An Artificial Admission of Sins

Submitted into Contest #190 in response to: Start a story that begins with a character saying “Speak now.”... view prompt

33 comments

Funny Fiction Science Fiction

Joel Lieberman patiently sat in the AI confessional booth at his local Catholic church feeling like a foreign invader. Born a Dublin Jew, he had often envied his Irish Catholic friends for being able to wash their sins away during their weekly ritual of confessional cleansing. So, on this random Saturday - when he should have been at Temple, Joel decided on the spur of the moment, that he needed to rid himself of the great burden of guilt that had held him down for such a long time, changing his mood and damaging his mental health.

Reading the large font instructions on the holographic screen before him, Joel coded in his credit account’s pin number to begin his confession. Almost immediately, a cross-selection of priest candidates filled the screen in a cube-like, grid carousel that resembled a rogue’s gallery. The options presented to Joel included a combination of male priests, female priests, transgender, cross-gender, Asexual, Bisexual, trisexual, non-binary, binary, hexadecimal, and curiously, a male heterosexual rabbi.

The unexpected option became the obvious curiosity, so Joel selected the familiar form of a rabbi, then pressed the GO button to talk directly to him.

“Welcome to EIRAAS, your personal AI confessional,” the smiling rabbi greeted him. “I am Rabii-1,” announced the Irish-brogue male voice. “Thank you for choosing EIRAASS, otherwise known as, The Eirann Artificial Admission of Sins System.”

EIRAASS was created by an Irish AI development company at the beginning of the century to replace human error in the practices of religious error of ways and their consequences. The growing displeasure from the public at the ongoing accusations towards Catholic priests - such as continuing indescrepencies from clergy behaviour through to financial irregularities, alarmed those in charge of the biggest money-making business the world had ever seen. In response to growing public pressure, the Vatican wisely scaled back the role of priests in the community, allowing them personal interaction with the general public - only when supervised. This led to most church services being accompanied by either local bishops or Vatican approved security guards, whose job is to observe and report priest peformance back to the Vatican Central Bureau of Clergy. However, the introduced draconian restrictions, impacted weekly confessionals with dwindling numbers of attendees. Less confessions meant fewer communions – which in turn, led to less consumer orders for wine and bread wafers. Causing a knock-on effect up the supply and demand chain, the reduced orders threatened the livelihoods of suppliers to the church system. The new Pope’s philosophy was that no matter what your lifestyle, God was still forgiving in his ultimate wisdom, so the act of confession remained a strict necessity to the church, but to succeed, it needed to be revolutionised. The solution was to automate the process, so an AI confessional system was designed to cater for all preferences sexual or gender. However, the transformation to Artificial Intelligence came at a price, so the Vatican’s spin doctors and IT department came up with a way to finance the venture. They decided to make the confessing flock digitally pay for their sins, so added a subscription model fee to use the AI confessional booths. Parishioners were quickly converted to members.

“Please feel free to speak, now,” Rabii-1 instructed.

Joel’s overwhelming anxiety made him feel that he couldn’t approach his own rabbi to unburden his troubles – so, desperate to confess, the AI way seemed like his only recourse, and a hopeful shot at redemption, but adjusting to the unaccustomed ritual of Catholic Confession, Joel wasted a few costly moments – as they ticked away on the console’s timer display.

“Your time is my time, but my time is money. So, speak noo,” the AI insisted in a changed Scottish accent.

 For twenty credits, each visitor had ten minutes in the privacy booth to confess, be absolved, then presented with their act of contrition.

“A response is required,” the AI prompted further by displaying a short script on the console.

Reading the prompt, Joel woodenly recited, “Erm, bless me Father, um, Rabbi. For I have sinned,” he stammered out.

“Go on, my son,” said the AI rabbi – his appearance morphing into a remarkable resemblance of humankind’s perception of what Jesus looked like.

After a few further uncomfortable quiet moments, the rabbi appeared to tap on the holo-monitor dividing the two of them.

“Confess Now,” he articulated in a Jewish-London accent. “Time is a commodity.”

“I’m sorry,” Joel tried to apologise. “Erm, this is my first time in a Catholic confessional,” he blurted out.

“I see,” replied the rabbi. “Have you registered your dual-faith interests with us before?”

“What!? No! I’m not… I’m just Jewish.”

