Living the Dream

“There is this ad in the newspaper for people who want to leave their old lives behind and start fresh, I thought about checking it out for the 10^th time.” I said to my friend Candace. The only friend I had left.

               “Oh I heard about that ad, Are you actually considering it?”

“Yeah, I mean why not? I barley have anything left, It seems like my world is never going to change around.” I said with sadness.

“Am I barely anything?” She asked with a hint of bitterness.

I sighed, “That is not what I meant at all. It’s just I’ve lost everything; my job, my family and other close friends I grew up with.” I expressed, “I mean except you. I haven’t lost you. You actually shine a little light onto my crappy life.” I added.

“She put the car in park, “Well, your home. Will I See you tomorrow for the meeting?” She asked. “Also I hope you consider not to do this change, just keep trying, you will eventually get your life back on track.” She said.

               “Yeah, I will be ready by 9 or how else am I going to get my life back on track.” I said uncertain.

               “We will get through this together.” She said as I hoped out of her car.”

               “Thanks, I appreciate you.” I said. Candace smiled then backed out of my drive way.

I walked into my empty apartment complex. It wasn’t in the greatest shape, but it fulfilled the purpose. The silence got under my skin, So I surfed the web for a while before I hopped in the bath to soak in misery. Then the Ad appeared again it read,

               “Do you have a terrible life? Then why wait, Click here for a new refreshed life!” I decided to click the video and watch it once again. Some days I will watch it a lot, other days I will skip on by. I am 50\50 with this commitment.

               “Hi there, you must have a really bummed life to be here and I just would like to say, You came to the best resort any one could ask for! Is your life miserable? Say no more! We have everything you need to turn your life around. Don’t have a job? You’ll get one! Don’t want a job, You won’t have one!” The possibility is limitless. Leave your old life behind, make it better! The catch is, your stuck, you won’t be able to turn back. So what do you say? Your new life is only one click of away.” The video stopped . Then it had a bunch of stuff to read underneath. I skimmed through it for the 20^th time I mean, why not. There was nothing here for me. I don’t even think I could turn my life around if I wanted to, I would be to late.

               I went to soak in the tub to drown out my sorrows. When the water got cold, I would drain it and applied fresh hot water. I closed my eyes and pictured my house filled with laughter from my kids. They would be playing their favorite game hide and seek around this time of day. Some days I would join in and play with them. Lillie, my oldest would hide in many different places. She was a bit harder to find. Leah my youngest daughter would usually hide in the same spot. Her favorite spot was her closet. I would pretend I didn’t know where she was, so when I walked into her room I would check random places and say, “Are you under your bed?” When I checked I would say no. “Are you in your dresser?” I would open her dresser just to be silly and pretend I looked in there and then she would giggle. I would follow it to her closet and open the door, “Found you!” I said. Leah would scream and jump up, “You got me mommy!” then she would give me the biggest hug. How I missed these sounds, how I missed my families presence, but it was my fault had I not had a drinking problem and put my daughters in danger. I completely understood why my husband would keep them away. I would have done the same if it were him. They don’t deserve this kind of life. I let my depression get to me. I got out of the tub and ran to my emergency stash. I grabbed the bottle and ran back to the tub. My fingers were wrinkly from being in the water for so long. My husband don’t understand I have been trying. I’ve been sober for 3 weeks now. He doesn’t call and check on me. He doesn’t invite me out with him and the girls. He don’t understand I need his support still even if it is from afar. I thought these thoughts as I was staring at my full bottle of vodka. When I can see my daughters it’s only for a few hours and they are supervised visitations. Eventually, that breaks a person down. Again I understand it is my fault, but my husband needs to try a little harder with me, but instead he ignores I even exist. I let my depression beat my will power. I opened the liquor bottle and chugged.

