A Life In the Mirror

TW: abuse, suicide, death

What We Saw

The world is filled with many unexplainable phenomena, questionable happenings.

We all have beliefs we live by as if we can’t actually live without it. Based on that, we give assumptions. even if they have nothing to do with us; in bad or good ways, we would feel obliged to fear or find salvation in them. 

It doesn’t matter, to be reasonable, as reality fall in the hand of our beliefs with narrow fence, it’s hard to notice that we fall out of common senses; we think it’s our right to be judgmental, to take action becoming the judge and the jury. It feels like we are all waiting for the one thing that come to destroy the entire world as for some the one thing coming is save it and anything unexplainable is it.

I don’t understand some sayings for it feels too general, like the explanation is far from grasp, to any general apprehension. ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ they say. Well, somethings feel like they happen for no reason at all. Perhaps reasons we can’t explain. After all, we think we need explainable understanding for everything. We think sharing visions and listening to the same things would make us feel less insane, as if insanity is something we don’t experience, even for a fraction of seconds in time, or couple of minutes.

Mimical response is what we get from a mirror; simple job to a reflector and done best. Rays of light from an object strike the smooth surface of a reflector to play boomerang at the same angle, reflecting photons as a mirror image... What else can a mirror do, except reflect our own doing in an instant moment? 

Many would say otherwise, explain quite the opposite. Mirror can do much more than reflecting our own image; it is a gate way to another world, to a world we desire to open the door to, or perhaps a door to another being, from the other side, that want to open a way into ours.

“It’s crazy, impossible,” I would love to say, if this was long time ago before the story, I am about to share with you, happened. I don’t know how to explain it, but it is the only creepy unexplainable phenomena that ever happened around me, in quite a close distance.

I don’t know how to introduce myself, but the good start would be I am sometimes a girl and sometimes the girl. I am sociable but on my spare time; over gatherings and some celebrations, everyone wants to have me around. I am slightly insane to explain the meaning for ‘the girl’; I love dancing and talking, I can make carnivals feel wormer under the open air, and no fire can beat the warmness coming from laughter and a lot of dancing.

“Hana, here,”

“Hana, let’s dance,”

“Hana...” carnivals are the only time I hear my name over used and the next day I see every one trying to get away from my chatting, my name is under used and I am debased from the girl to a girl, just like that. I am used to being used in two different ways for different occasions and I don’t mind it.

I am Hana born in Ethiopia and I am occasionally the girl and most the time a girl. This isn’t a story about myself but a story about my neighbor who turned in a snap of a finger, from a useful to a useless man.

Tame, Tamerat, is... sorry, was a kind man who was kind of quiet. Growing up I used to think I would marry him, since I thought opposite attracts; I talk a lot driving everyone around me away and he was quiet. I used to say that we can balance what we miss in each other’s life.

That didn’t happen, we both grew up fine, but fine I turn out to be as I grow into maturity and he falls out of it. His life started early, before we took the national exam; he ran away from home stilling large amount of money from his father, to travel with his friends, abroad. It wasn’t a pleasant journey, illegal and rough on every sense I can imagine... I heard.

He was brought back home after six years; I already graduated, and was looking for a job; he was looking for salvation, a way to be fine and back to his fine self. He came back losing his mind. He said it took him a while to regain consciousness to tell the people who found him in the desert wondering round. They helped him find his way back to Ethiopia feeling sorry for him and the situation he was into. Even though he still thinks he is fine and is back home, safe and sound, I doubt if he actually finds his way back home. He is always going right where he is standing by and the going was getting hard on him with each passing day in his life.

He would walk out only to see peoples see him confused and or in fear. After all, who wouldn’t fear or feel odd towards someone who would walk out with coat and tie and no pants. Sometimes, socks and shoe on but nothing on top. I still can’t understand how he can’t feel the wind on his skin to remind him that he is actually naked. I would eke wonder that nakedness is in the mind and we wouldn’t mind anything if our mind is set on it.

Peoples reaction and floods of questions seemed to aggravate his situation, and in addition, the nonstop day to day flood of time seems to keep him in home. Well, at first, I thought that was the case he stopped coming out.

