46 comments

Fiction

In Memory of Friendship.


I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than to never have loved at all.


Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote the elegy In Memoriam A.H.H in 1850 to his late friend Arthur Henry Hallam. I have often wondered if Tennyson was right. Is it really better to have experienced a friendship or is it better to protect oneself against that inevitable loss?


I’m clumsy. I can be awkward, shy, reticent and self-involved. Have often put my foot wrong, stumbled and accidentally hurt others be it with words or deeds. I am more at home in the water. There I feel almost graceful. I’m of course, not the only one there. Have met many others who feel the same and made connections. I might have shared a look, a comment, a joke and recognized a kindred soul. Sometimes I’ve eased into these bonds, have tested the water, one cautious toe at a time. Other times I’ve jumped in, full of enthusiasm, plunged into the deep end and swam, laughing, racing together to the other side.


I don’t know which one is better. Even after all these years, I still doubt those famous words. Is it better to hold back parts of myself? Is it better to not share everything I feel? Is it better to protect myself from possible hurt? The unavoidable pain.


Or is it better to open myself to another, share my thoughts, beliefs, fears, hopes and excitements? Is it better to tear away my armor, make myself vulnerable? Is it better to hold out my hand and trust that you will take it? Is it better to offer my heart in the belief that the gift will be treasured? Will the pain of the inevitable loss be more or less? Is the pay-off, the memory of those rich feelings, the happiness of having shared laughter, more valuable than the loneliness that will follow?


The loss will come. It always does. For how can two separate entities stay connected? Isn’t it the law that one plus one will never add up to one? Hasn’t it been proven that two separate souls can never fully understand the other’s language? Isn’t it true that connections break when the glue fails? When what brought them together becomes old, worn and too heavy causing the two parts to drift away, each carried on their own current.


Sometimes one part will tear away suddenly as if pulled under by a riptide. Sometimes the two gradually, imperceptibly float further into their own stream till all that is left is the memory of what was.


I remember where and when we met. We had such fun, were so eager to linger a little longer. One more message. One more joke. One more cheeky comment. Do you?


Remember?


When we met you asked me why I was alone. You were so charming. You said I was such a great person, funny, open, and smart. You said you couldn’t imagine why I was on my own.


Remember?


When I told you that everybody, I had known had left me. I told you that sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, they had all turned away, distanced themselves, disappeared, stopped talking to me. I told you that I was okay on my own.


Remember?


When you shook your head and couldn’t believe what I had said. Surely, I was wrong, you said. Surely, no sane person would walk away from me. You flattered me, tried to convince me that I was worthwhile.


Remember?


When you told me you wanted to spend time with me, I let you. I more than let you. I welcomed you, looked forward to our time together. Was maybe too eager, too pathetically grateful for being even a small part of your life. You asked questions, even listened to my answers, we shared our thoughts, shared jokes, and made each other laugh.


Remember?


When you asked me if losing someone will ever become easier. If the hole that is left behind will ever close. If the pain will ever become tolerable, or maybe even disappear.


Remember?


Then you left. You cut me off. You just disappeared, gave no reason, did not say goodbye. I was scared, thought something bad had happened to you. But I couldn’t reach you. You wouldn’t let me.


I will tell you that losing someone doesn’t get easier. Those holes will always be there. They will always be the deep mines in your soul, the sinkhole on our memory. They will always be the whirlpool where your thoughts can get lost.


I will tell myself that this has happened before. So many times, before. Too many times. That I’m used to it. That I’m tough. That I’m okay on my own. That I know how to drift on the tide.


I’ve told myself so many times, I almost believe it.


I’ve learned what I must do. I just have to relearn how to be alone with my thoughts. I just have to remind myself that I’m not allowed to share this or that joke with you anymore. I will just have to be firm and only focus on the good memories and sidestep the empty place you’ve left behind. And then I just have to take a deep breath, or five, and dive deep, deep enough so the light that was you will not reach me anymore.


I just have to survive. Again.


Maybe this time I’ll know how to make the dam strong enough, tall enough, forbidding enough. Maybe this time I’ll build a better lock. Maybe this time I’ll make the moat deeper and pull up the draw bridge.


In the meantime, I will wonder again what I did wrong. What about me makes others think it is okay to walk away. In the meantime, I will wonder how I can make people see that I have feelings. That I hurt, just like everyone else. I am lucky that I can swim because no one can see that I've cried myself to sleep because I’ve lost yet another friend.


I fear that you will never see this. I fear that, once again, I have been too egregious in my selfishness. Too demanding of your goodwill. Not considerate, grateful, or compassionate enough. And even if you read this, you may not have the words, may not care enough to give me the answers I seek.