               Maybe if I go over there and talk to him, maybe he will listen to me, maybe he would want to seek couples counseling to communicate better. He needs to understand I need him and my daughters support, I can’t do this fully alone. I finally got out of the tub, grabbed my keys and drove to our home. I could have gotten in trouble being caught driving. It was part of my probation that I couldn’t drive. I didn’t care I only had one thing on my mind. I reached our home, a car was there that I never seen before. I walked up to the porch and knocked on the door. A female with short, dark curly hair, red shirt and black jeans answered the door,

               “Hi, Jim is upstairs tucking in his daughters, May I help you?” I am sure she could see bitterness on my face expression by now.

               “Ugh, the real question here is, May I help you? After all, you are the one in my house. Who are you?” I said with saltiness in my voice. The female seemed a bit confused.

               “I am Linda, Jims friend.” Then I could tell something sparked in her mind. “Oh, you must be Lori.” She said. I heard a lot about you.” She mentioned. 

Jim comes walking down the stairs, “Linda who is at the door?” he called down.

               “it’s Lori.” She said.

“Wha…Lori?” he said “As he reaches the bottom of the stairs. “What are you doing here.” He called from behind Linda.

               “What am I doing here?” I interrupted anything else he could have said. “I can ask you why you have another female in our house Jim.” I said with anger. “Also I birthed our children, I have all rights to be here.”

               “Are you drunk?” he asked.

               “Typical of you to say that.” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“You are drunk. He said. “Excuse me Linda.” He steps outside and shuts the door.

               “Explain yourself.” He said.

               “No! you explain yourself.” I said. “I am trying to better myself for me and this family and you go off on dates?” I said sternly.

               “Your really bettering yourself Lori…” He said sarcastically. “You came here drunk.” He stated.

“Yeah, I guess I had a little bit of liquor, but what do you expect. I am depressed. I miss us, I miss our daughters. I came here hoping we could fix this together and your all cooped with another woman on our couch. Have you slept with her in our bed too?” I looked down as tears filled my eyes.

               “Lori, you are over reacting. She is just a friend and I invited her over because I need some company.” He said.

               “Don’t you think, I need some company, some support from you. You don’t call to check up on me anymore. You don’t invite me out with you and the girls.” Tears were running down my face at this point.

               “Because everytime I try to talk to you, it turns into a fight.” He said with frustration.

               “You don’t get it Jim, I need the support of my family.

               “I am sorry.” He said. “If you were doing better, you wouldn’t have been here drunk. It seems like your AA meeting isn’t helping you.” He said.

               “I was sober for 3 weeks, but the lack of support from my husband dragged me down a bit. I was hoping you would still be there even if it was from afar.”

               “Lori, I love you and our daughters need their mother, but you need to get well for yourself first.”

               “Did you just not hear me out?” I said loudly. “I still need support from you!”

               “Listen, We’ve all given you the support. We gave you counseling, Sent you to retreat away from here, gave you intervention, your now in AA meeting and showing up at my house at 7:30 at night drunk. Your family and I have tried everything, now you need to do your part.”

               “No! I can’t do it alone! You as my husband should still call on me and check up on me!.” I pounded on his chest and yelled.

               “Lori, your going to wake the neighbors.”

               “Screw you! Screw the neighbors!” I hopped into my car and drove off.

I was going over the speed limit, but I didn’t care. Luckily my apartment wasn’t to far away from the house. And Thank God, I didn’t get pulled over. I reached the parking lot complex, slammed my door and went up to my apartment. Liquor was the only thing surfacing my mind. When I got home, I ran over to my half finished bottle of vodka and down more, that wasn’t enough and I was lucky to have another bottle hidden. I opened it.

               “Why cant I stop!” I cried to myself.

               “It seems like nothing I do works!” The night of the car crash flashed back in my mind. My girls were in the back seat scared and crying. They were injured , but luckily they survived. Unfortentially, the family I hit didn’t make it out so well. The father survived with serious injuries, the mother and infant didn’t make it. I gulped down my liquor while thinking about it. This was all caused because of my ignorant actions. I’ve done my jail time. I even done all the therapy you could think of and here I am sulking. I can’t let go. I beat myself up every day over what I have done. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve my family. Maybe I truly am to far gone to be helped out of this. I remember the ad from the internet. I ran over to my computer and clicked the save link.

