Breathe In, Breathe Out

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I lay on the floor, eyes closed, music blasting in my ears. I’ve always used music as an escape. The same thing that moves me, awakens me and makes me feel alive, is the thing that centers me and puts me at ease. I bop my ankles to the beat, my head nodding along as I feel the white cord graze my neck and fall by my shoulder connecting to the phone that rests besides me. I imagine myself at a concert, hopping around, fists pounding in the air as incredible colorful sounds are emitted by the instruments for me to absorb. Pure happiness.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

My bones sink into the cold, hardwood floor and for one second I am unable to move. My skin is alert and buzzing with electricity. I can feel my chest thumping. 

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

My rib cage expands, filling with delicious air, and then softens as my mouth releases a hiss. I’ve been here before, I’ve done this many times. It never gets easier but I don’t want it to. I massage the back of my head on the floor, slowly shaking it right and left. My heart is pounding almost as loudly as the music in my ears.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Time to get up. My eyes flash open; my vision is crisp, it focuses on the barn-like stained ceiling above me. White tiles are placed together like puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit. A small grey fan churns the humid air around me to a steady beat. My chest matches the fan’s rhythm.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I rip the earphones out and let them fall weakly to my side as the music desperately, and to no success, tries to escape the little white speakers. All I hear is faint clicking. I fish for my phone and hit pause on my screen; that same song will be replayed tomorrow. I peel my head and neck off the ground and make my way to standing. The ground is so far away, I almost feel tall. I shimmy my shoulders and shake my head once more. This time the shake is more intense; I’m no longer trying to massage but trying to release. The buzzing of my skin doesn’t stop. The pounding in my chest doesn’t stop. Everything intensifies, nothing releases. 

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I take a few steps to the mirror that extends over the wall. I usually avoid eye contact at all costs, even my own. There is something so intimate and intruding about it, almost like you can see inside of someone without their permission. This time I look; I give myself permission to. Big, round, brown eyes stare right back at me. They’re painted with browns, whites and golds, framed by a long thin black line and surrounded by sticky and thick eyelashes. There’s a lot of weight carried in those eyes; tiredness, nerves, excitement, anxiety, hunger, desire, fear, passion. All compacted in two irises. My lips part ways and my mouth widens until the corners can no longer stretch. A loud, “Aaaaahh” escapes. Then back to that same heavy-eyed, stoic face. The heaviness distends from my eyes to my cheeks, traveling down my neck into my arms and into my fingers. A sharp tingle causes them to twitch. My skin is still buzzing.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I bend my knees, and my feet leave the floor. As I fly I’m transported back to the first time I entered a room like this one. I was four years old. Young, intoxicated with anticipation and so mindlessly happy. Unable to understand the amount of work, sweat, pain, frustration and love I would need to keep me coming back. Yet I came back. Each time more certain that the one before but never able to let go. Never knowing how to release all the nerves. My feet return to the ground, and I’m back. Still facing the mirror, I pick up my dusky lipstick and carefully coat my lips. I brush my cheeks with a rosy powder, then place a hand under my collar bone. The pounding continues.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

One final look, then I’m out the door. A dense silence surrounds me. My bare feet now feel the cold, dusty ground beneath them. Not wanting to break the soundless air, I tip toe up the stairs. A shiver runs up my spine.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I find a door ahead of me and softly turn the knob. I squeeze through the small opening trying to let as little brightness as possible follow me in. Loud orchestral music fills the dark space but I cannot see. A blink of light catches my attention and I carefully follow it. I see the black curtains and am welcomed by more lights. Bodies blearily move in gliding motions in front of me but as my gaze starts to focus on them, I lose them behind a panel of darkness. I turn my head to the right and am overwhelmed by the countless shadows that fill the infinite sheet of blackness.

Breathe in, breathe out.

The music stops. A roar erupts from the sea of dark shadows. The thumping in my chest soon submerges the noise until it’s all my ears hear.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I close my eyes once again. Underneath the beating of my heart I hear muffled footsteps. Then a few laughs, and some more clapping.

Breathe in, breathe out.

When my eyelids open, I am, once again, surrounded by nothing and everything at the same time.

Breathe in, breathe out.

“Places,” a voice whispers behind me.

One more deep breath in. One more deep breath out.

It’s time. An invisible force shoves me past the black curtains into the void. My eyes are fixed on my feet but I know I’m completely exposed, for all to see.

I lift my head and am immediately engulfed into a bright, hot beam of light. 

I grin. It’s showtime.