r&j

After a long silence. “What’s your favourite memory of us together?”

“That’s an easy one. When you brought me home with you to Montevideo.”

Genuinely surprised. “Oh yeah?”

Brightly. “Definitely. I got to meet your grandma, who despite all your descriptions turned out to be the sweetest woman I’ve ever spoken to. I discovered all the places you grew up loving. I saw so many things that perfectly explained why you are the way you are. I’d never seen you so happy. I haven't seen so happy since, either. It felt like you were in your rightful place... And it felt we had all the time in the world.”

Annoyed. “Why does it always have to come back to this? Do you not feel like I’m in my rightful place here?”

“You know that’s not what I meant. You’re perfectly fine here too. But your roots are in Uruguay and something about being there made you come alive. You don’t agree?”

“I don’t. Well, of course, I love it there. It’s my home. But Madrid is where I want to be. I don’t think you ever really got that.”

Defensively. “Okay, Joaquin, okay. Don’t get mad. I’m sorry, and I'm tired. We really don’t need to fight over this again.”

Sighing. “You’re right. Give me another memory.”

“Hum, let me see… Actually, it's funny; to this day I still really like thinking about the first time we met. But you never remember it quite like I do.”

“I definitely remember it being very sunny that day, the most beautiful afternoon we’d had in weeks. After that boring philosophy class we both took first semester, right?”

Smiling. “Yeah. And do you remember what you were wearing?”

“Not at all… But your face is telling me it was something unforgettable.”

Chuckling. “The world’s ugliest pair of overalls! The blue and yellow denim ones that I made you throw away a couple months after we started dating.”

Falsely offended. “Well, I obviously thought they were great. And you didn’t make me throw them out, you brought them to the donations store behind my back! I loved those...”

“I know, but I can’t say I’m sorry. I mean, they were objectively terrible, but they apparently worked in your favour… I had never noticed you before, but after you asked me for a cigarette as you were leaving, you were stuck in my mind… I knew you were the one.”

Doubtful pause. “The one?”

Regretful. “Well, not the one, I guess. A potential one, at the very least. I knew I was going to pursue you from that moment.”

Cheeky. “But as we all know, you chickened out and I ended up having to do all the work. I’ve never seen someone play more hard-to-get than you, Ruben. We would’ve never dated if it weren’t for me!”

Scoffing. “If convincing yourself of that helps you sleep at night, then sure.”

“Wanna know what mine is?”

“Your favourite memory of us?”

“Yeah.”

Curious. “Sure, go ahead.”

Smiling. “My favourite memory of us is undoubtedly the night we moved into the Chamberí apartment.”

Also genuinely surprised. “And why is that?”

“Because while I was taking the furniture out of boxes, you volunteered to make dinner, but you went out and just got us the unhealthiest cereal you could find at the supermarket.”

Smiling fondly. “Oh yeah, I definitely remember. That’s all it took?”

“Well, no. I love it mainly because it was our first night alone together. No parents blasting their music and dancing in the living room. No sister stomping upstairs. Just us. Pause. And when I sat down with you on our couch, watching our TV, eating our cereal, I felt at home. I thought I had found the place I’d want to stay in forever.”

Fondly. “It did feel a little magical, didn’t it?”

Joaquin nods. He’s teary-eyed but Ruben doesn’t notice. They stay in silence for a long time. The sun sets.

“Joaquin?”

Sniffling. “Yeah?”

“We were really happy, weren’t we? We were good together.”

Uncomfortable. “Yeah. Well, most of the time, anyways.”

“So why are we breaking up?”

Flatly. “Because you cheated on me, Ruben.”

Annoyed. “No. Why are we breaking up? Why are you breaking up with me?”

“I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

Exasperated. “Joaquin… Please, please, don’t lie to me anymore. I am beyond exhausted. I've been pushing and pushing, to no avail. You know things haven’t been the same for a bit. We used to say that if either of us went looking elsewhere, we’d talk it out and we’d stay together, because we would love each other always. But you’re refusing to talk this out. So please just tell me the truth.”

A tense pause. Then, guilty. “It's too hard. I can't get over this, I can't do all those things we said we would. Thoughtful pause. How am I supposed to tell you I don’t love you anymore? These memories are nice, they really are. Memories are all well and good, but I don’t feel like I used to do in all of them.”

Defeated. “How long have you felt like this?”

Bluntly. “Long enough.”

“And were you planning me on telling me the truth before I left? Is that why you called and told me to come here? Or were you going to keep pretending that my cheating, my one little slip, was the only reason we had to stop seeing each other?”

Ashamed. “I don't know I was going to tell you. I called you because I couldn’t just let you go like that. I used to see you as the other half, the better half, of me. I needed closure! I’ve spent some of the best times of my short life with you. So, no, I guess I wasn’t going to say anything. But I wanted to. I swear, Ruben, I really did.”

Softly. “Just wanting to tell me doesn’t mean shit in the end, Joaquin. What matters is that if I hadn't provoked you, you would've kept quiet. You were going to let me leave the country for God knows how long thinking you still loved me. Thinking that I blew up our chance at happiness with a single little mistake. Pause. And, while we’re being honest… Sigh. I didn’t even sleep with him, you know. I made it all up.”

Stunned. “You did what?”

“I can't believe I ever felt so guilty. I made it all up from beginning to end, the other guy, the cheating. I knew how you felt. I’ve known for so long. I could feel you wanted an out, Joaquin, so I gave it to you. I loved you, you idiot. I still love you! I'm sitting here after the shit you put me through still so fucking in love with you. But I was tired of you being a coward.”

Struggling to speak. “Why in the hell would you do that?”

Shrugging. “What else was there left to do? I wasn’t going to keep waiting around for you to fall back in love with me. I heard you go out on most nights. I caught you looking at someone the way you used to look at me. Then another. And another. Then I understood you’d never be satisfied. I figured it out and I thought you’d break up with me soon enough, but that was months ago. The moment I dreaded never came. I was tired of waiting and of being in constant fear of losing the one I love, so I took matters into my own hands.”

Softly crying. “Ruben, I don't know what to say. I cared about you... I didn't want to hurt you. I’m just… I’m so, so sorry.”

Angry. “Are you really, though? I have this unshakeable feeling telling me that if you truly cared about me, you would’ve said something about falling out of love instead of going around pretending you don't have a boyfriend waiting for you at home. You would’ve thought of the guy who was in love with you and was hoping to hear you come home!"

Anxious. “I know. I know! I thought about you all the time. I felt terrible. I didn’t want it to end like this, I was going to say something. Every day, I’d plan to sit you down and have a conversation, I swear. But look, we were planning a life together! I was your plan for the future and you were mine… How do you put an end to something so big, Ruben? I didn’t know what to do, and how to do it was something else entirely.”

Hurt. “You always said honesty was the simplest way to make any relationship work, right? And I agreed, and I believed you. And I tried my hardest to follow that rule, for so long. So how the fuck did we end up here, all caught up in lies?”

Nodding. “Yes. I do remember. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. I know I’m a coward, and a hypocrite, and a liar. But please believe me when I say I did love you. And I’m sorry it wasn’t forever.”

That word, forever, stabs Ruben like a dagger to the heart. Why couldn’t it have been forever?

Sighing, standing up. “I’ve got to go home and sleep; you know my flight leaves early tomorrow morning. I sincerely hope you’ll be happy, Joaquin.”

Ruben leaves and there’s a hole inside of Joaquin’s chest, too. Where will he ever find another one like this?