20 comments

Crime Friendship Drama

Ever since my little sister, Adila, could speak she never told a lie. Now I know what you’re thinking, that’s not possible, no one can be that honest, I know it may be hard to believe but my sister always spoke the truth, good or bad. No one knows why I’ve tried getting her to lie, but it’s no use she just won’t lie. All I’ve ever gotten her to do was say a half-truth. It used to be small things, like who ate the last cookie, and who broke the chair. But now she’s really done it, let me explain. 

A couple of weeks ago Adila wanted to go to a party with her friends, but since our parents would be out of town they didn’t want her going out alone and since I had homework to do so I couldn’t go either. She was not very happy, when they told her that she stormed off to her room and stayed there for the rest of the day.

But the next day she acted as if nothing had happened. This was odd, I had thought. After our parents had left Adila went back to her room, I guessed she went in there to mope so I went into my room and started a History assignment. 

I heard voices coming from outside my door, assuming it was Adila talking on the phone I got up to tell her to be quiet. I was about to turn the handle of the door when I heard what she was saying. 

“Don’t worry Stacy, I’ll be there.” Adila was saying, Stacy was her best friend as well as the location of the party. My eyes widened, she was going to sneak out to the party! I opened the door and she almost dropped her phone in surprise. She looked like she was ready for a night out, she took one of mum’s dresses, which was emerald green, and her makeup was flawless. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” I asked, furiously, my gray eyes flashing as they always did when I was upset. 

“Oh uh…” she started nervously. “I-I was just going to sneak out to go to that party.”. 


“I’m not letting you go.” 


“You don’t understand! I have to be there.” she said despairingly.


“What’s so important that you have to go?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest. She stood there, thinking of an answer. 


“She needs me...” Adila said lamely. I rolled my eyes. 


“I’m not letting you leave this house.” I said stubbornly. I heard Stacy say something on the phone but Adila just hung up. She turned her reddening face to my already quite red one. 

 “You can’t stop me.” with that she turned and walked into her room. I was about to follow when she reappeared with a jar of peanut butter, all of the color drained from my face. 

See, peanut butter was banned in my house ever since we found out I was highly allergic to peanuts. 

“Why do you have that?” I asked, backing away. 


“I’ll open this if you get in my way.” She waved the jar threateningly at me. My heart dropped. 


“Y-you won’t.” I gulped.


“I would.” Adila growled. Something else must be going on at the party, she wouldn’t really want to hurt me… just to go to a party. 

“Adila, listen to me,” I started calmly, my face still very pale. “Please lower the jar, what’s really going on?” Adila’s hand shook a little, as if deciding what to do. Slowly she lowered the jar and looked defeated. I put my arm around her shoulder and guided her to the couch and sat her down. Iggy jumped up and curled up in Adila’s lap, Iggy was our Boston Terrier puppy mix. 

“I-I’m sorry about doing this Gabbie.” Adila muttered, raising the jar and opening the lid. Hands pushed me down and before I knew it, I was coughing. It felt like someone was sucking all the air out of the room, I could feel my tongue start to swell and my vision blurred. I heard the door slam shut, she had gone. I tried to stand but my legs were like jelly, my phone was on the floor next to me I grabbed it and texted one word to my friend Tommy, Help. Then I blacked out. 

Why is my face wet? Was the first thought that came to mind when I came around. A large, pink tongue was moving across my face. 

“Gross, Iggy stop.” I groaned, but this just made him lap more excitedly. I heard a strange pounding sound, which I thought was just in my head. Then I heard someone shouting. This confused me for a moment then I realized it must’ve been Tommy. I hoisted myself onto weak legs, which shook dangerously. I managed to walk over to the door and pulled it open. 

It was lucky Tommy was standing outside the door because my legs weren’t going to hold much longer. He caught me and half carried half dragged me over to the couch. 

“Adila, s-she left. I need to stop her.” I tried to stand up, but fell back on the couch.

“Easy there Gabbie, what’s wrong?” Tommy asked, a panicked look on his face. Slowly I started telling him what had happened. 

“Hand me my purse will you?” I added, he nodded. He came back with my pink purse, I thanked him and opened it hastily and retrieved my EpiPen. I jammed it into my thigh, relief flowed through me, my head became less clouded and my vision slowly cleared. 

“That’s so much better, thanks.” I said, pushing my damp brown hair out of my eyes. 

“So what are we going to do about Adila?” Tommy asked, concern filling his brilliant blue eyes.  