I have to remember to be content with that. And I will when I eventually surface again.

May 19, 2024 19:55

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46 comments

Carol Stewart
17:35 May 28, 2024

Thinking like Helen here. What was it about the protagonist that made everyone leave, thought maybe a hint could be given, some symbolism linked to the water? Expand on them being too eager, which I guess is a kind of hint, although maybe the point is they don't want to acknowledge it? Nevertheless, a beautifully written piece, gorgeous descriptions. Edit, five minutes later. Just realised the repeated use of 'remember' does make one think about what it was - their not willing to acknowledge that people change may be the problem. Sort of y...

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Trudy Jas
18:14 May 28, 2024

Carol, Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm delighted that my story made you think. I think your interpretation has much merit. And am glad you liked it. :-)

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Carol Stewart
18:23 May 28, 2024

Hi Trudy, yes, like poetry, this is one of those stories that begs a second read to catch all the nuances, and that's definitely a good thing :)

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Trudy Jas
18:24 May 28, 2024

TThanks, :-) Then go ahead and sit down for my entry for next week.

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Daryl Kulak
16:05 May 29, 2024

Very personal story, Trudy. So beautiful.

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Trudy Jas
19:40 May 29, 2024

Thanks, Daryl. True, very true.

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08:53 May 29, 2024

Some people might wonder why people leave the protagonist. Still, for a short story, I think it is interesting to focus (as you did) not on the Why (which could make the reader feel better or even angry) but the How: how the person feels, independently of the reasons that led to it... and that feeling is sadness. It's passed to the reader because it is well-written. :)

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Trudy Jas
11:57 May 29, 2024

Thank you, Laura. You are right. In the sentiment of "When you're up to your neck in aligators, it's hard to remember that the object was to drain the swamp". :-) The introspection and change will/should come later. Thanks for your thoughtful comments

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Helen A Smith
10:53 May 28, 2024

The way you write this makes me wonder why the MC keeps finding them self in such a position. What are they doing that is driving the other person away? The MC doesn’t seem to have looked into this. You ask a question that often gets asked after heartbreak and loss of friendship is truly heartbreaking. We share so much with our friends. We all have to form our own answers. Personally, I think it’s almost always better to have loved and lost. Creative response to the prompt made for a great read.

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Trudy Jas
11:07 May 28, 2024

Thank you, Helen. You make excellent points. Knowing ourselves (and changing accordingly) may be one of the harder things we do. After all psychiatrists make a good living off that. LOL Thanks for your wonderful feedback.

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Stevie Burges
09:58 May 28, 2024

Thanks for writing and sharing with us. Powerful narrative.

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Trudy Jas
10:43 May 28, 2024

Thank you, Stevie. I'm glad you liked it.

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Nadir Gauche
07:16 May 27, 2024

"Remember?" It really feels like someone trying to convince themselves to hold on despite the pain. It's something that hits close to home. Thank you for writing it, it's very powerful.

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Trudy Jas
10:57 May 27, 2024

Thank you, Nadir. Glad it resonated with you. Sometimes we are "left" at the "bottom" aren't we?

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09:59 May 26, 2024

Loved the way you formatted this creatively. Tis better to have loved and lost Than to never have loved at all. - Totally agree with this. However, you can't control the other person. Only yourself. When we love we need to already love ourselves and be content in our own company. Only then do we have the capacity to love another. Only two working together will make a relationship work. You have to have enough love to give and enough forgiveness to make it work when the other falls short. None of us are perfect. But when we have lost, we ...

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Trudy Jas
11:18 May 26, 2024

Thank you, Kaitlyn. Absolutely true, but grief will out and takes time.After all it took Tennyson 7 years before he could write I n memoriam.

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Rebecca Detti
07:18 May 26, 2024

oh, my goodness Trudy, such powerful stuff, and I agree with all of this. It made me think about a relationship ending in my twenties and how obsessed I was with identifying the reasons for it ending. With time and a bit of wisdom you realise what a lot of energy is put into these things which could be channeled elsewhere. your writing is absolutely inspiring. I always look forward to reading anything by you!

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Trudy Jas
11:11 May 26, 2024

Thank you, Rebecca. This one wrote itself, the circumstances were right. Thanks for your high praise. It means a lot. You might like next week's entry, as well. LOL

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Harry Stuart
01:06 May 25, 2024

This story makes me want to be a better person. I have learned more from your perspective, both in writing and life, than you know. Thank you my dear friend for showing me the gifts of fiction…and living. The latter being the most important.

