of paper and sliding it across to Jake.

“Just follow my lead kid and I’ll show you how its done” picking up the piece of paper

“You two are off to Manor Close” Jerry said

“Nice…homes to the rich and famous” Jake added

“Your contact is Mr. Wylie. It’s a big party, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find him” Jerrys attention now turning to all at the table “Now remember people we are professionals, let’s act like it and get the job done,”

Jerry slid the brown box across to me “This is for you kid welcome to the team……Claude and Bill come with me” getting up from the table and heading for the office. On top of the box was a picture of a clown with the words The Society of Smiley Faces going around the clown’s face. I lifted the lid and inside neatly placed within foam was two bottles of poison, Three small knives, a silencer and one pistol along with a loaded magazine. I removed the pistol from its foamy bed, slid the magazine in, cocked it and held it out straight in front of me.

“Like I said kid keep it simple” said Jake getting up from the table “Let’s go to work”

Oh yeah, I’m sorry did I forget to mention. I also happen to kill people for a living. Yes, that’s right I’m a clown. I have funny coloured hair, a squeaky nose and big feet. I know how to do forty-two different magic tricks and make twenty-two different objects out of balloons, but if your name happens to pop up on my list, then I’m more than capable of killing you with just my thumb.