“All I know is she went to Stacy’s house and she took the only other car we have.” I said.  “You don’t have a car do you?” I added as an afterthought. Tommy shook his head and said, “No, I only have a learners permit and my parents won’t let me use their car anyways.” I thought hard of what to do, then it came to me. 

“Do you know if Stacy’s parents are out?” I asked quietly. 

“I think they went out on business…” Tommy said, understanding dawning on his face. 

“We need to go now.” I stood up and got my shoes on then turned towards Tommy and beckoned him to follow me. 

Soon we were running up Stacy’s driveway which was full of cars and loud, booming music. Tommy looked sideways at me, I nodded, though I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that this party wasn’t all so innocent. 

We crept over to an open window and laughter floated out. It smelled highly of liquor and cigar smoke, I wrinkled my nose in disgust. I craned my neck, searching for Adila. 

Tommy tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the corner of the room. There I saw Adila flirting with a guy, she had a beer bottle in her hand. Now I was practically fuming with anger. She was only 15! I had to get there and get her out of there.

“We need to find a way in.” I told Tommy in a hushed voice. He nodded as we crept around to the back of the house. From outside, I could hear the booming music that made my head throb. Tommy and I slowly pushed open the backdoor. It was unlocked! I took a deep breath as I urged Tommy forward. As we stepped inside, the music was unbelievably loud, making it impossible to hear your own thoughts. The room was so crowded I was worried I’d lose Tommy so I grabbed his hand and held it tight. I covered my nose from the smell of sweaty bodies and Jungle juice.

After lot’s of pulling and pushing I finally spotted a flash of the familiar emerald green. As I whipped her around, Adila nearly dropped her cup. I scowled and snatched it out of her hand as she scowled. She looked shocked to see me, but I could tell she wasn’t herself.

“We’re going home!” I shouted, still holding tight to Tommy’s hand. 

“You silly goose monkey I’m not going anywhere.” her words were slurred, she must’ve been drunk. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her forcefully through the crowd, disposing of the alcohol. My nose stung from the mixed smell of strong liquor and cigars. 

At last we reached the outside, I breathed in deeply. Letting go of Tommy’s hand, though I wouldn't have minded holding on for a while longer. 

“We are going home.” I said, turning on Adila, who was tugging furiously, trying to escape my grasp. Tommy grabbed her other wrist and together we hauled her home. 


We were only a few blocks away from the house when she broke free from our grip. She started running clumsily towards the street. Cars were moving down the street and if she wasn’t careful she’d get hurt. 

“No! Wait! Adila come back!” I cried, but it was no use, she was already at the edge. I ran after her, she was in the street now. Heart pounding I raced to her side and started to pull her away from the street, but to no avail. Adila’s legs gave way and she slumped to the ground. Tommy was screaming from somewhere behind me but I couldn’t make out words. Bright dots were coming closer with every passing second. I heaved and pulled but it was no use, we weren’t moving, I braced for impact. 

I was lying, unmoving on the pavement, a terrible stinging on my left arm and I felt something oozing on my head. Things seemed to happen in slow motion, I turned my head to my right and I saw Tommy running towards me, on my left I saw Adila lying, seemingly unhurt, but unconscious. 

“Gabbie? Gabbie are you ok?” I could hear Tommy saying, I couldn’t find the strength to move my mouth to form words. I made a semi-grunt, this must’ve been good enough for Tommy as he let out a sigh of relief. Then he did something I would have never expected, he bent down and kissed me. My weary lips formed a smile as he drew himself back up. I quickly buried my head in his jacket as he held me close. I heard sirens coming closer. I closed my eyes hoping my sister would be okay, despite it was her who put us in this situation. 

I felt myself being lifted onto a stretcher and loaded into the ambulance. I shut my eyes at the suddenness of the bright light. I felt the paramedics taking my vitals. At some point I had managed to fall asleep. 

I was lying on a soft bed, my left arm felt heavy. When I looked down I saw that it was heavily bandaged. Looking around I realized I was in a hospital. My parents were sitting next to me, looking tense, Tommy standing behind them. 

“W-where’s Adila?” I asked, my voice weak. My heart sank when I saw their faces. 

“Well, the car hit her hard, she wasn’t injured but she suffered from a serious concussion and now she’s in a coma and we don’t know when she’ll wake.” my mother reported sadly, I noticed her soft brown eyes were red around the edges. I could feel my eyes watering, I knew this wasn’t my fault but I was scared and worried. 

When I was well enough to leave my room I went to visit Adila. She was laying there, unconscious, the beeps of the machines were patronizing. Tears started to leak down my face, I turned away from my sister and Tommy held me and gave me a comforting squeeze. Time passed slowly as I waited for Adila to wake up. I felt like I was from a different world, different time. The only comfort to me was Tommy, he was always there for me which I greatly appreciated. 