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Trudy Jas
02:23 May 25, 2024

Amen. And thank you. :-)

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Marty B
04:32 May 24, 2024

Great writing for this challenging prompt. Your introspection and vulnerability makes this story pop. Thanks!

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Trudy Jas
09:12 May 24, 2024

Thank you, Marty.

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TE Wetzel
22:49 May 23, 2024

Trudy, you have a truly compelling narrative and an easily engaging tone here. Exceptional use of descriptive language without getting bogged down in the weeds. This is really good. Going to read more from you back catalog right now and I will be taking notes. Thanks for sharing your gift. Loved this passage btw. I can definitely relate... "Maybe this time I’ll know how to make the dam strong enough, tall enough, forbidding enough. Maybe this time I’ll build a better lock. Maybe this time I’ll make the moat deeper and pull up the draw brid...

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Trudy Jas
23:02 May 23, 2024

Thanks TE. I really appreciate your feedback and kind words. This story was special to me.

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Jim LaFleur
17:54 May 23, 2024

Excellent job, Trudy!

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Trudy Jas
19:41 May 23, 2024

Thanks, Jim.

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Darvico Ulmeli
14:18 May 21, 2024

I have to agree with 80% of the thoughts written in this story. Nicely written. Thanks for helping me...

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Trudy Jas
14:28 May 21, 2024

Thank you, Darvico. Loss is hard to swallow, isn't it. And you're welcome. Anytime.

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Myranda Marie
21:10 May 20, 2024

I take it back; maybe you do know a little about what goes on in my head. This one touched my soul.

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Trudy Jas
22:14 May 20, 2024

Thanks, I had to read it five times before I could put the tissue box aside. So, I get it. Double thanks.

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Myranda Marie
15:35 May 21, 2024

I wasn't going to mention, because I didn't want to make this all about me, but my bestie of forty five years passed a few months ago. I miss her more than I would miss breathing air. So, thanks again for your story, I needed to feel something other than numb. :) <3

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Trudy Jas
15:48 May 21, 2024

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. People leave a hole, don't they? And the darn grieving process is always way too slow. I'm glad my story helped in a tiny way. Hang in there and btw, it's perfectly ok for anything to be 'all about you'. For if we can't allow ourselves to be the center of our own universe, even for a little while, who will?

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Alexis Araneta
17:51 May 20, 2024

What a beautiful story rich in symbolism. Your opener !! But I do think it's better to dive into a friendship than be too "safe". Stunning stuff here.

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Trudy Jas
18:10 May 20, 2024

Thanks, Stellexis, LOL Of course, it's better to, than not. But that would have been a short, short story, wouldn't it? And wouldn't one question it when left behind? At least for a while.

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Alexis Araneta
03:20 May 21, 2024

That sounds like a space programme. HAHAHAHAHAHA ! I totally agree with you, though !

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Trudy Jas
11:47 May 21, 2024

Okay, I can see that. but Alla(h) is taken, (sigh) Never mind I'll learn. I'll prove the old adage wrong. This old dog will learn to call you Staxis. ;-)

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Alexis Araneta
12:07 May 21, 2024

Sounds like a disease. HAHAHAHAHA !

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Trudy Jas
12:53 May 21, 2024

Don't worry, I'll get there. Alexella. ;-D

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Joe Smallwood
17:39 May 20, 2024

I had to wait a day to comment on this. Read it again. I got even more on the second reading. This reflection is very powerful, but I wonder if most people can deal. We like to swim easily on the surface. The closest I come to what you wrote is my meditation on evil called:"It had to be." I think this prompt is a very hard one to write for. You are supposed to show the protagonist being influenced or even changing as result of reading the work of an author. It seems to me that you can't go "deep" unless you write at least a novella! To show ...

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Trudy Jas
17:50 May 20, 2024

Hey Joe. I absolutely agree with you. At our age (Medicare +) how much changing are we gonna do? I'm pretty well set in my ways. It doesn't matter how many books I read. At best I'll be engrossed and enjoy it, or I'll say Boring! and start another one. LOL. I found 4 of the 5 prompts tedious, this week. Better luch next week, right? Thanks for reading and commenting.

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Mary Bendickson
21:55 May 19, 2024

Soul searching.

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Trudy Jas
22:10 May 19, 2024

I know, I search, still looking. :-} Thank you, Mary

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Mary Bendickson
22:12 May 19, 2024

☺️you are so good at what you do!

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Trudy Jas
22:40 May 19, 2024

Wow! You must really mean that, it's the second time you've told me. I'm beginning to believe you. Thanks and Thanks!!

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