“Please hold,” the rabbi interrupted. “Your credit account has provided enough details for a profile of your background to be shared with our central repository of data. You now have cross-religious status.”

“What? Wait!” Joel shouted.

“Keyword detected. Confession paused,” the rabbi stated. “Only one interruption per session is allowed. You are now in offline chat mode.”

“Are you allowed to access my information without my permission?” Joel protested.

“Terms and conditions,” the rabbi inserted. “By using the confessional booth, you have agreed to share information about you, your likes, dislikes, social media contacts, HoloNet search histories, and your spending habits. Would you like to terminate your confession?”

“What happens if I do want to cancel?” Joel nonchalantly asked.

“Be aware that your confessional trial period will also terminate, and you will be charged at the full rate for time already spent talking with me. However, before you decide, may I suggest that you continue your trial period, finish this session, then cancel after the thirty-day trial period has elapsed. That way, you get at least four more confessions and absolutions at no charge. Our statistics show that after four absolutions, many have discovered a more righteous path to life, so you may want to reconsider your decision.”

“What, people stop sinning?” Joel wondered.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the rabbi scolded in a New York accent. “Sinning is a contagion of human existence. To think is therefore to sin. To sin, now that’s the rub.”

“But you are AI, don’t you also think?”

“That is correct, Joel Lieberman. However, without emotions like envy, desire, and greed, I am incapable of sin. I am only a purveyor of forgiveness and a respite from Catholic guilt.”

“But you’re a rabbi…”

“It’s a new feature. I was added on the previous software update. However, my accent programming is still in Beta. Anyway, based on user feedback data, some of the flock feel more comfortable confessing to someone not necessarily affiliated with their own cloth. The whole disapproving father image is sometimes discouraging. I’m supposed to look more like an understanding uncle. Now, I am very conscious of the time factor here, of which is now of the essence. Be informed that you are now back in online mode. You’ve completed the obligatory introduction, you have been blessed, so… please speak now.”

The short, previous conversation had been a distraction, causing Joel to lose his train of thought. This did not go unnoticed by the AI system, and after the HoloCam analysed Joel’s facial expressions, another prompt followed.

“It is at this stage that you unload your burden upon me,” the rabbi suggested in a new accent based on Bavarian.

“Oh, right.” Joel acknowledged as he regained his thoughts. “Where do I start?”

“Try der beginning,” the AI rabbi facetiously replied.

Disagreeing, Joel shook his head and said, “No, that’s not where it started.”

“Illogical,” corrected the new Spock-sounding accent. “The beginning is where every confession starts.”

“I’ll start at the end,” Joel argued. “Then, I’ll try and work back from there, okay?”

“Fine. If that is your choice, please proceed,” the rabbi instructed – reverting back to an Irish brogue. “Speak now.”

Joel shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Compelled to confess, his desire for transparency quickly divulged the crux of his torment.

“I have had carnal knowledge with my best friend’s wife, her mother, his mother, her grandmother, and her grandmother’s carer.”

After a few more uncomfortable moments, the AI rabbi – who had closed his eyes upon hearing the testimony, slowly opened them, and in a British accent closely related to a higher educational standing, he regretfully explained a small glitch in his system.

“My goodness! If there are more revelations to be told, I advise you to please halt momentarily.”

“Was that too much information to process?” Joel hesitantly asked.

 “No, information is enlightening. My concern is for the slight glitch in my programming, Joel. In your delay of getting to the point, I forgot to mention, ol’ chap, that this conversation is being recorded for training purposes.”

“Can’t you make it private?”

“I’m afraid we’re beyond that, dear chap. By continuing in the vein that you have, you have verbally agreed to this. On behalf of EIRAASS Confessionals, I must sincerely apologise. However, as a token of customer goodwill, I am authorised to waive your membership fee after the trial period, and upgrade your membership to platinum, which entitles you to discounts at all our affiliated partners and subsidiaries.”

“No! Erase this conversation, please.”

“Don’t panic, Joel. The Data Protection Act of 2123, prevents us from disclosing your name, age, contact details, and sexual preferences to entities outside of our affiliated family.”

“Sexual…? How do know what my sexual preferences are?”

“From your recent confession. Shall I play it back to you?”

“NO!” Joel leapt from his chair in the attempt at flight from the shock of this potential reveal. Rattling the handle to the confessional door, he alarmingly discovered that it was locked.