I had refrained from telling my parents exactly how we had gotten in that position. I had an uneasy feeling that Adila would tell them no matter how hard she tried not to, she would get into loads of trouble. I just wanted my sister back. 

Stacy was just making things worse, she kept saying it was my fault that Adila was in a coma and I shouldn’t have taken her from the party. She said this for about the hundredth time during lunch loudly from the table next to mine when I finally snapped. 

“Stop saying that! You’re the one who convinced her to go!!? She wouldn’t be in this situation if it weren’t for you!” I screamed, tears stinging my eyes. 

“Y-you didn’t have to come and take her away! She was having a great time!” Stacy screamed back. 

“You call getting hit by a car a great time?!!” I cried, tears streaming down my face. "I-I…" Stacy stuttered, I didn't want to hear the rest of what she had to say. I left the cafeteria crying. I had to get out, because of her I didn’t know what would happen to my sister. After that incident Stacy didn’t say anything to me, nor did she ever visit Adila. 

I was sitting in the chair next to Adila’s lifeless body when I thought I saw her hand move slightly, I thought it was nothing and went back to the book I was reading. Then I noticed her eyes flutter open. I stood up, knocking the book to the ground. I couldn’t believe it, my sister was finally awake, after all of the waiting. I scrambled out the door calling for a doctor. Soon my sister was surrounded with nurses and doctors. I stepped outside and called my parents, letting them know what happened. 

I waited outside, pacing back and forth, waiting to hear news. My parents came running up the hall. Just then a nurse came out the door. 

“Looks like Adila came out of her coma.” she announced and I couldn’t stop grinning broadly. 

“C-can we go see her?” I asked, my voice shaking slightly. The nurse nodded, I could barely contain my excitement to see my sister again. I rushed into the room, which was slightly crowded with all the doctors and machinery around her bed. I managed to push my way to the edge of the bed.

I was ecstatic, lying there, pale and breathing hard, was my sister alive and awake. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my heart. Before I knew it tears were rolling down my cheeks as I stared into her face, it was sunken and an empty look in her eyes. I hadn’t even noticed my parents enter behind me.

“H-hey sis.” Adila said weakly. 

“Hey.” I said, hugging her, it was a bit awkward as she was lying flat on her bed. When I looked around at my parents I was surprised to see my father looking stone faced at Adila. She had noticed too. 

“We need to talk.” my dad said potently, his voice matching the look on his face. 


“What about?” Adila asked, shifting uncomfortably.


“Nothing in particular, but we need Gabbie to leave for a moment.” he said, turning to look me in the eye. I didn’t want to leave my sister as I had just gotten her back, but reluctantly I got up and left the room. 

Not wanting to wait around I decided to get food for Adila’s from her favorite fast food restaurant, Munch Burger. There was one near the hospital walking distance. I ordered Adila’s favorite burger and got her a drink as well. 

When I got back to her hospital room my parents and the doctors were no longer there, but sitting upright, staring at her hands. I set the food on the side table and sat at the foot of the bed. 

“Is everything alright?” I asked softly, Adila shook her head slowly. “Do you want to tell me?” she nodded, taking a shuddering breath. 

“W-when you left m-mom and d-dad asked w-what happened the night w-we got hit.” she paused, taking another shuddering breath and continued. “I-I told them as much as I could remember, they weren’t too happy about it. And now that I think about it I feel really bad about what I did that night. I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt, Stacy threatened to post embarrassing things about me when I told her I couldn’t come. Mom and dad weren’t happy, I’m going to be in loads of trouble, but I deserve it. They’re going to tell Stacy’s parents of course.” she finished. I was shocked at what I heard and relieved that Adila was okay. 

“Look at you! You’re getting so big, I’m so proud of you Adila.” I said, Adila beamed. “Oh and I’ve gotten some Munch Burger!” I held up the bag. She eyed it hungrily as she took the bag.

"Thanks!" Adila said, beaming. We talked for a while after that, I filled her in on what she’s missed. She was simply thrilled when she found out about Tommy and I. Adila was able to come home after many tests. Adila’s punishment was extremely unpleasant, no texting, she lost her phone for a year, and the only way she could go out with friends was when she finished her homework. And they had her helping at the local food bank. I almost felt bad for her. Stacy and Adila are no longer friends, which I’m quite thankful for as I didn’t want my sister associating with someone so cruel. 