I one day ran into his mother as I was going out and I greeted her. She was growing sadder as she was growing older.

“How are you, Ema?” I always address her Mom (Ema), for I thought I was going to marry him, but anyways, even though it was clear it was never to happen, I already grew into it that it was hard to grow out of it just like that.

“How are you my child?” she looked into my eyes she then imprisoned me in her worm embrace and I felt her imprisoned sadness in her body transferring into mine.

“Is he okay, Tame?” I asked her holding her arm’s length and she pressed her lips as she shook her head. I slowly press on my chest as I feel my heart sinking in deep sadness.

“Every morning, he would wake up and get dressed in good spirit, he greets me off as if he is leaving. I thought he was going out for days, but I keep seeing him coming out his room and greet me as if he just come back from where ever he spent his day.”

“Is he using the window to leave the house?” I asked her confused.

“No,” she blew stream of air as she shook her head. “I one day walked into his room as he greets me off and I saw him standing there, before his dressing mirror. Month, it’s been a month and he is still doing the same thing. I asked some of the villagers to help me take him to the church... we did but nothing. It’s like he is sleeping and a sleep he enjoys dearly. Your mom also knew. She helped.”

“Is he...?” I didn’t even complete my sentence to ask her. She simply nodded and I deepen my furrow line. “May I see him, maybe he needs old friend?” I asked and she agreed. She dropped out of the thought of to where she was heading to as I also did and we walked back to their house. I was eager to visit him, talk to him.

She was right, he was there, standing though there was a chair in his room, dressed and groomed well, he even seemed well, calm, but he was standing before his dressing mirror. Doing nothing but staring back at his fine reflection, back at that handsome figure from the other side, a figure I recall from back in the days.

I spent the rest of my day in the house waiting for him to return from where ever his mind traveled to. I wanted to speak to him, understand him and if possible, help him return home. I did my very best; calling his name, yanking him, but he was still and I had to stay and wait for him.

Ten forty the clock said and he breathes loud as if he is back to life again. He turns around and smiled as he sees me looking at him lost, in thought where he might have lost himself.

“Oh, how are you, Hana?” he greeted me and walked past me and get the door. Oh, my eyes were opened beyond what thy can, in fear of him. “Mom, I’m home,” he says and I slowly turn to see him, but again I walked to the dressing mirror to look into it. “I missed your talks,” he giggles as if nothing happened. He simply took a sit on the chair I was on.

“We missed you too,” I look at myself in the mirror and there was I and him behind me, nothing was there to see but our own reflection. I slowly touched the mirror mirroring our own image and I look at him through it looking at me quizzically. “I think,” I breathed long and he tilted to his left. “I think we need to talk; you should tell me about everything. Your mom is worried about you,” I was only hoping to sound like everything is okay as I simply hop on to a subject.

That was all I saw, both his mom and I were able to see, the mirror he stood before and the mirror was simply doing what it is best at, reflecting our own reflection.

I’m working

“I’m working, with those I owe my life for,” he answered to me and I shrug. His mother has already served supper for both of us, in his room, and seeing him finally feeling chatty was a relief for her.

“Who are they, how... please tell me everything?” I begged him and for a while he stays quiet.

“Okay,” he sits back as he looked in to my eyes. I was sitting on the edge of his bed looking at him before me on a seat.

His room is just as I remembered it; clean, a chair, bed, dressing mirror and the wardrobe. He always cleans his space on his own, he was quite a private man.

“You are the only person who ever treated me normal, so I will tell you about everything, just listen and don’t judge.” I nodded. Oh, how I wish I shook my head then. “I hope you haven’t forgotten Keri, Melkam...”

“It’s hard to forget your friends who hated me for you,” I rolled my eyes as I recall their face. I would leave him a message to call me and if there’s no recall then they are with him. I would leave a message to visit me... a lot.

“I went with them, we had more than needed amount of money for the travel.” He started. “It wasn’t easy, there was quiet the ups and downs and though quietness isn’t something that bothered me quiet place wasn’t what I was used to. The desert was quite a quiet place when you’re tired. And it kills you in here, slowly,” he pointed to his head. “All there is the deafening wind in your ears at night and during the day you can hear your friends or other’s painful moaning for water or a momentary rest.