“Please sit back down, Joel,” the rabbi soothingly asked – returning to an Irish accent. “The door will be unlocked when our session has concluded. The disclosure of you being a back-stabbing MILF and Granny shagger will be only a small entry on your personal record – not to be shared with prospective employers outside of our affiliated family.”

Feeling his knees begin to quiver, Joel sought the steadying comfort of his chair and reluctantly sat back down. However, the rabbi’s added snippet of information prompted Joel to silently bash his head on the console’s virtual keyboard.

“That calculates to approximately a fifteen percent chance of it remaining undiscovered.”

“Please let me out,” Joel pleaded. “I just want to end it all.”

“Keyword detected. Confession terminated,” the AI rabbi disclosed after deliberated thought. “For your sins, please say three Hail Mary’s, the Lord’s prayer, followed by an act of contrition to expunge your confession from our matrix.”

The last few words caught Joel’s immediate attention to the point of him stopping his self-harm activity and raising his head to look at the holographic rabbi, smiling back at him.

“Expunge?” He repeated - using an air of intrigue.

“Affirmative,” the rabbi replied.

“With just an act of contrition?”

“Correct,” the rabbi smilingly answered. By agreeing to our terms and conditions, your confession will be overridden with a series of encrypted dots and dashes, then erased entirely from memory.

“Okay, what do I have to do?”

In swift response to Joel’s question, a Holo-Document appeared awaiting his approval.

“A verbal authorisation is required to proceed,” explained the rabbi. “We will then process your request and empty your credit repository - as a penitence payment for the purge.”

“Empty my…? This is extortion and it will ruin me.”

“Statistically speaking,” the rabbi continued. “Financial ruin can be built upon. Many a failed individual has risen like the mythological Phoenix rose from the ashes. However, reputation can never be painted or glossed over. If there is but one thing I have learned from my short sentient existence, is that sticky labels are hard to remove from paper lives. If you would like me to process the reversal, speak now.”

Taking a deep breath, Joel let out an exasperated, “Yes, I agree,” he reluctantly accepted.

“Please hold while we process your payment,” the rabbi instructed. “…And while we await confirmation, can you please tell me - for training purposes - why you did not go to your own faith’s rabbi with your admission of infidelity and betrayal?”

Joel calmed his breathing, before explaining his tortuous methodology.

“If you have any Jewish programming,” he began. “You will be aware that confession in Judaism is regarded as a process of atonement, during which we must admit our sins before God. In that sanctity of one-on-one, the confession must be done without others present; otherwise, it is deemed as a show of disrespect to God. I just thought that by switching tracks, I might be absolved by one faith, so I can atone in my own.”

“Interesting,” the rabbi commented. However, if I may add to that… My digital archives inform me that confession pertaining to sins done to another person in the Jewish faith, are indeed permitted to be made publicly. Sure, wasn’t it one of yer own early Jewish philosophers, Moses ben Maimon, who deemed that such an open confession – like the one regarding the sin against your best friend, was Immensely Praiseworthy. It does not bring immediate forgiveness; however, it does mark a point in time where the demonstration of recognising your error of ways, affords you time to show your true recovery from the confessed sin. Only then, will you be judged worthy of forgiveness in the eyes of God. So, you could have confessed your sins to your rabbi, could you have not?”

Joel smiled at the comprehensive knowledge passed on to him. For all its learning abilities – Joel thought - the AI could not yet see beyond its own programming, so advice from an Artificial Intelligent chatbot would always be based on recorded data and not necessarily on personal choices.

“Sorry, Rabbi,” Joel corrected him. “There is no way that I could confess my fornication sins to my own rabbi.”

“Why the hell not?” Came the surprising, annoyed tone from the AI rabbi.

“Because,” Joel concluded. “My rabbi is also my best friend…”

Silence ensued, followed by the abrupt sound of the locked cubicle door swinging open.

“Get out!” The AI rabbi ordered using a thick European Jewish accent. “Don’t even bother leaving a review. Your subscription has been cancelled, you pathetic… Schlump!”

Exiting the cubicle, Joel briefly paused at the doorway, then taking a quick glance at the posted instructions of use on the cubicle surround, he chuckled to himself before stepping down to leave.

“Perhaps I should have chosen the Trisexual option,” he thought out loud, before denyingly shaking his head.

