The Bloom of a Daffodil

 “He underwent brain hypoxia during his attempt but luckily, you were able to get there in time so while he suffered some minor injuries, there's almost nothing worthy of noting.”

I sighed in relief as I tried to hold back the tears threatening to pour out of my eyes. I reached out my hand to the wall in an attempt to support myself up as my knees trembled under the sheer weight of the emotions welling into me. I sniffed and rubbed my probably red eyes by now as I took a peek into the hospital room to see a man in white hospital robes covered by a white blanket on a white bed. He looked pretty comfortable and everything just seemed too good to be true.

“There’s… there’s something else isn’t there, doc?”

The warmth and reassurance that seeped into my very being just a few seconds ago washed itself out as I saw the doctor’s expression morph into a face of grief. “Unfortunately, yes.” He took a deep breath and addressed me as he put his rough palm over my shoulder. “As a result of oxygen deficiency, the patient has also suffered from retrograde amnesia.”

The doctor’s dull brown eyes, his eyes which have already seen all sorts of tragedy, stared directly into mine and I knew that he had to deliver another tragedy to add to his name.

“He may not remember anything. Not who he was, what happened, and who you are.”

Silence ensued for the next few moments as I registered the words that came out of his lips into my head. He excused himself saying that he was going to give me some time to take in the gravity of the situation. I stood with my back to the wall as the bright lights of the hospital corridor stared back at me.

I felt… terrible. I felt empty and I don’t know if it was because I’ve already exhausted myself emotionally as I felt my puffy eyes try to push up my dry tears to no avail, or something else. I closed my eyes as I pushed myself off of the wall and tried to walk on wobbly legs to nowhere specifically. I expected more reaction from myself. Like I should’ve been more devastated by the news but as the doctor’s words registered in my head, I felt nothing. Just plain emptiness and that made me feel terrible.

Eventually I found myself outside the hospital doors as my sandaled feet took me to a place full of colors. It was a welcome change in contrast to the bland monochromatic theme of the hospital walls which made me feel sick for some reason. I took my sandals off as I opted to promptly ignore the sturdy wooden bench for the luscious green patches of grass under my now bare feet.

In my honest opinion, there was nothing quite like a hospital garden. By the eye test, there wasn’t really anything extraordinary that separates it from any other flowery field of greenery but there’s always something special about it. Something about its atmosphere just helps you relax, calm your nerves down, and set your vision straight. It was my own little safe haven, away from all the stress inside the hospital and all the responsibilities of an adult from the outside.

And the flowers, God those flowers smell ethereal.

I felt the blades of the grass tickle the soles of my feet as I made my way to a small patch of yellow flowers. I tucked the stem of one daffodil in between my fingers from the stem up as I closed my eyes and breathed in the fragrance and for at least a moment, I understood what being at peace was like once more after a very long time.

Averting my gaze, I laid my eyes upon a lone clover flower. It was his favorite flower for many reasons and I couldn’t help but think that he may unconsciously like it if I bring it over once he wakes up. I scooted over to touch its petals and a surge of emotions welled up my chest and right then I understood that no matter what happens, he will still be the same man I’ve loved for over a decade of my life now.

“Mrs. Primrose?”

I tiredly turned my head to face the doctor who seemed a little bit more cheerful than he was earlier. “Your husband.” He regarded me with a bittersweet smile. “He’s awake.”

…

I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. He was sitting on the couch of the private room, blankly staring outside the wide-open window. I gripped the bouquet of flowers in my hand and slowly made my way over to his relaxed figure.

“Clover?”

He turned to see me and I swear that the blank look in his striking blue eyes sparkled into something akin to happiness. “Yes I am Clover, the flower not the leaf.” His lips contorted into a mirthful grin and his glee was contagious as I felt the weight on my shoulders lighten up. “It means ‘Think of me.’”

“I’m glad you’re doing better.” I handed him the bouquet of blue sages and he breathed in the fresh scent of spring. I plucked a lone clover flower from the bouquet and put it inside the vase of water sitting on top of his bedside table.

“Yeah, I haven’t really remembered much about who I was since I woke up a month ago but, I’m not losing hope just yet.”

I giggled onto my palm as I ruffled his hair with the other. “Don‘t pressure yourself, okay?” He stared straight through my eyes before giving me another cheeky grin.

“Sure! I have to be at my best condition until I can finally remember your name.”

