Friend, stranger ? Who knows

  I want to start off by saying, this is not a happy story. Not even close. Don't get your hopes up for something to end happily, from this experience nothing ever ends happily.

  It all started in ninth grade, Ms.Whites child development class. For years Hannah was bullied for many things, her weight, hair color, freckles, but most of all, for her quietness. She had no friends. No one would talk to her, most people would avoid her in the halls. 

  Fair warning guys I told you this would not be a happy story, for what comes next is a possible trigger for people *self harm, suicide, bullying* but that isn't the big picture here. 

    Hannah felt the need to cut into her arms for years. After she moved in with her father, away from all her friends and family she grew up with. The bullying began in her sixth grade year.  Some days it got too much for her to bare and she would sit in the tub almost nightly. Taking the rustled, old razor and begging the pain to stop. Telling herself she was ugly, fat and better off dead. 

   Many people at her school would tell her to go home and end it, that her sister would be happier, she felt it too, Hannah felt her sister hated her.  She would sit in the tub and want to just go deep enough to hit her vein, but she couldn't go through with it, she felt horrible just thinking of how hurt her mother would be, and her mom needed her. More than anyone would ever know. 

   Ninth grade year, school had started a few weeks ago and Mary told her she needed to become friends with Ann. Hannah and Ann shared child development together and she waited to even speak to Ann she didn't know what to say. What could she even say. 'Hey my sister Mary told me I had to be your friend' nope. Couldn't do that. Hannah was way too shy for that. 

  After a week of not speaking to Ann, one day Hannah received a note. 'Hey, I'm Mary's friend, she told me you and I would be good friends, and she threatened to jump on me if I didn't at least try to talk to you. You're her sister right?' Hannah replied back and said yeah she was Mary's sister, she didn't know why she would go through such measures to make sure Hannah had a friend.

  Sometimes Hannah is grateful that mary made her become friends with Ann. But, at other times, it is so far from the truth. 

   As they grew closer over the  year, Ann had many things in common with Hannah. They both enjoyed reading, especially about vampires. They were bullied, it was nice having a friend to help you ignore the hateful people, even take up for said person.

  Tenth grade year Hannah was forced to move with her elect sister, Valeri, two hours away they still spoke over the phone, text, Facebook, etc. It didn't last long; she eventually moved back to Georgia to be with her mom and family down there. By this time though her sister Mary had already gotten pregnant in high-school, moved back to Georgia, had the baby, and graduated. 

    Hannah started a new high-school, and needless to say she was back to having no friends, and being bullied, but not for the same reasons, she wasn't bullied here bc of her weight, or hair, or freckles. No, not at all. She was bullied because one of the special education kids sat her on her lap during breakfast one day and from that day forth he'd meet her in the hall, walk her to class and smell her hair. Even to this day because he liked the smell of her hair, strawberry creme shampoo, she still uses the same shampoo years later. 

    Yeah it is bad to be bullied for being nice, but at least the kid who sat on Hannah had something to look forward to every morning. That made Hannah going to school better. 

  After high-school Hannah moved back to South Carolina, she was reunited with her friend Ann. Not much has changed since then. Being friends for years makes you comfortable around someone.

  What no one tells you though. Some friendships were not meant to have after high-school. Some friends were supposed to be short term. 

   Hannah may consider Ann her best friend, but how can someone be your best friend if you feel like complete strangers. 

  Now Ann doesn't know how Hannah feels, it may make her a bad person. Why share information to someone who will just get mad at you and tell everyone your secrets? 

  Ann may have made Hannah feel like she didn't have to cut herself anymore, but that's only because when she did she didn't ask why, she only got mad and cussed at Hannah for doing so. 

 Hannah has gotten so good at hiding her feelings not even her husband knows how she feels and she can't help but wonder is it because of Ann? Because of Mary? Because of herself?

   Hannah will never forget about laying in the tub one night, after having an argument about the same old same old and having a razor ready, begging God to give her a sign not to do it. The first time it was her nephew asking her to lay down with him. The second time her thirteen year old brother in law asked if she was done because he had to pee. 

They say the third time's the charm.

  I know this isn't a typical story, it's chaos. Its reckless. It's unlike her life. Some things are true though. Some are pointlessly there for no reason. 

 Ann has her own little family now, she has children, the one Joy of her life. Hannah, she  has depression, anxiety, bipolar, and fertility problems. 

  May seem like a lot but it's not. Being depressed due to trying to have a kid for 4 years, she believes she is worthless, she believes she deserves to be gone if she can't even produce a child. 

 And that third time you may ask. Who will be at the bathroom door next? Only God knows who he decides to send next time, or if he will send anyone at all. After all. She has no friends.