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Trigger warning: depictions of suicide
Where are you?
10 minutes.
Ellie Ferend is a normal girl. She turned 15 about a week ago. She's a sophomore in high school. Her grades aren't incredible, but they're enough to make me proud. She has a few friends, even though she was very shy in middle school. As far as I know, she's doing great. I embarrassed her plenty of times, but I know that she loves me a lot. Her smile shows it. It isn't fake, I can tell.
20 minutes.
I'm Ellie's mom. I may not be fun or cool, but I don't really care. As long as I am a mom, I'm happy. It wasn't very fun at first, but she grew on me. She also grew taller. Have I mentioned how tall she is now? I thought that each day with her was so long, yet now that the years have passed, I find myself missing her more and more. I guess that's how it is with every parent.
1 hour.
Ellie's such an amazing girl. I know that I called her normal, but the more I think about it, the prouder I am of her. It's so hard to deal with the stress of school, but she's got good grades. It's so hard to grow up, but she's so much kinder than I was at her age. She's so amazing, I want to cry.
A woman lies on the floor, items strewn around her, sobbing and mumbling to herself.
2 hours.
Every day, Ellie walks home from school. It's a five minute walk, so I know if she's late. Sometimes she takes a while because of traffic, sometimes she's in a bad mood, but she always gets home quickly. She's never been too upset before, so I'm sure she'll be home soon.
3 hours.
I'm a little worried now, but I've enlisted some help, so I'm sure we'll find her soon. She must be really upset about something, I shouldn't scold her when she gets home. She needs my love right now, I'm sure.
4 hours
Please tell me she's fine. She's never been this late before, and no one is finding her. Please just tell me she went with a friend and forgot to tell me. Please please please.
A police officer quietly closes the door of the house, sympathetic but unfazed.
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i don't care if shes completely fine anymore, just tell me if she's alive
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not even the police can find her
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god damn it please just tell me shes alive the fucking police are so useless please please please please please please please
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nononononononononononononono
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1 day. The woman's tears stained lines on her face. The police are long gone. She's fast asleep, almost peaceful.
She won't be peaceful when she wakes up.
"We found her body. She committed suicide."
Where are you?
Where am I? Heaven? Hell? Who knows. Who even gives a shit anymore. It's over. I know that you loved me, and I loved you too. But... you didn't know me at all. My thoughts were so much worse than my actions. You didn't know how I talked with my friends, you didn't know the people who hurt me, you didn't know about my life at all. I don't blame you, either. After all, I was too scared to tell you. I don’t know why. There’s no reason for me to be scared. It might not even be fear. Maybe I just thought you couldn’t do anything. It doesn’t even matter anymore, but there’s one thing left. There are a few things I’d like to tell you.
1. I’m not a good person. You might think that I am, but I’m really not. I made fun of my friends, I swore and raged, I wasn’t nice.
2. You’re not a great mom. I loved you, but you would complain about everything I did. Even if it was a joke, it still hurt.
3. I don’t regret my decision at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure that no one besides you will care. Not the police, not my “friends”, no one. Actually, I told everyone that I was going to commit suicide. My teachers, my classmates, everybody. No one ever told me not to.
That’s pretty much it. Bye.
A girl sits with a gun in her hands. After a couple of hours, she had found the perfect spot. She wasn’t afraid at all. Nothing was particularly amusing about the situation, but she smiled as she wondered what would happen after she pulled the trigger. She pulled out her phone and smiled at her mom’s frantic texting. She swallowed, and suddenly she was crying. Tears rolled down her face, dripping onto the gun, shining brightly. She dropped it and tried to wipe away the tears, but they kept coming.
“I don’t care if I’m a bad person,” she sobbed. “I just want to have a good life. I want real friends, and no bullies, and an actual life.”
She wailed and pounded the ground with her fists.
“PLEASE, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?”
Silence.
“I don’t even care that I have it easy compared to others. I’m a pussy, a fraud, a piece of shit, I want to be spoiled. I don’t care that I’m a bad person, just make someone else go through this. I’ve dealt with this for my entire life, can’t someone else taste it for once?”
The tears stopped coming. She clenched her fists and bit her tongue. Her eyes flared and she shook.
“Taste it. The shattering of a will. You feel that coursing through your body? That’s the rage I feel every second of my life. Are your eyes tearing up? Are you afraid? I’ve held back for 15 years now.”
She relaxed. Her eyes glazed over.
“Doesn’t matter anyway. Everything ends here for me.”
A sudden gunshot sounded across the peaceful town.
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2 comments
Fantastic. Beautifully written.
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Leo - Thank you for sharing your story. This was a really deep subject with a lot of extreme emotions. I felt like you were just getting into your stride at the end where she was talking about her rage and how she could taste it. The phrase "the shattering of a will" was very powerful and intriguing. I almost wish the story had started here. The guts of this story is understanding the daughter's mind, and the mother's section seemed like a very long intro. Obviously, just my thoughts. Keep writing!
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