               “I am doing this. There is no stopping me. Good bye cruel, miserable life.” I said. The link sent me to form to fill out.

               “What is it that you want from your new life?” I filled out, I want my family back. I want to live forever with my baby girls.” I quickly filled it out so I could turn in my application. Then I blacked out. I don’t remember anything else after that.

The next morning came and I woke up with a pounding head ache. When I focused my eyes, I couldn’t believe it. I was in a whole new home. Was everything all just a dream? I went into the bathroom to dig out some pain relief for my head ache. If I am here, I must have my girls. I quickly ran out of the room and went to my oldest girls bedroom. The door was shut, but I heard them in their laughing and playing. Relief came through out my whole body. I ran to the kitchen to make their favorite treat, blue berry waffles to surprise them with it. When I got back up stairs I knocked and opened their door. “Leah and Lilly, Mommy made you your fravorite. Blue berry waffles. They just continued to play and said “Thank you Mommy.”

“It’s been forever girls, Don’t you want to come give mommy a hug.” They turned around and I dropped the plate of food. I couldn’t believe it. My kids had no face. They had a body like a little girls, but they had no face. How can I hear them talk. Why can’t I see their beautiful faces. Was I in some sort of nightmare? I ran over to my computer and wrote to the company of “Loose your old life, Come to the new.” In an instant I received a message back.

               “We are sorry for any inconvenience, but, there is no turning back now. We did all that you asked in your description when you filled out the forms.”

               I replied back, yeah you gave me my life, but you gave me faceless daughters. Please change this! My daughters have faces.”

They replied, “We are sorry, you didn’t described how you wanted them to look. You just said, “I want to live forever with my family.” They said. “You were suppose to give very good description of what you wanted and you failed to do that. We cannot do anything for you. We hope you live an enjoyable life with your family as you wished for.”

-Thank you the dream team.

I grunted and scream, I grabbed the computer and threw it against the wall. “So this is what I came to? How can I be so stupid and not add description!” I said loudly to myself.

“You were drunk Lori! You weren’t all there. ” I said loudly! My faceless girls came into the room,

               Lilly my oldest says, “Mommy why are you upset.” I cried and was a bit in fear because they weren’t my real daughters and they had no face, but I still talk as if it was them.

               “Nothing sweetie, Mommy is just having a bad day. Why don’t you all go and play.”

               “Okay mommy.” They giggled and ran off to play some more. This was weird all of this was really strange and I just wished to have my life back. I never had such a craving for liquor like I do now, I went searching through the whole house and nothing. I went to sleep to wake back up to this misery. Every day got worst. My daughters never eat food. I am not sure how they even talked without a mouth. I was literally living a worst night mare then I did in my real life. I couldn’t take it anymore. That night while I tucked my faceless daughters into bed, I went down stairs and grabbed a knife. I stabbed myself into the chest hard. Blood started to pour out everywhere in the kitchen and I fell to the floor. There was nothing I could do to escape, but to kill myself. The next morning, I was shocked. I woke up to my faceless daughter Lilly hovering over me.

“Mommy your sleeping on the floor.” She said. I looked around me. The blood was gone. I was alive, I was still here. How can I escape?” Go play hunny, I said. I ran to the computer I threw on the floor and wrote back to the company.

               “I tried to kill myself yesterday because I am so miserable! I didn’t die. I felt the pain and blood leave my body last night why am I still here? I don’t want to be here anymore! This is worst then my old life!”

They replied back quickly, “You said you wanted to live with your family forever, You cannot escape this.”

               -Enjoy your life and thank you for choosing us, The Dream team.

The nights grew longer, my life was worst then it ever has been. Every night, I tried to off myself, but I always ended up here. This is where I live now. I wished I wasn’t so stupid. I wish I never took my old life for granted. I wish I hadn’t signed my soul over to this. I could have done more then what I did in my old life, instead I tried to take the easy way out, to only live more miserable then what I really was. Here I am to stay forever in no point of return.