I returned a smile back at him as he dropped the bouquet of blue sages down onto his bed. I bit my lip as I pondered on what to do next. I hadn’t the faintest idea if any of them was ready to meet one another but I’ve already gotten this far to back off now.

“I want you to meet a few people.”

He paused for a second before twisting his body to face me.

“Who?”

I saw the apprehension in his eyes and I had to steel myself before I fall into a pit of eternal uncertainty. “Come in.” I called for the door and just a few seconds later, three young children came in who were holding the same type of anxiety deep within their eyes as they pushed each other because no one wanted to go in first.

“Well hello kids, how may I help you?” Seeing that they were just harmless little children probably helped him relax a bit more as he sat down on the bed. He smiled at them and I could tell that the kids were unsure of what to do.

“…introduce yourselves guys.” I coaxed them after dropping on my knees to reassure them that everything is fine and nothing bad was ever going to happen as long as I was with them.

The tallest of them, a boy 12 years of age finally stepped forward as he took a deep breath and stood proud and tall in front of Clover. “My name is Gladiolus, meaning strength and courage. I am the eldest son of Clover Primrose!”

I saw Clover’s posture straighten up in surprise but he wasn’t given ample time to compose himself as a smaller girl popped out from behind the 12 year old boy. “H-hello dad, my name is Jasmine and it means elegance. I’m not sure what that means b-but I think it means I’m pretty?”

His straight face cracked open with an amused smile before his attention was taken away for one last time. “Hi daddy! Mommy said you forgot my name and I’m not happy with that! My name is Lily Primrose, I’m 6 years old, and you should remember that if you really love me!”

The small girl huffed her chest as Clover finally let out a hearty chuckle. He looked at me and I could see the tears he was trying to hold back since earlier. ”Are they really?” He whispered at me and I could only nod in reply before his heartfelt emotions poured out for the world to feel.

I felt the tears slowly building up under my eyes as he kissed each one of them on the forehead with tears streaming onto his cheeks. “I missed you.” His voice cracked and his children finally and hesitantly hugged him. “I m-may not remember y-you right now b-but,” He heaved a heavy sigh as he felt Jasmine starting to tear up herself. “I p-promise you that… that daddy will never forget you again, o-okay?” He gave each one of them a kiss on the forehead again and I finally let my tears out myself.

“Gladiolus, I am proud to say that you live up to the meaning of your name.” He addressed his eldest son who swelled with pride at his words.

“Jasmine… Elegance means way more than just being pretty, okay?” I chuckled as he yelped in surprise when the 9 year old girl clung onto him with a tight hug.

“And…”

“Its’ Lily! You said you won’t forget anymore!”

Clover laughed as he scooped up the youngest child into his arms before kissing her on the forehead once more. “Daddy’s just teasing you.” She put her hands on her hip but leaned into the kiss anyway. “Daddy loves you okay?”

She nodded before hugging her father as tightly as her small 6 year old arms could. It was a sight to behold really. As a mother and as a wife, there’s nothing more I could ever wish for than just to see my husband and children bonding together as if the whole weight of the world hasn’t fallen upon them yet.

Or maybe, just maybe, they had already begun to lift it up themselves.

…

I felt my heart flutter for even just the tiniest of moments but it was suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of uncertainty rushing through my head. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I took the lone purple hyacinth flower from Clover’s hands. I steeled my gaze as I turned to look at his face. At least he had the shame to show some remorse.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost hold of myself.”

I stared at his blue eyes and for the first time since the last time I could remember, I’ve seen the genuineness in them. The feeling of doubt resting in my chest was slowly washed away by hope, something that I’ve almost already forgotten over the years.

I looked back behind him and saw the children sitting timidly on the couches. I heaved a sigh and walked past Clover as I dropped down to the children’s level. They stared at me in bated breath and I could only force a smile on my face as I ruffled their hairs in an attempt to alleviate the anxiety they were feeling.

“Can I ask you to go out for now? You can play by the garden if you’d like.” I tried to put on a cheery face although I knew that it wasn’t much of any use. “We’ll buy ice cream later.”

Lily immediately bolted out of the door with Jasmine hesitantly following suit. I turned to face my eldest son who appeared to be debating with himself and with a resolute stance, held his head up high and breathed out.

“I’m not leaving.”

