Forgiveness

Once I got back from L.A. in January, I drowned myself in work. Two months had passed since my last visit. I kept sending one of my juniors to attend the productions abroad. Ayden kept sending an email every single day. I read some but I didn’t always have the courage to open them. I couldn’t forgive the only person that could cure the empty feeling in my heart. Sometimes, I cried in frustration because I felt like I should forgive him, that I should try again, but the thought of saying those words froze me. 

It was with despair that I watched my dreams get shattered. I mastered being alone and that might be the way my life was supposed to be. 

I kept myself busy with work and planning the summer holidays. Josh, Clint, and Nate were all coming to my family holiday house for two weeks in August. I almost felt like myself again, even if there was a void inside me that could only be filled by the man that wrote to me every day. 

I woke up early in the morning, we were shooting a campaign for an architecture agency that had built new flats by the canal, close to King Cross. I usually would have not attended such a small shoot, but since I had been back from Los Angeles I went to all the shoots in London to keep busy. 

The grey sky that hovered over my house welcomed the sun right above the building where we were shooting. The sun’s rays pierced the morning mist. I got to the building a bit before our call time, the client had given us a key. I took the elevator to the third floor and I stepped inside the flat. I waited for everybody in the living room enjoying the view of the canal. 

The door burst open. I stood up to go greet whoever just entered. As I turned myself, I was greeted by a pair of eyes that I only saw in my dreams, by a smile that I could only hope was for me. “How?” I whispered. His hair was shorter, and he was wearing smart clothes, he looked handsome, beautiful, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. 

Ayden came closer to me and extended his hand. “You must be Lily, I’m Ayden.” He said with a coy smile. I didn’t know what game he was playing, but I was too shocked to react. 

Seconds later, more people came in. I was grateful when I saw my crew step through the flat. I introduced everybody to Ayden and another man stepped through the door. Tom our client.  

While everybody was setting up, I took my time to look at Ayden. I happily smiled. When our gazes intertwined, like they used to, I saw the pain and regret in his eyes. I was sure I was looking at him with sorrow, not because I was sad, but because I was longing for our future together.  

We captured every single photo we needed, and by four, we were wrapping. “I can’t wait to see the result,” Tom said. “I need to head out to pick up my daughter, but I leave you with Ayden. He will lock everything up,” he explained. 

“If you need anything, let me or James know,” I said. Everybody was ready to leave, but I seemed to be frozen.

“I need to speak with Lily about the contract, why don’t you guys head out, and we will lock?” Ayden said to the crew. 

“Sure. Bye, Lily.” They all said in unison while they grabbed their equipment and headed out. 

I walked towards the window to look at the canal. I heard his footsteps approaching.

Ayden was right next to me, we were not touching. I briefly closed my eyes. I remembered how it felt to be in his arms, to have his hand on mine. “How?” I whispered again. 

“I moved to London about six weeks ago. I couldn’t bear being so far from you. I don’t know if you read my latest emails?” He asked. Neither of us was looking at each other. We were both facing the window looking at the canal. 

“Not all of them. I have read some, but I don’t have the strength to read them every day.” I admitted. 

Ayden took a deep breath. “I have tried every possible technique to remember. I sometimes get glimpses, emotions, but nothing sharp. The only thing I do remember is your love.” His amnesia was never going to disappear, he would never get our memories back.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and pat the right side of the bed as if I was looking for you. Sometimes I’m grocery shopping, and I’m about to ask ‘is this okay?’ to realize that you are not standing next to me. Sometimes, I just stand in my kitchen making breakfast, realizing too late that I have made breakfast for two. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning, and I say ‘morning, Little Panda’ but my bed is still empty. I don’t know if I will ever get those memories back..." he paused for a second, catching his breath, “I don’t know if I deserve them to be honest.”

“I’m not sure whether I’m ready, Ayden,” I told him. It was hard to talk, hard to stay by his side, hard to keep my shield up. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He countered.

I stayed put, looking through the window, realizing that I was the one stopping us. Taking my hand in his, he said, “that accident was a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because it made me fall in love with you for a second time, but a curse because I hurt you so much that I’m not sure if I will ever forgive myself.” He shook his head, a pained look crossed his features, like a flower about to die. 

