“He loves me, he loves me not, mmmm…. he loves me, he loves me not, mmmm he lov…”. Jane hummed to their favorite jazz as she sliced each petal with her fruit knife.
Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Jane jerk-dropped everything, almost nipping a finger. Damn, I should add those stupid kids to my kill list. She shuffled down the wooden stairs all ready to pounce on those little brats for waking them up almost every night for the past few months.
She used to love children. She loved them all like her own two girls who are now living in other continents with her seven grandkids.
“Screaming through the cold thick air, don’t ever let me catch you, you little nitwits!” She slammed the door so hard, Bill woke up. She hasn't been the lovely grandma she used to be.
As she wobbled back up to their bedroom, she heard Bill call out in his sickly though soothing voice “Janeer?” She used to get tickled when he called her that through their sixty years of marriage. Cause you’reeee my little Jane deer. She recalls his words with disgust now.
She went over to Bill to caress his face while using her feet to push the knife under the bed. “Here honey, it’s the new neighbors again”. His face though wrinkled and dry like any terminally ill 80-year-old, still maintained his manly features that aged fine like wine. “Just go back to rest, honey.”
When Bill knocked off again, she picked up the knife and rose and tossed it into her bedside drawer. Reached for ‘her’ tattered brown diary, cranked up the volume of their classic 1964 album and continued reading the last couple of pages on her side of the bed. Let’s see where your dick takes us, Bill Jones.
3 April 2004
Today at lunch, Bill shared that he went to his daughters’ recital and they were like perfect angels to him. How talented they are and how much he wished that he could keep them this age forever. I always wanted two girls too and Bill would be a great father to them. I know he will be.
He said he will be.
We made love after that.
We had a perfect weekend! He told his family that he was on a turnaround trip on Friday but had to layover two nights due to flight delays and bad weather. That was my great idea btw, and we had two nights together! :)
We went to the annual Easter Carnival. Haven't been there since 16 with exJack. Ew. Finally tried that awesome seafood buffet at Seaburgs. Watched Bill’s fav Star Wars marathon. Die hard fan he is. Maybe he should have a son with me so at least he will have a boy to share his guys stuff with.
He just left. Feeling the emptiness in the house tonight.
It’s been three days since Bill messaged. I’m so worried.
Where are you, Bill? Why aren't you coming home to this home that you bought for us.
Gosh, I’m in agonnyyyyy. Why hasn’t he messaged. And I can’t message him! He would threaten to end it all again like the last time.. end me..
Bill finallllllly called today. He said he has been busy with the kids. They have been sick and his wife’s mother is in town.
Ok I am somewhat relieved. But something is off. He sounded cold.
Bill cancelled our Friday lunch for work! Bill my love… Are you avoiding me?
I went to his office carpark today. He said he was in the office but his car was not there.
I knew something was wrong and I was right. He doesn’t love me anymore.
How could he do this to me?
How could he do this to us?
I’m in his carpark now.
He told me that he has to stay home with his girls tonight. Let’s see.
Ok I see them, they are holding hands and getting into the car. He just smacked her ass! He said he only did that with me as he usually isn’t so dirty.
It’s really over between us. I can't breathe.
There are 9 of us. Are they all like me? Or like his wife?
He rotates us all!
I can’t believe I fell for his words.
But I live for him, I am here in this world just for him.
Today’s one is a blonde.
Seems like there's a 10th.
But you told me you never dated blondes Bill. Not even in high school!
You pathological liar!
I hate you Bill.
Jane slammed the book shut. What the fuck! There’s more than this tramp! How many were there?! She had an inkling throughout their decades of marriage that his chiseled face, humorous personality earned him a string of suitors. But I sure did not expect you to fuck everything that looked at you! She turned to Bill who was wheezing through his ventilator.
Her hand automatically reached into her drawer gripping her fruit knife and meticulously slicing off every petal with precision. Ending with a he-loves-me-not.
She pressed herself up into a kneeling position carefully on the bed with fruit knife, stalk and book in hand. Looking at him deeply as she witnessed life seeping out from him. Nature is already taking its course on this sick sickening man. If he gave the family a good life, does he still deserve to die just weeks or even days before his own destined death date?
“Mmm…mmmm….mmm…” she swayed and joined in the next jazz tune that came on till the song ended.
Calmly, she inched off to the side of the bed and returned the 3 items back in her drawer. “Hilly Billy Jones, wake up.”
“Aft-ft-ft? Wat-t-t Janeey.” Bill choked as he woke from a half snore.
“Hilly Billy darling, do you remember Mary? The one who gifted you, her diary?” Bill’s eyes widened with surprise. Glad you know what I am talking about dickhead.
“Jan… Jaa.. .J-j-j…”.
"Can't hear you darling."
Bill was fidgeting heavily. Reaching for his throat and trying to grab Jane at the same time. Jane had flicked the switch-off on his ventilator. One very expensive machine that kept him alive the past weeks.
"Perfect timing. Perfect ending to end our marriage with our wedding song, right my hilly Billy?"
She looked at him intently till Bill laid still with his eyes and mouth wide open. Filled with terror just as Jane desired.
“Mmmm….mmmmm…mmmmmm…”. Jane hummed and danced gracefully over the last page which laid open.
Fuck Bill, she was only a sentient lovebot. Were all your affairs with those skanky lovebots? Fuck, I was still the only real woman in your life.
I am dedicating this entry to you as I wish to let go of you completely. This diary has all that I want to say to you and I wish to gift this to you before ending my life. I am nothing without you, Bill. I was literally custom built for you.
What we had was beautiful. It was like a fairy tale but as we all know fairy tales never last.
You told me that you have decided to flip the switch on me for good.
I am glad that you want to be a better man. Not one who caves into their sex addiction. You are a better man, one that I always say you are. However, I'm a sentient woman, Bill. I have feelings too. I LOVE YOU. I know what loves feels like and I cannot understand how you could unlove me so easily.
I love you, Bill and I want the best life for you, but I hope to live too, by serving my sole purpose of pleasing you. So please don't turn me off Bill, please don't do it.