Clover could only look at him with a curious gaze and so did I but I felt my heartbeat quicken its pace. “Why?” I spoke in a soft voice as he hugged me tight.

“Daddy may hit you again! I don’t want that to happen!”

For a moment, the world seemed to pause along with the beating of my heart before the colors suddenly came crashing down once more. I didn’t dare look at Clover’s face as I held him by my hands.

“Don’t worry. Mommy’s strong okay?” I gave him a smile although he was still hesitant. “Plus, daddy’s weak right now.” I whispered to him and I could feel him brighten up even for just a bit. He gave me one more look and one more hug before he too ran for the outstretched door.

A second passed, two seconds, three seconds, and then a minute more before I finally heard the door close behind me. I held myself in apprehension as I stood there staring at probably nothing as I noticed my eyes focusing on nothing.

I heard Clover move from behind me and I could only wait for what he was going to next but whatever it was that I was expecting, never came. I felt my heart skip a beat for the second time today as warm arms enveloped themselves around my waist. The gasp that left my mouth was left unnoticed as another sound covered it up.

I turned around as much as I could with his weak grip on my body. “Clover?” I lifted his chin up and right then and there I noticed the steady flow of tears streaming down his cheeks. I hastily and gently rubbed the droplets of water away as his blue eyes gazed longingly deep into my soul.

“Your eyes are colored hazel.” He tried to feign a laugh but as he bit his lip, ultimately broke down in front of me. “And I’m g-glad that… this is the first t-time I’m going to be seeing it.” 

He strengthened his embrace as he pulled me in closer to a hug. “What’s wrong Clover?” I said as I rubbed the back side of his head in an attempt to console him.

“I… woke up like a new-born child in an adult’s body.” He whispered quietly as he leaned into my touch. “F-for the longest time I… wanted to be just like what I should be. An adult with a lifestyle and a… f-family.”

He paused for a moment to hold me within arm’s reach and all I could feel was how heartbroken he was and how much it made me too. He was hurting, calling for help only to fall onto deaf ears and I just wanted nothing more than to hold him within my arms.

“All of t-that. Gone. In the blink of an e-eye!” He choked and I sat him down before grabbing a glass of water. He sat there for a few minutes as I drew circles around his back. He visibly calmed down but I could tell that he wasn’t finished just yet.

“I wanted nothing more than to get those that I’ve lost back. To remember everything I’ve forgotten.” He turned to me and gave me a bittersweet smile. “But now, I don’t know anymore.”

My eyes softened as his gaze dropped down to the floor. “Did something happen?”

“The kids… they were talking about how they liked me now much better than before I lost my memories.” I sat closer to him and hugged him again. My warmth and presence was all that I could offer at the moment as he let all his frustrations out. “They thought I was asleep but I could hear them wishing for my memories to never resurface.”

I could feel the wind blowing behind our backs from the open window and I wanted nothing more than to get back to my safe haven. “It broke my heart… to hear all my young children talk about my situation like that but… I thought that maybe… maybe I really am better off not knowing who I was.”

I stayed silent as he pressed himself further into my shoulders. “They also talked about how you were happier this time around than before and I thought to myself, ‘how horrible of a person am I to make such a beautiful woman sad?’”

“Don’t say that.”

He gave me a small smile before laying his head down on my shoulders once more. “But you know… I realized that maybe I lost my memories for a reason.”

“…And what is that?”

“That maybe that horrible person was purposely disposed of. That he may never hit or hurt you again, and that he may form something beautiful once more.”

And just like that, the colors have fully blown back in full effect. I held his face as I kissed him on the forehead.

“My name is Clover.” He said as he gave me a small, genuine smile that was never so real ever before. “Clover Primrose. May I have your name?”

I gazed back at his blue eyes which held mine in adoration. I took a deep breath, heaved a deep sigh, and held his shaking hand after his outburst of emotions.

“My name is Salvia Primrose.” I could see the smile from his face that he didn’t even try to hide. “The flower which says ‘I’m thinking of you.’”

And after a decade of mistreatment, abusive love, and a whole bunch of apologies and forgiving, I finally found the man I loved back. The man I married who isn’t really quite who he was, was who I was exactly looking for.

I wiped a tear from my eye as I accepted the kiss he planted on my forehead.

Finally I realized that I need not go back to where my safe haven is. Because after a decade of looking for it, I finally found it.

I just have to find myself some white tulips.