A love that was never there.

Well this story is about my chasing a love that was never there.

My name is Tim. My story starts when my mother died of cancer when I was about 6 months. When my mother was in her death bed she asked members of her family to try and get me away from my father. They went to my father's work and told him that they wanted me and he refused to give me up, so they decided to find me at the babysitters and kidnapped from him.

I was raised by my aunt for almost 15 years until she decided to send me off and abandon me in a mental hospital for children when I was 15 years old. For 14 years she raised me like I was her own until we moved from Chicago to Tennessee. I remember the best birthdays and Christmases she gave me and her son Joe who was the only brother I have ever known

After we moved to Tennessee I was sent away about 2 years later. Sure I was having a hard time adjusting to the move but I wasn't a problem kid just made bad judgement calls. I was 15 years old. Anyway, I remember as clear as day the day I was told I was getting sent away.

I was sitting by at home watching TV and heard a knock on the door. It was the juvenile probation officer and I wasn't even on probation. I didn't get into trouble., I never went in front of a judge etc. I was told I was being sent away the next day a d I couldn't do anything about it.

I was sent to a mental hospital in Memphis TN. I had no idea about this place. I was told I would be there for 45 days, so I agreed. I was left without a phone call or visit,not even a pair of socks for over 7 months. I was totally abandoned by my family. I was devastated by this. I really don't think she had any idea about this place because I was treated like a mental person. I remember being put through every test known to man. I remember being put through the ink blot test, I remember having to go group therapy at least 4 times a day with juvenile child molesters. ( I watched them get released before me) I was put in padded cells, strapped to a bed for days at a time, having my hands strapped to my sides for days being fed by another person. The whole time no one, not even my therapist talked to me about my family and why I was left. I never had a family session, barely had a phone call if I didn't demand it and if I didn't get one I would act out and they would be strap me to a bed and give me a shot of thorazine, which would make me a zombie for at least two days. I couldn't even feed myself. I don't think this place was checked out very well because it scarred me for a long time. The only thing I left with was being called ugly and the company one that lied the most.

Well I guess insurance wouldn't pay anymore because I was going home which I thought.

My Aunt came back and got me and I was thinking I was coming back home but that wasn't the case at all. She had already found bed space in another home. I couldn't believe it, all I wanted was to come home. I begged and pleaded to no avail. All she did was tell me how nice it was and all I said was that wasn't going to stay.

A couple days later I was taken to another home for boys in Nashville TN. To make this story short I escaped 3 days later with another boy and wound up stealing a brand new truck and wreaking it about 50 yards away. Heck I didn't even know how to drive. Yes I got into trouble and it costs my aunt over 2000 dollars.

After that incident I went to the bad boyt homes and still I received no visits, phone calls, or letters and this went on for another 3 years. I frequented every type of boys homes in the state of Tennessee in a period of 3 years I would say probably about 10 of them.

I remember not getting visits when the other children went home every weekend. I remember celebrating Christmas with strange families who felt sorry for me. I spent 3 years of my teenage years in homes for boys. I remember the bad boys homes vwas really rough because the kids were very mean. I remember doing a lot of fighting to defend myself, in there was the only thing to do

I was finally a taken home by another family that I do believe really loved me. Her son was in the home with me and we became friends with him and he asked his mom if she could be get me out and she did. I love them still to this day even though I messed it up because I still wanted the love from my family and to just go home. I didn't last 6 months and got c sent away again .

Well, I am going end this story by saying that I ruined my life chasing a love that never existed. I am now 50 years old and still with no family. I have been abandoned for life from every member of my mother's family for reasons I will never know .

I have lived a life without a mother or father. I will probably die and never know my family on my father's side. I have spent over 30 years either incarcerated or homeless and strung out. I went to prison in to different states before I was 25. I spent 10 years from the day I was sent away by my aunt,from 1985 to 1995.

My life is different now. I am not homeless anymore, no drugs or alcohol, not in prison anymore. I am doing online courses in college with a 3.4 GPA. I am doing other good things also but I still do everything alone except with the help of God. I do have a girlfriend that loves me,so I can be loved. I have made it through everything life had to throw at me but I messed my life up chasing a love that was never there. I just wish it wouldn't have taken vso long. It could have saved me a few felonies, a few years off the street, and a few less years strung out on drugs. I just wanted the love back that she gave me before she sent me away

My aunt before she sent me away was a good mother. I am not going to take that away from her because she made a mistake. I just hate that I had to suffer from that mistake. Heck , I still have no drivers license and I have never taken a drivers license test. The state doesn't offer extras.

Well here my story. I hope you enjoy the reading. God bless.