With a trembling hand, I reach for my cell phone deep within my worn tote. Pockets stretched to their limits over the years with bottles, toys, books, and diapers. But the bag worked. There was no need for leather or on-brand bags anymore. A stark difference from what I thought I needed before my life as a mother.
I squeeze the cool to my touch cell phone and slide it up my leg closer to my chest. I never take my eyes off of him. How could I? His face, after all these years, has accompanied me in most of my dreams good or bad. Some days I counted down the hours in hopes we would reunite. Some mornings I woke to an emptiness deep within when the dreams of him did not come. Those were the hard days. The days I dragged through my morning coffee and school drop-off line.
Even though older, his face still holds the same serious expression just as I remember. I text my friend alerting her to my sighting while trying to build up the courage to go to him. Of course, after thirty seconds of not responding I dial her. Pushed through to voicemail, she must be working. I needed her to say, “Go to him. Talk to him.”
I push my rickety grocery cart a safe thirty feet away from him while plucking random food products and adding them to the growing inventory. My carefully curated list went right out the window, but this was worth it.
I take a few deep breaths and walk towards him. Fleeting memories of our time together replay in my mind. The beach, the movies, the camping trip where he taught me how to fish.
“Jack, is that you?” I can’t believe I just said that. Of course, it is him and that is the cheesiest thing I think I have ever said. I can feel the heat move from the back of my neck into my face. If I could melt into a puddle and disappear I would.
“Um, hello.” His voice sounds the same. I watch his blue eyes skim over me. He squints his eyes and cocks his head. It’s enough to take my breath away. I immediately feel drunk on love or maybe lust, whatever it is it makes me feel alive.
“I can’t believe after all these years we are running into each other like this.” I pull the hair out of my face and push it behind my ear. “I heard you had moved to the east coast. Have you moved back?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know that?” His voice dips a bit lower sending a shiver down my spine.
“Cat told me. I run into her frequently during school functions. Both of our boys are in the second grade. Wow, this is so crazy. We should grab a coffee and catch up.” His shoulders stiffen and he takes an obvious step backward.
“Oh, you know my sister Cat.” He lets out a long breath. The ends of his mouth move upward into a devilish grin.
“Of course, I do. We did all live on Bartlett Lane. We were in the same grade. Why, wouldn’t I?” Jack would often drive us both to school when we missed the bus practicing our make-up techniques by looking at our reflection in the garage window.
“What’s your name again?” He asks somewhat with a hint of annoyance maybe because I’ve kept tabs on him after all this time. Do I know too much about him?
“Jack you are funny. You’ve always had a great sense of humor much like your sister.” I laugh and instantly feel sick. His face shows no sign of joking. My heart thuds against my chest in quick bursts. How can this be happening?
“I’m sorry. You do look familiar. I’m just bad with names. I mean it has been a long time since I’ve been back here. Almost fifteen years...everything is so different yet the same.” He adjusts his stance and places both hands on the handlebar like he’s ready to run.
“Of course.” I fight back the tears pooling behind my eyes. “My name is Andrea. You called me Andy. Anyway, we all used to hang out together. We went on a few dates.” The palms of my hands begin to sweat. I watch his tan forearms flex under the weight of my words. That’s when I feel my chest crack and my heart splinter.
The thought of this man, our memories, and my feelings for him got me through some dark times. He was my ray of light when everything else was dark. Without even knowing who I am he pushed me to get out of a failed marriage and back on my feet. I idolize him and he wouldn’t know me from a stranger on the street.
“Okay. Wow, that was so long ago, Bartlett Lane.” He clears his throat while rocking the cart back and forth.
An uncomfortable stillness settles between us. The reality of the situation renders me silent. I wish I could go back to admiring him from afar. Here I am trying to digest my dose of reality after all these years.
“Well, it was great running into you, Andrea. My wife is in the car I told her I’d be quick. I’m sure I’ll see you around and, I promise to remember your name next time.” He offers me a genuine smile. I return the gesture.
“Great. Have a good day, Jack.”
“You, too, Andy.”
That feels impossible as my trunk tightens while holding on to the sob that desperately wants to escape my body. Jack gave me so much to strive for, or so I thought he did. He made me want better or more. The Jack that lives in the confines of my brain was not the man I ran into today.
Nor will he be the voice that keeps me moving toward the light. I am strong enough to do that all on my own. Tonight, when I drift off to dreamland, I will let go of the prince charming I had so much admired, the man I thought I needed.
He didn’t get me out of an abusive relationship, I did.
He didn’t land the job I yearned for, of I did.
Tonight, I want to dream about my next adventure, alone.
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1 comment
I have enjoyed reading your story. I believe you well enacted a dramatic moment in the life of a young girl, now an adult.
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