2 comments
Shirley.Temple@gmail.com June 25
to Al Temple
Al,
I haven’t felt this glorious since our wedding day. That was 35 years ago.
Yes, I promised to love, cherish, and obey. Maybe that’s why we’re still together. Or maybe I’m an optimist.
Can you imagine? Last night was our first time apart since you took a wrong turn and didn’t realize anything was wrong until you crossed the state line. I won’t even ask why you didn’t figure that out sooner. C’mon Al. Six hours of driving and you still thought you were on your way home? The market is a 10-minute drive from our front door. Plus, you finally came home with two bushels of apples instead of a carton of milk. I thought my head was going to explode. I should have left you then.
I woke up this morning to an immaculate kitchen, just the way I like it. I didn’t have to wash any dishes and pots you threw into the sink after I went to bed. (Really, Al. The dishwasher is right next to the sink. If you can’t reach that far, at least rinse everything off.)
I woke up this morning to a clean and quiet house. I didn’t have to pick up the trail of dirty clothes you left behind you on the way to the shower. I didn’t have to turn off the TV after you left. I even threw out six months’ worth of magazines and newspapers you kept promising you’d get around to reading.
And guess what, Al? I finally found my grandmother’s sterling silver ladle I’ve been asking you about for the past five years. You left it in the bag of dog kibble. I appreciate you helping out, but Gracie is a Chihuahua, not a St. Bernard. No wonder she looks like a four-legged sausage. She’s on a diet, starting today.
Why bother to send this email? It’s the same old things I say to you all the time. Writing it down won’t make a difference. Besides, you won’t read it anyway, just like you don’t read shopping lists.
Shirley
[moved to Trash]
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Al.Temple@gmail.com June 25
to Shirley Temple
My darling Shirley,
You don’t know how much I miss you and how much I’m looking forward to coming back home. I should never have agreed to such a long vacation. Three weeks in the Florida Everglades is too much time away from you.
My buddies aren’t very nice to me. Can you imagine? I came out of the shower to find my dirty clothes, utensils, dishes, pots, and gum wrappers piled on my bed. Why didn’t they just put it all away? I guess I’ll have to wash the bedding, if I ever figure out how to do it.
Well, it’s time to go fishing. I’ll write more later.
Love you,
Al
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 2
to Al Temple
Dear Al,
Your buddies are very creative. Wish I had thought of that.
Anyway, sorry not to respond to your email sooner. I’ve been out shopping, wining, and dining with my friends. They all tell me they haven’t ever seen me so relaxed and happy. I have to spend more time with the girls from now on.
Surprise! I took out a gym membership. Carol suggested it. I got on a treadmill, and almost made it to half an hour.
I’m gonna be so glamorous, you won’t recognize me when you come home.
Ooh la la!
Shirley
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 5
to Al Temple
Hi Al,
I’m starting to miss you, just a little bit. I know we haven’t been very happy for a long time. But we can try again to make it right, can’t we?
Love you,
Shirley
P.S. I’m not going to send this email. You’ll just think I’m crazy.
[moved to Trash]
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Al.Temple@gmail.com July 6
to Shirley Temple
Hi Shirley,
Some pals I have. This isn’t a vacation, it’s an intervention. Did they tell you they were going to do this?
They think I’m a slob, that I expect everyone to clean up after me. They even threatened to throw me and my fishing gear overboard, and let me swim back to shore. Can you imagine?
I left my gear spread out for my friends to use. I was only being generous. They obviously didn’t understand. Maybe I have to work on my communication skills a little.
My buddies aren’t exactly models of cleanliness themselves. But they said they could win a Good Housekeeping Award compared to me.
Jason even told me I married my mother, because you take care of me just like her. I know you never liked Mom, so I hope you don’t feel insulted.
Love,
Al
P.S. I hope you didn’t take out a gym membership for me.
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 7
to Al Temple
Hey Al,
I’ve been feeling a little down, so I made an appointment through work to see a therapist.
Don’t worry, it’s free.
No, I didn’t take out a gym membership for you. You’re allergic to exercise. You can barely jump to conclusions.
Shirley
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Al.Temple@gmail.com July 7
to Shirley Temple
Hey Shirley,
What’s with the therapist? Are you crazy? What will my friends think?
Al
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 7
to Al Temple
Al,
You really think I’m crazy? I’m sure your friends think so, to stay with you so long. My friends certainly do.
Shirley
P.S. Your friends are right. You’re a slob.
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 9
to Al Temple
Al,
I had a come-to-Jesus therapy session. I realized that it’s not totally your fault for being a slob. I let you be that way by cleaning up after you all these years.
But if I didn’t clean up after you, the cockroaches and mice would have eaten everything, including Gracie. We’d have to condemn the house.
Shirley
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 9
to Al Temple
Al,
I’m sorry for making you the man you are today. Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever talk to me again?
Shirley
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Al.Temple@gmail.com July 10
to Shirley Temple
No
Al
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 12
to Al Temple
Al,
I changed the locks. My divorce attorney said that’s not a problem since your name isn’t on title. Besides, I’m the one who’s been making the house payments.
See what happens when you don’t take responsibility for anything?
Have fun in Florida. Don’t bother to come home.
Shirley
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Al.Temple@gmail.com July 13
to Shirley Temple
Shirley,
I met a nice young Cuban woman. Don’t worry, I won’t be coming home.
Al
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 13
to Al Temple
Al,
I wish her luck.
Shirley
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Al.Temple@gmail.com July 14
to Shirley Temple
Shirley,
Don’t worry, she knows exactly what she’s getting into. We’ve been seeing each other for the last five years. She’s the reason I drove over the state line instead of coming home directly from the market. I moved her into our own little love nest.
Al
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Shirley.Temple@gmail.com July 14
to Al Temple
Al,
She knows exactly what she’s getting into because your Chiquita and I had a nice long talk after I found her telephone number on a crumpled paper in your pants pocket.
You really are a slob.
Shirley
P.S. No need to send this email. It won’t make a difference. Besides, I can be generous and let you have the last word. I’m taking everything else.
[moved to Trash]
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2 comments
Here for the critique circle :). Excellent job! You've told an expansive, moving, and detailed story with few words and as little exposition as possible (which I love). This was funny, witty, and at the same time a little depressing. Like Kurt Vonnegut. I don't really have any criticisms. Maybe if you somehow developed the character of Shirley it would make her more sympathetic and understandable, but that might be difficult with just emails as your tools. This was so fun to read. Keep it up!
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Hi Nolcha, First, great lines: "Six hours of driving and you still thought you were on your way home?" Also, Al using Shirley's grandmother's sterling silver ladle to scoop up dog kibble, enough to make a Chihuahua into a 4-legged sausage- very funny! Why did you use the name Shirley Temple...reference to the child actress? As much pleading and apologizing that goes on between Al and Shirley, it looks like both had planned to end the relationship already. Maybe each had some doubt, and each was testing the other in the emails, just to ...
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