Adila’s now studying to become a doctor so she can help others. I’ve decided to become a police officer to help keep others safe. 


January 15, 2021 17:31

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

20 comments

Rajesh Patel
04:25 Jan 21, 2021

Hey Kay. I enjoyed your story. Well written.

Reply

Kay (:
06:38 Jan 21, 2021

Thanks!! (:

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Sjan Evardsson
00:18 Jan 19, 2021

I think there's a real kernel of a story here, but it could have been trimmed down to go deeper into the relationships between Adila, Gabbie and Tommy. Without having more insight into those relationships the key plot points have a diminished impact. By exploring the bond between Adila and Gabbie it could have been clearer and more jarring for the peanut butter incident to be grossly out of character. (Was it, or was this the sort of thing that happened often?) The expansion of the Gabbie/Tommy relationship could have laid the groundwork fo...

Reply

Kay (:
00:31 Jan 19, 2021

Thanks!! Yeah I would have but the word limit creeped across. You stay safe too!!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply

It wasn't all that bad. One thing that threw me off was this sentence: Stop saying that! You’re the one who convinced her to go!!? <<<< This punctuation is a bit confusing. Is it a question? Is it an exclamation? Also, towards the end, after her punishment is mentioned you added this sentence: And they had her helping at the local food bank. Who is they? If 'they' don't need to be described better, then maybe 'they' shouldn't be thrown in at they end. Other than that, it was pretty good and good use of descriptive language.

Reply

Kay (:
04:35 Jan 18, 2021

Thanks! Well 'they' is her parents, I should've made it more clear!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Kiara Silver
10:14 Jan 16, 2021

Wow! I really enjoyed it. Great job Makayla!

Reply

Kay (:
10:39 Jan 16, 2021

Thanks!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
H I
05:12 Feb 21, 2021

amazing good and touchig stoory

Reply

Show 0 replies
Raelynn Wei
00:09 Jan 21, 2021

Hey, Kay. I thought this had a good storyline/plot and it did a good job aligning facts and logic. However, there are a few puncuation and grammar issues that you might want to fix. Also I think some of the dialogue tags may have been a bit too intricate. Anyway, overall I thought this had a very well thought out and intricate plot. It would also be cool to see a sequel with Tommy and Gabbie. Good job! -Lillian

Reply

Kay (:
00:55 Jan 21, 2021

Thanks! You know, I may be able to do one with a prompt in February as it's around the time of love! I'll let you know if I do make one!

Reply

Raelynn Wei
02:09 Jan 21, 2021

Cool! I’ll look out for it.

Reply

Kay (:
17:03 Apr 29, 2022

Hey- I just found this haha I made two sequels with Gabbie and Tommy, only one has been posted, let me know if you want to read(:

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Hannah B
20:05 Jan 18, 2021

Hi! You asked me to take a look at your story and give some suggestions, so here ya go: The punctuation/grammar of dialogue is something that a lot of writers do incorrectly as is done here, but it's an easy fix. I'm not gonna go into the explanation here, but you can definitely use books you read as a place to start and to find what is wrong. Generally, for the plot, I think a lot happened in a short amount of time and a lot of relationships revealed/happening as well. I do like that it is fast paced and you wrap up the story, but with ev...

Reply

Kay (:
21:24 Jan 18, 2021

Thanks!!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
22:41 Jan 17, 2021

For starters, I read up on the Peanut allergy thing, unless she made her sister eat peanut butter, smelling it alone would not cause that type of reaction. If you wanted to add something like that, you needed to do your research. Second you need to break up conversations so that people know who is talking and not keep the whole conversation to one paragraph. As to scene transitioning, you need to work on that. I mean come on, where was Adila laying when she was in the coma? And no one is that honest, I don't care who you are. But hey i...

Reply

Kay (:
22:56 Jan 17, 2021

Also if you're really going to try and bring me down, good luck I've been hurt and bullied worse than this so bring it.

Reply

23:58 Jan 17, 2021

You think you are the only one. Look, I am done with you at this point. If I come across another of your stories, I might read it, but I was submitting a new one for this week. 4/5 not bad. Move on already.

Reply

Kay (:
00:04 Jan 18, 2021

Wow ugh whatever bye

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Kay (:
22:53 Jan 17, 2021

Look it's a story. I knew someone who if they were in the room with peanut butter they would have that type of reaction. I know the spacing is a bit sloppy but it's because I'm new to editing it here. Well you can't because I did, and it's called a story where anything is possible. Oh yeah come on just like you transitioned to the maid with the king since when did it say he came home? Where do you think she's laying?

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 2 replies