Breaking the contact with him, I turned to look at him. I didn’t have the strength to talk, to forgive, to forget. I just simply nodded, grabbed my purse and laptop, and stepped outside finally being able to breathe again. 

I decided to walk home to clear my head. I walked through the familiar streets, I knew them as if I had built them myself. My heart wanted out of my chest. Perhaps, I was holding a grudge and I should let it go. I needed advice. Before calling Freya, an email notification appeared on my phone. 

From: ayden.king@gmail.com

To: lily.chapmanperez@gmail.com

Subject: What I’m feeling today  

Lily, 

I’ve been hoping for two weeks that I would see you today. When Tom and I were exchanging with James, I kept dropping hints that it would be good to have you on set to talk about a possible contract, hoping that it would push you to come.

When I stepped through the apartment this morning and saw you in the living room, it felt like I was home. Seeing you standing there brought a sense of déjà vu. When I listened to you direct the crew, I realized how much I love your bossy voice. Today you looked beautiful, your wild hair, your toned legs, I wanted to hold you in my arms and never let go. 

Seeing you brought light to my day, I will never ask you for forgiveness, but I will ask you for a second chance.   

Yours, 

Ayden 

As the air unraveled, blowing in every direction, I sat on a bench, trying to gather my thoughts. People were running, conversing, walking home from work. 

After a couple of minutes, I called Freya. “Hey darling, how are you doing?”

“I saw Ayden today,” I told her. She didn’t seem surprised, nor reacted to my comment. “You knew, didn’t you?” 

“Yes, I’ve known from the start,” she admitted. 

“Why didn’t you say something?” I wondered. My free hand went underneath the scarf that was wrapped twice around my neck. 

“Because you needed time, but enough is enough. You need to either forget or forgive.” She said sharply. Freya had stood by my side every single day, picking up the pieces little by little. 

“I don’t know if I can,” I confessed. 

“Yes, you do. It’s been months, either you forget Ayden and move on, or you forgive him and move forward. I know you still love him, and do not try to deny it.” She warned me. 

“What do you think I should do?” I closed my eyes briefly. 

“I can’t answer that, only you. I’ll give you a tip, though. It’s easier to forgive than forget. It's better to have a regret than a remorse. You know how you feel when you are with him. You know how happy he can make you. Not only that, but you know how deep your love is for him. If you are willing to open your eyes and look, the answer is right in front of you.” She said calmly. 

“I can’t erase the memory at the hospital out of my mind.” It was that memory that hunted my dreams at night. The way he had screamed at me, the hate in his eyes. It was too much.

“Lily, you know you still love him, so what are you waiting for?” It was that word, love, that made me realize the honest truth. If you love someone aren't you supposed to fight for them, to forgive them?

“I need to go,” I said suddenly and hung up.

Still sitting on the bench, I decided that it was time to reply. It was time to get what I had been looking for my whole life. I could roam the earth trying to find someone better than Ayden, but I knew that he was perfect for me, with his flaws, his weaknesses, and his fears. I couldn’t judge Ayden for when he felt weak and scared. I could choose to forgive him and give him the love that my heart still held for him. 

From: lily.chapmanperez@gmail.com  

To: Ayden.king@gmail.com 

Subject: Re: What I am feeling today  

Meet me today at 7 PM at the pub on Whitecross Street with Banner Street.   

Yours, 

Lily x 

Love needed to be complicated, messy, and wild. Life needed to be challenging, celebrated, and cherished. One couldn’t love if one was indifferent. It was the painful moments that made us appreciate the joyful ones.

Life needed balance, the good and the bad. It had no limits except for those we set down. I was tired of dwelling in the past, I needed to cherish the present, to build the future I dreamt about with no remorse. 

I walked towards where Ayden was sitting at the pub. Each stride made my mind clearer, more resolute. I hold onto the happy memories. 

I paused when I was six feet away from him, taking in a deep breath, to only think of our future from here on. A future, we would build. Taking two more strides, I stood in front of him, looking into his eyes. He smiled, and I mirrored his expression. I was a girl walking towards her destiny, her home, her love. 

"I'm sorry it took me this long," I admitted as he held me in his arms.

"Better late than ever." He dropped a kiss to the top of my head, and from that moment on I knew we would be alright.