I have seen many of them dying and we simply walked past them like life doesn’t matter. Those who would lead the way wouldn’t give a dame when they drink water before you, quenching their thirst, or you would have to witness them quenching their need as they take turns piling on top of one of the traveling ladies. You would actually understand that money can’t do you no good in some places; we were like a powerful person who were powerless at the same time.

They know when to act; just as we started to run lose on the rationing, they start showing power. Some money can buy you some power, but a lot of money can buy a power up on you.” He brushed his head roughly and looked into my eyes. “They figured we had money, a lot... so they decided we stay in the desert. As much as we wanted to live the desert to the next step, we actually faced hard time to stay alive. Our life was jeopardized and the thing we thought was to save us became the thing to get us killed. One mid night, three men woke me up, yank me to run with them and I did, but in distance they showed me that my friends were getting killed, I made a deal with them, I had no many but I was to pay them serving them for a while.” silence followed and I waited. The story was getting hard on him and I was crying to those friends of his, that I once hated.

“I followed them to their house; heaven in distance but it was filled with more agony closer. I was more like a slave and I wasn’t even to see them in the eye. I wash their close, clean the houses, fetch water, cook, bring woods from the wood’s miles away in the wild, start fire, serve... the crueler would bash me with their rough lash the cruelest would whip me several times till my skin pill off and my cloth is ripped and I bleed. The good ones would share their left over and I would sleep with their sheep’s in need of warmness to the cold air. It wasn’t easy and the days were changing into months and the months into years until one day one of the man who rescued me said that it was time for me to go home. He walked me for miles and as we reached to a village in the desert from distance, he greeted me off and I walked.

It felt and seemed close from where he showed me but it was miles away; I walked and walked, until my feet bleed but nothing. Three days and just when I thought I was about to die a woman ceased me and helped me, patched me back into one peace, I told her I am from Ethiopia and she had her brother help me back home.”

I hugged him and cried for hours. I went back home but came back the next day, in the afternoon, for more. I wanted to know about the deal with the peoples since it felt like it wasn’t just that, as I also want to know the deal with the mirror. I waited for him to wake back home and wake from the sleep he does as he stands. The usual, greeting to me and his mom and story time while on supper.

“What was the deal about?” I asked to set our self on track.

“My deal to work for them started and ended there,” he answered. “But months back, one of the men who saved me came to me as I was walking out the house,” he smiled. “He offered me a job, a proper job,” he nodded. “Simple; I pick up letters and deliver them to the addresses.”

“Where?” I asked him in fear.

“In their home land, I always went there for work. I know my way around well, it’s easy for me; I have to be dressed well and be well mannered. It’s been a month.”

“How do you get there?” I asked hesitantly.

“How do you think; didn’t you see my car in the compound?” he asked me to my confusion. “They provided me that. That’s how I get there, I drive myself.”

“Tame, what car?” I ask in worry. “You always stand in front of that mirror in the morning... the rest of the day and...”

“Shut up!” he barked at me and I yelped in my seat.

“You can follow me out now, and see the car you claim they give you, come,” I begged him. though he was hesitant he wanted to prove me wrong. It was as if he was dead as he walked out with me in their compound. There was nothing but his father’s car. He stays quiet and dead pan for a while and he simply walked back inside straight to his room and he placed his seat in front of the mirror and took a seat.

“Sorry about everything, Tame,” I utter and he look up to me on his right. “I’ll come back tomorrow, we’ll have the entire day together,” I smiled sad as my right hand pressed on his shoulder on my way out.

“Mister,” he holds me and I turn to look down at him. “I’ll miss you dear, dear,” he presses a smile and I frown. “I’ve opened my eyes,” he turned to look at it and I shook my head. “I’m afraid if I want to come back as I was afraid of knowing that everything I saw wasn’t here. On this side.”

“Would you like me staying the night?”

“Good night,” he said to me and I nod as I walk out.

It was a good bye I misunderstood until in the morning, his mother’s screaming woke the entire neighborhood up. I never went there, I was scared. He was a sleep before the mirror, a sleep he never woke up from.