Affirmation

I want to say you saved me, but that would be misleading. So let me put it this way, you saved me from losing a pivotal and precious part of myself. “Malatsi ha a tle ka go tshwana” this is a saying in my language (setswana) which literally translates to “days don’t come the same” — it means that everyday brings something different, a different challenge, obstacle, joy or victory and you might have an idea of what the day will bring, but you just never know for sure. You also never know who you will cross paths with and how they will impact your life. 

I found myself, no actually, I got myself into a very toxic relationship. You know how they say a new “love” is exciting? Yep! It was thrilling, I was so caught up in the excitement, how good it made me feel, that I missed the red flags that were so boldly and constantly acted out to me. They were not hidden under any pretense or lies. That’s right folks, love is blind, the honey moon phase was so good, I was ok with letting go off all my male friends, and limiting my communication close to non-existent with all male acquaintances because of his insecurities. There was a point in time I had to interrogate my friends before going out with them about who would be present, “would there be males?” and “who are they?”. I had to know prior, so I could either ask permission or explain when confronted. So the little things like that became big things that stole my joy, peace and confidence, ultimately altering who I was and how I viewed myself. I was embarrassed at how weak I was and the lengths to which I went to maintain peace in the relationship. Even so, was it really peace if I was at war with myself?

After a couple of months, the inevitable end came about. I was crushed because I was madly in love with him. Although if you ask me what it is about him that I really loved, I can’t give you a straight answer. Here’s the thing, I wondered a lot why he accepted the break-up so easily? Had he not seen how beautiful I was? How loving I was, why was I not good enough for him to treat me right? It was all me, me , me , what was wrong with me? And in between asking myself all these questions and drowning in sorrow, I hated myself for being so weak and feeling like it was the end of the world because a man had broken my heart. I thought that a strong women should not be brought down by a break-up. 

I remembered what a counselor, Mma SG had said to us when we were constantly bickering and thought therapy would help us. She said that a break-up was a loss and it was natural to feel immense pain just as the kind you feel when someone dies. Mma SG said that in order to heal from a break-up we needed to allow ourselves to mourn just as we would be expected to and allow ourselves that period after the death of a loved one. I found it so profound and for the rest of my mourning period I constantly reminded myself I was not weak and that my tears and isolation was normal and in fact healthy. I knew that I would be damned if I continue to believe the relationship failed because there was something wrong with me, and I would be doomed if I didn’t change the story I told myself during healing. Those words, that guidance had saved me from possibly burying the pain deep down and getting up to socialize where I’d most probably go telling my story looking for some form of reinforcement that my ex was a horrible person and that I had done nothing wrong which was true, my biggest fault was loving him and constantly listening to self-aggrandizing tirades, hemming and hawing agreeing to things I felt were absolutely absurd and unfair simply to avoid an argument . I also got to learn that he wasn’t a horrible person through couple counseling, just that he had deep seated issues that he hadn’t resolved and wasn’t trying to resolve, making him project his insecurities in an unpleasant and controlling manner on me. Without this understanding I would still be bitter and believe he is a horrible person, I would be harboring hate towards him that would only still my peace. He is not a hero in this story, but I’m sure he is in someone else’s story. Experiencing him, unearthed people I never thought of as hero’s, in my life, and in my community and for that I can say Thank you for that. 

Much later in my recovery I was triggered by a casual relation I had with someone else, and in that time I suffered from so much anxiety. Again I questioned my beauty, and my ability to be loved. My cousin whom I had just started forming a relationship with, said to me “You are beautiful! You are awesome! You are worthy! Your future is so bright that it scares the enemy!! I declare supernatural peace over you in Jesus’ name!!” She told me I was a force to be reckoned with. I know its cliche but she said exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, contrary what people would normally say to you, she told me what I was and what she believed I was destined for and not what I shouldn’t feel. I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe this was meant to teach me why women in abusive relationships find it hard to leave, the kind of emotional battle they face. Maybe to educate those I can, not to judge women who stay in abusive relationships harshly.

Now let’s take a look at the definition of hero and skill; 

Hero /n./ a person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his or her brave deed and noble qualities. 

Skill /n./ the ability to do something well; expertise

The women who affirmed and spoke wisdom over me during this mentally and emotionally trying time would not be considered your typical heroes , but they are the heroes of a season in my life where I fought a battle not many could understand and not many knew how to help. I salute psychotherapists and counselors who dedicate their lives to listening to people’s problems day in and day out and offering a judgement free healing space. It truly cannot be easy, but they do it. Then we have family members who choose us, and affirm us intentionally. Yes, these two women are heroes in their own right, they have the ability to help people fight mental and emotional battles. Battles often fought in silence and are often not understood. Their wisdom aided my healing.

Thank you for that ladies.