Pending Try

"Okay, i accept the dare" I tell Lucia as we speak to each other in one of th dreams thai haunt me every night. "Will you at least try?" she asks me. "i will" I am on the roof of her house, five years have passed since I submerged; So deep and so dark I never thought I could get out We started with cigarettes, come on, we were sixteen years old; And living in Mexico has always been a paradise of debauchery for us curious young people. Beside me: Sofia, Lucia's sister, a singer from Mexico City with a bittersweet past and the veil of tragedy before her eyes. The same veil that covers his eyes covers my frontal lobe, my actions are directly linked to his departure. And although I try to clarify my vision, I can't and finally I give up. "Tell me, tell me every detail in detail. I need to know, I have the right" Sofia insistently claims me. "I'm not ready" I answer as I feel the vibration in the pit of my stomach typical of the severe anxiety that has been haunting me for the last decade of my short life "it hurts". The city environment surrounds our body shape and covers us with distant sound and dry cold, that cold that slides through your skin and penetrates your throat. She is wearing a red dress and a black jacket that covers her from shoulders to knees, me, completely black. She looks at me with a blank face, but her cigarette gives her away, her hand rings slightly as she takes a deep drag "I know, I know the feeling, she was my sister" her dark circles denote fatigue, the night shows and the constant interviews. She shakes her head with empathy and a hint of irritability "Christ" looks me in the eye and approaches my chest, her gaze penetrates me, scrapes my core making it bleed "I can't leave today, not without knowing, not again. I need to know what exactly happened " "Good" I reply harshly. And while I let my sight get lost inside the tall buildings of the Mexican capital, my brain orders my mouth cords to play a melody as sweet as it is horrifying, the melody of a loved one and her inevitable and fatal destiny, a destiny that would resonate in the deep to all the people who were once touched by her hands, seen by her eyes ... scolded by her words, or dazzled by her beauty. We sat on the floor next to each other and I began to sing: We met in June, we were fifteen years old, just out of puberty, we were eagerly seeking to ignite a spark within our being that was appeased by our now vanished innocence. I had already heard about her from other friends we had in common. That sunset on the Oaxacan coast, in our beautiful zicatela, which would unite our trails and then break them abruptly. While the light covered everything it touched with gold, I watched her with a hint of wonder within my pupils; that together we would observe to expand on multiple occasions in order to appease our inner pain, our afflictions. And in a moment the gaze became mutual, reciprocated. That day she gave a wick to a candle that no one had ever been able to even see inside me, and with a single word we would establish a friendship that would defy the laws of the carnal and the physical, that would go beyond the earthly and would become ethereal , ambiguous; and even so, more intense than the solar flares forecast for that summer. And just as we immerse ourselves together in the world of what is shared and accompanied, likewise we delve into the depths of our own psyche, the introspective; the truly terrifying, yes, that which you seek to cage and never let go free, that which feeds on your entrails and enjoys the salty of your tears. First were the dried herbs, tobacco, marijuana and the long hours around a circle surrounded by our friends while we filled our young lungs with thc and fumes from different sources. We all had problems with ourselves and before us, wounds without healing; or scars that embarrassed us, and yet we stayed together; holding each other to avoid falling into the well. To all this we must add the beautiful environment that surrounded us and the paradisiacal settings of our beautiful home; as well as the golden light radiated by that magnificent entity that provides us with life. Sun. Everything got worse the day I started questioning my sexuality, I was confused and scared. I hated just thinking that I would no longer feel the same for you now that I doubted myself. She was observing the various abdomens that our mutual friends' faces wore, and she knew it, she felt it; and it hurt. That night we established a connection, a conversation; and we promised that we would support each other no matter what happened. That same night she pierced her left arm with a syringe full of cheap heroin that she had obtained with a colleague from the city of Oaxaca, behind my back. we did everything we could, put her in the car and took her to the hospital. Catalina, her mother, wept with anguish and panic; and my throat had closed, my heart was threatening to burst my chest, and my whole body was throbbing gently. That night something died in me, even after she did, officially. I could not do anything. and for that I ask for forgiveness. Sofia watches me, her cigarette has been consumed by the soft cold wind that caresses our face and hair "Something died, and something was born" he tells me looking into my eyes. "I wouldn't be where we are if it weren't for what life has made us feel" I look at the sky, the golden light has shone again. "Do you forgive yourself?" Sophia, Lucia's sister asks me "Because I can't do it ... I have no right to forgive you for something you are not guilty of, so do you forgive yourself?" And while the gold irradiated by the sun that little by little submerges in the horizon, the words come out of my mouth: "Yes, yes I forgive myself"