Welcome to Blagnorff

Greetings, Earthlings, and welcome to Blagnorff, a division of Pbbt! Industries. All hail Blagnorff! Pbbt!

We are pleased as punch that our planet and your planet have entered into a mutually beneficial trade agreement, which includes our newly formed Department of Earth Resources here at our head office on exoplanet TNT4-5Q. And you should take great pride in being the first Earthlings to…hold on a moment…okay, I’m now being told that “Earthlings” is an offensive term and that I am “worse than Hitler,” whatever that means. I am now to refer to you as “Fellow Travelers.” I am truly sorry if I offended anyone. Let’s start over.

Greetings, Fellow Travelers! I am your Director of Earth Resources and it’s my job to help you get acclimated to your new positions at Blagnorff. All hail Blagnorff! Pbbt! My name is impossible to pronounce in your native tongue without punching yourself hard in the throat, so I have chosen a common, easy-to-remember name that came up the most often during my extensive research of your planet’s Internet. You can call me Dick!

We want to make you feel at home here on our little exoplanet, especially since there is no chance of returning to your home planet. In addition to the astronomical cost, there’s a fifty-fifty chance you’d come out the other end like play-dough through a star-shaped extruder. It’s not pretty but hey, that’s first-generation technology for you. Frankly, I’m amazed that we lost only two of you on the journey here…what? Okay, so apparently you weren’t supposed to know about that. Fellow Travelers, can I ask you to stand perfectly still and not blink for two seconds? Great! As I was saying, now that you have all arrived safe and sound, let’s get this orientation started, shall we?

First, congratulations on being the cream of the crop! We only hire the best workers from each galaxy in our territory, and out of the millions of applications we received from your planet, you were the only ones to pass our rigorous screening process. Of course a lot of applicants dropped out once they found out things like holodecks, lightsabers and sentient, wisecracking robots aren’t real. Or that they wouldn’t be allowed to bring along their alcohol, firearms, or emotional support animals, aka “pets.” Our that our sex organs are incompatible with yours. Or that they’d still have to pay taxes even though they will never set foot on Earth again. That last one only applies to the Americans. Sorry, but your Negotiators insisted on adding that to your contracts. I can see why you left Earth - just kidding! Anyway, out of all the remaining applicants, you guys were the only ones who didn’t have any illegal substances in your system. By that I mean substances that are illegal here. Without getting into the boring details, they are mostly found in your average vape pen. Having one of those in your possession could get you transferred to Flagnorff Industries. Trust me, you’d rather get sucked into a black hole than work there! Now who’s ready to talk about their exciting new careers?

The Department of Earth Resources has three career paths – Assembly, Sales, and Management. You have all been assigned the job that is best suited to your skill set based on the results of your brain scans. I see a hand raised, which I understand is a signal that you wish to say something. What brain scans? The ones you voluntarily submitted to during your first interview. Gotta read those consent forms all the way to the end!

Anyway, look at your badges. If you have a green badge, you are smart, competent, and a hard worker. You’ll be in Assembly. Your job is to pack the widgets for shipment to Earth. You put each one in a box, blast them with the permafixia solution, seal up the box, and send it on its way. If the widget is still wriggling when you get it, blast it twice. And watch out for the spikes! In our species, their toxin turns our organs inside out. We honestly have no idea how it would affect your species, but since you’ll be packing 1,000 units per shift, we’re bound to find out eventually. Just wear your safety gear and take it slow while still working fast enough to fill your quota because if the widgets aren’t all bundled up by the end of the day they’ll go into a reproductive frenzy and hump anything that moves. Got it? Good!

If you have a yellow badge, you are highly ambitious but have a tendency to overestimate yourself, have a habit of making promises that are impossible to keep, and your only real skill is your superficial charm. You’re in Sales. You will be convincing our customers to buy our widgets and the optional insurance package. The insurance won’t actually do anything since our contract with your planet protects us from liability, but your Negotiators informed us that insurance plans make a lot of money. I mean a LOT of money. And research shows that Fellow Travelers feel more confident about a product that’s been insured, like it’s some kind of magical shield instead of overpriced window dressing with a bunch of rips and tears in it. I mean, the whole concept is just so incredibly…what? Okay, now I’m supposed to stroke your ego a bit and move on. You guys are the most superficial charmers in the whole universe and only you can manipulate others into purchasing things they don’t need and could possibly cripple them for life! Go Sales!

Last but not least, those of you with red badges are in Management. You’re of average skill and intelligence, hate responsibility but love telling others what to do, and excel at flattering your superiors. You’ll be working closely with our executive team, using all of your ability to tell them how great everything is due to their stellar leadership. You can even comment on their lovely exoskeletons or horns - but never mention the beaks, that’s rude. You will also be in charge of hearing worker grievances. You won’t have the power to change anything, you just have to listen to them complain so we don’t have to. And be sure to keep your office locked at all times. Experience has taught us that most employees are content to complain, but a few disgruntled ones might try sliming you, or whatever it is your species does when they’ve reached their breaking point. We know you’re up to the challenge, which is why we’re paying you a lot more than the people doing the actual work. Judging from the looks of the others, they are already deferring to you. Either that or they’re constipated. I’m still learning your facial expressions.

This wraps up part one of orientation. Please find your group and report to your assigned workstations for further instructions. Any questions? Yes? You want to know more about “incompatible genitals.” Well, First Contact with your species went well. A little too well. And the bodily fluids exchange ended up causing some genitals to explode. Both sides suffered heavy casualties. In the ensuing chaos and confusion, we came very close to starting a war instead of a trade route. If you and your Fellow Travelers only knew how close you all came to…what? Apparently I’ve said too much. Could you all stand perfectly still and not blink for two seconds? Great! Now, as I was saying, please find your group and report to your assigned stations for further instructions. All Hail Blagnorff! Pbbt!