Death for Sale

25 years of delivering death, just a few steps away from retirement and that blithering old hag has the AUDACITY to leave me a one star review? ME?! Sir Fell of A rank?! After all that I have done for her? All the secrets I have kept! All the silly wishes for her Passage! That blimp won't leave a man at peace even in death. For a moment I see a flash of my arm band turning from white to gold... Absolutely unacceptable! I must make this right at once!

I grab my phone and ring her daughter; taking a deep breath to regain my composure as I do so.

"Hello, you've reached Dutchess Anne Crowly. Who is this?"

"Hello, madam. This is Mr.Fell. I sincerely apologise for disturbing a busy woman such as yourself, but I just recieved news that it seems an anonymous client has left me a review of only one star and I wanted to make sure that it couldn't be you, of course?"

"Ah, yes, Mr. Fell. My mother did say you were the kind to get on one's nerves. On account of how your service had her constantly complaining to make changes, you should consider yourself lucky for even getting a single star. Believe me, I did my bit to convince her to choose one of the renowned firms rather than a solo agent and if it hadn't been for her silly fling, I'm sure she would have."

Oh, this insolent residue of a family name- "Madam, I'm afraid there must have been some sort of a mistake. I assure you that I ensured late Miss Crowly had the very Passage she wanted. Her last breaths were filled with the fragrance of fresh summer tulips with a mist of grass; she drank the Morphine with a glass of her favorite wine, to the sound of 2 harps and a violin played by three bare, muscular men in a bed of feathers made from the most beautiful swans she had selected herself. I left no-"

"Mr. Fell, I have no intention of wasting my time applauding a grown man for having done his job. It is for your own good that you made no mistakes in fulfilling my mother's wishes; seeing that she paid you almost double of what one ought to give an Eden agent from any reputable company, I do hope you're not wasting my time in the hopes of any more."

"Of course not, madam. Your mother knew very well what I was owed as an agent of my rank and expertise and I have no wish- nor need- to do what you're suggesting. All I ask is for you to withdraw the review, at the very least." I quickly add, "I'm sure you don't need me to remind you that I still have signed documents from your mother's first agreement with me. It cannot be good for a family name such as yours to be tainted with the scandal of a lover's murder. It would truly pain me to hurt the image that was late Miss Alice Crowly."

A hollow laugh catches me by surprise, "You overestimate my concern for the dead, good sir. It makes no difference to me whether the world continues to think of that woman as a tragic, young beauty that died in the arms of her forbidden love or a vile, old witch that had him killed to live decades off his wealth in secret. But why don't you indulge me, Mr. Fell? Do tell the world the truth, give them something to talk about for a few days and we'll see whose name is turned to mud; the woman they have long forgotten, or the proud Eden agent of Laden Mansion who foolishly exposes himself to be a murder accomplice?"

I am too stunned to speak... How is one supposed to deal with a person so insolent and unreasonable, so shameless and cunning...

The apple does not fall far from the tree. My blood boils but I know I must stay calm, these people need to be handled with a different approach.

"My apologies, madam. I realize I have only wasted your time with this unnecessary call. Your mother's will shall be ready tomorrow, please allow me to deliver it myself and make this up to you with lunch at The Athens."

"Why, Mr. Fell, now that is what's expected from a sensible gentleman."

------•------

"Welcome, madam. Thank you for giving me a chance to redeem myself, I do appreciate your kindness." I say pulling out her chair.

"It's awfully empty in here today. I don't suppose we're intruding on anyone's Passage? Hungry for attention, these folks, letting the entire town know how they go."

"No, madam. I have requested it to be so. Rest assured, the staff knows very well that the Crowlys must always have their wishes fulfilled." I nod to the waiter on my right as I hand him the envelope. A subtle smirk appears on her face; it fascinates me that such obligatory praise should feed one's ego so.

"Madam, a sensible woman such as yourself must have considered changing the review. After all, you understand very well how-"

"Don't waste your breath on questioning my sensibilities, Mr. Fell. I suggest you stop this badgering at once, or I really will have to change the review "

With a deep sigh, I rise from my chair. "If this is how it must be..." I put on my hat and pull a revolver out of my left pocket.

As I pull the trigger, aimed between her slowly widening eyes, at the muzzle end I see her initial laughter brought to a sudden end with the realization of what the contents of the envelope must be.

To whom it may concern,

I, Miss Crowly, Dutchess in the city of Newville, State of Budengale, being of sound mind, not acting under duress or undue influence, and fully understanding the nature and extent of my requests, do hereby make, publish and declare this document to be my note of confirmation that I have chosen Sir Fell of A rank to be my Eden Agent and conduct my Passage. The details of my Passage are to be known only by the parties concerned with aiding it and to be disclosed to none other, family or friends.

Signed, A. Crowly.