rain pours down on us as fiercely as my feelings for her. wet and cold, alone and vulnerable. we are all the things we tried so hard not to be. there she stands, this tall, pronounced, beautiful woman. her red curls dampened to a light brown, her pink, accentuated nose pointing upward, her full lips protruding outward, the freckles scattered across her face barely visible. I know who she is, I have heard of her spirit, her kindness, her enthusiasm.
"hey!" she screams over the rain. I point toward the school building and beckon her inside. it is clear she is not going home any time soon.
and so we talk. we talk but really I just see her mouth moving, her voice almost singing but no words really register. I am too dumbstruck to really care.
I notice the dimples that form when she smiles, i notice the deep green of her eyes that is so unique it might as well be its own universe. I feel her vibrate and radiate her energy, a strong electrifying force connects me with her. It is as if i have already known her all my life and that she is already mine. She is mine to hold and mine to love and mine to laugh with.
but then her eyes darken, and I give her all my attention. I give her as much advice as I can offer, and find myself spilling my own sad truths.
"I'm leaving," she announces, "tomorrow."
my heart sinks at the news. here I had finally found someone I clicked so well with, someone I was looking forward to seeing. and now she is leaving. just like everybody else.
but instead of falling into a pit of self-sympathy and despair I conclude that I am going to tell her how I feel before she leaves. I may have only just met her but i might never see her again, and that scares me more than anything else.
"I have to go," she says finally, getting up and walking out.
I follow her into the rain and find myself waving goodbye. this is it. it is now or never.
"wait!" I croak.
I cry as I look into her eyes and watch her gaze soften. there is no turning back now, once I say what I am about to, it will be out in the world forever. and it will be real. so, so real. I can not deny my feelings for her any longer.
"I love you!" I choke.
a silence follows. and even though she does not say it out loud, I know she feels mutual. it is as if she plays a silent chord in her heart, and I hear the whole piano. and then, as if my soul and mind leave my body, I step toward her. rain impinging against my skin, I walk steadily. and without thinking, I land my lips on hers.
I know I have caught her by surprise. but god, her sweet scent fills my mouth. blesses my heart. She pushes back firmly, gracefully, sweetly.
I feel so powerfully for her. I feel such great love for her, I have to hold onto her jaw just to stay vertical.
her skin is one with mine,
her lips are connected to me.
it is as if this moment is what I was made for.
a part of me has been nourished, finally, after so long.
she is the missing puzzle piece in my heart. I feel her, pulsing through my veins,
I breathe her,
I am in sync with her.
we are one.
electricity flows from her to me, the chemistry is undeniable. the rain does not bother us. we are two souls joining alas, becoming unified. our kiss is
perfect and wrong,
soft and firm,
long overdue but perfectly timed.
the petrichor emanating from the wet earth does nothing but fuel my spirit and encourage me to push further in.
the trees dance,
the wind howls,
the rain pounds,
the ground rumbles.
and rumbles, my heart.
the sound of thunder emits from the sky. our kiss is chaotic and fruitful. it has caused the heaven and earth to rejoice.
our kiss makes the world go mad.
I am afraid to let her go. I am afraid to lose the intimacy,
what if I let go and all hell breaks loose? what if I let go and she runs away? what if I let go... at all? will I ever be the same? will she?
I grab her hair and tug her away from me, urging myself to fall out of the trance. it is like when the sun finally sets and the world becomes dark. all those hues and patterns of colors have faded and the reality of your life is weighed down on you. the darkness is huge and infinite. it chokes you, swallows you until you are nothing but a beating heart in a quaking hand.
the rain slows,
the wind calms to a whisper,
the trees shrink away.
the magic is over. the curtains have closed.
I have done it. I have kissed her, finally, gracefully,
as I look into her eyes I know she is afraid and uncertain. I cry and push past her. what I have just done is wrong. what I have just done is real.
and real means commitment.
I steal one last look at her. she is standing still, her face in her hands. she sticks her hand in her chest and yanks out her heart. she squeezes it until blood pushes out. she breaks with every beat,
soon she is nothing but a bloody puddle on the ground, washed away by the rain, and my betrayal. I sob and keep going far,
far away from
what I want,
what I desire,
who I love.