"That dude's fucking crazy, dog…"
"I know, did you see the way he flipped that desk? I thought Jimmy was a goner. He shouldn't been talking shit… "
"Haha, yeah, that motherfucker's strong as fuck. He works out at my gym."
"No way… Teacher lifts, bro?"
"I'm telling you this guy's something else." He puffed, puffed then passed it. "One time, dude was working out minding his business when Rico, the ugliest meatbag you ever saw steps up to him and demands his weights. My man was eyeballing this cunt like it was nothing; screaming in his face and shit, slapping his chest… My man was stone cold, didn't even flinch when Rico faked a slap."
"Yeah, I know. But check this out: once Rico bounced, this dude stood there, eyes closed, hands shaking."
"What?! That's fucked up…"
"I know. But wait, there's more. He then adds twenty kilograms to the bar and deadlifts that bitch like it's your mom. His soles are digging into the carpet; this motherfucker was sinking and lifting twice his body weight. He doesn't talk to anyone while he's in the gym, he just squats and deadlifts all the time."
"He doesn't look jacked. He's just massive. I thought he used to play football and now he's fat."
A skinny white guy with <fuck> written on his snapback coughed and passed to his left.
"Yo man I'm telling you this guy is on another level of scary. I saw him naked in the lockers-"
"What? That's gay, bro."
He grabbed his golden chain and slapped Snapback's hand.
"Shut up fool I'm trying to tell you something."
"Look we get it: you got the hots for the teacher… Usually it's long-legged-busty blondes but now you moved up to strong, burly men."
"Manly men, " Snapback added.
He held in the smoke longer than usual. The other two settled.
"Now listen up," he said passing it to Chains, "this guy has a weird-ass tattoo on his shoulder. It's a combination of a skull, two knives and a frog."
"A frog?! Dude what the fuck?"
"Yeah I know, shit's weird. It's all black too."
"Any writing on it?"
"Yeah it says <Debby swallows.>"
Chains choked fighting back the tears. Snapback felt the burn.
"Hey why you gotta bring my grandma into this?"
"Bro I'm just saying your granny is fine; like that Bellucci chick James Bond fucked. She's got that sweet granny-fanny…"
"Oh yeah I'd wreck that thing, dislocate her hip and shit."
"Yeah me too. Just push up on that granny-fanny. Fuck her on that plastic covered furniture."
"Eat the nookie and the cookie, boy."
"You know why grandmas wear short skirts?"
Snapback was shaking his head, puffing along.
"So you can see them fine titties."
"I bet she gives great head. First she has to put those dentures away…"
"And drink some water. She got that dry-mouth."
"Just have her lean into a walking frame and knock the dust out that thing."
"Ok, ok can you just stop now, please?"
The boys pushed each other around in a harmless game of roughhousing. Chains panting leaned on his cool friend and said
"What do you think his real job is?"
"You mean before he came here?"
"Yeah like what did he use to do before teaching geography."
"Money is tight these days. How much does a substitute teacher make?"
"Must be a lot if he has to put up with our bullshit," Snapback said, rubbing his eyes.
"Careful, that's how you get pinkeye."
"You know how else you can get pinkeye?"
"Yeah-yeah my grandma's fanny. I get it. I wanna know why he moved here in the first place. Isn't he from New York?"
"I heard Detroit, " said Chains.
"Bro I bet Miss Helen knows where he's from. He's been talking to her a whole lot at lunchtime; probably hitting that."
"How hot is Miss Helen am I right guys?"
"Focus for one second. I think we might find out more about this guy if we chat her up."
"Bruh, we can't just walk up to her and ask what's his story."
"Because this isn't <Gossip Girl> bro. We need to handle this like men."
"You mean get naked in the gym locker room, walk up to him and ask how much he squats?", Snapback said, spinning his hat around.
"Buy him a six-pack and some Jesus shoes."
"So he won't sink anymore while he lifts."
"Right, right… Buy him small weights so he can do cardio, lifting faster."
"He's like <cardio? sorry I don't speak italian. >"
"Cardio? So more than five reps?"
"Get his ass evicted from the building because he's squatting."
"Buy him an iron so he can do curls at home."
"He won't be needing wax because his shins are already glistening."
"Buy him a twelve volt blender for his car."
"Threaten to rat him out for stealing school chalk supplies."
"Shredded wheat?! No whey."
The boys enjoyed the rest of the day, skipping classes, eating fast-food and smoking weed. Will they ever find out the origins of the mysterious squatting man? Will they ever know if he banged Miss Helen? How hot is Snapback's grandma really? Is she like Monica Bellucci? Because that's freaking hot, not gonna lie. Just imagine my voice is that of Morgan Freeman, while you read the fanny jokes. Come on I'm trying to stretch this out to one thousand words. Gotta hit that magic number, any second now; here we go, almost there. That's what she said. No, not really. Why are you still here, reading this? It's done, the story ends like this without any answers to the questions that arose in the beginning. Personally I wanted to know more about Rico: why was he so angery with the guy? What's his story? Is he a Pepsi or Coke kind of person? What are his hobbies? We will never know now, unless we cut to a flashback of him holding a bouquet of roses. He drops them on the sidewalk as he witnesses in horror Miss Helen making out with some guy. He doesn't see his face, because she was sucking on it… But he does see the tattoo: a skull, two knives and sad Pepe.