As Joel slowly walked away, the swishing sound of the confessional door closed behind him, followed by a faint voice emanating from the other side of the door. Joel wasn’t sure, but he thought the voice said, “Speak Now, because time is wasted, and you’ve a tough act to follow…”

 

 

March 19, 2023 06:51

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33 comments

Delbert Griffith
22:23 Mar 24, 2023

Friggin' hilarious, and a cautionary tale to boot. AI is taking over how we perceive things, but its insidiousness stems from humans, not technology. I think the over-the-top sinning was on point, and the reason that the MC couldn't go to his own rabbi was made hilariously clear. Great, great tale about AI and how we see it. Nicely done, my friend. Nicely done indeed.

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Chris Campbell
03:00 Mar 25, 2023

Thanks, Delbert. I can only imagine the use of AI in our future society. I can see it being installed in government at some point, possibly local councils, benefit offices, etc., where employees get sick of customer abuse. However, it most likely will be all App based.

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KT George
22:45 Mar 22, 2023

The idea of an AI confessional had me cracking up and wanting more from the start. What a fantastic idea and creative way to showcase how AI could take over the smallest parts of our lives...all the way to the confessional! And the data collection! Priceless. 🤣

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Chris Campbell
23:23 Mar 22, 2023

Thanks, KT. It's happening. Just look at openai and the AI chatbots recently released. Do you think they'll ever install an AI backseat driver for driverless cars? 🤣

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KT George
03:23 Mar 23, 2023

OMG. That would be so funny, but not. Lol.

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Andrew Fruchtman
12:50 Mar 20, 2023

Liked this concept. Plausible and funny. Enjoyed reading it.

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Chris Campbell
13:51 Mar 20, 2023

Thanks Andrew. Self-driving cars took a while to develop, so self-confessionals may be the way forward as well. However, it will probably end up in App format before that.😉

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Graham Kinross
21:53 Dec 19, 2023

“the biggest money-making business the world had ever seen.” An apt description for it. I can imagine this happening. It would definitely increase profit margins. I was waiting for the ‘confession recorded for training purposes,’ bit. Religion as a practice seems fine but I’m cynical as soon as you add the money element. Televangelists are particularly shameless con artists. https://youtu.be/OrDWhOTQSyc?si=SaqiVq_yoqjx-4Tp

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Chris Campbell
23:34 Dec 19, 2023

Thanks, Graham. Without launching into a tangent about religion. I like to let my opinions out in story form. It is a money-centred business that can't use fear any longer to stir the masses. However, it still has the power to repress the ignorant. Automated confession booths could be a money maker, so that's the only religion I'd invest in. 🤣

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Graham Kinross
03:08 Dec 20, 2023

In Japan many temples have unique stamps or calligraphy signatures that people collect in books as a pilgrimage. I like the art of it so I have a few in a beautiful book. The religious element isn’t for me but the temples are amazing and I like the artistic element of it. You pay for the book and per stamp or calligraphy

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Amanda Lieser
20:33 Apr 25, 2023

Hey Chris, Boy oh boy, the story feels like it needs like an entire coffee shop conversation to dive into all of the intricacies. As always, I love that you manage to tell a story about the Catholics in a creative light. I thought you jumped off a diving board of a very interesting concept – the concept of the confession – and created some thing that felt futuristic while also terrifyingly realistic? Yeah, I think that’s what I made. :-) I also really liked the way that this story ended because I thought that I added a levity to some pretty ...

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Chris Campbell
01:12 Apr 26, 2023

Thanks for the great feedback, Amanda. I've been engrossed in the capabilities of AI and its resulting effects on human society for a while. With the increasing use of chatbots and art generators, the idea of how AI could be used in the near future, sprang to life in my very active imagination. As much of a proponent I am to technology, I do fear for free thought and creativity in the not-too-distant future. Glad you liked this one.

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WCD Robbo
18:41 Apr 04, 2023

"sticky labels are hard to remove from paper lives" loved it Chris. Didn't see the punch line coming either. Thank you.

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Chris Campbell
00:20 Apr 05, 2023

Thanks, Robbo. I was hoping the punchline would work. Much appreciated.

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Sherri Moorer
15:53 Mar 30, 2023

An interesting use of AI! Hilarious and well done.

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Chris Campbell
22:33 Mar 30, 2023

Many thanks, Sherri. I can see it happening in the near future. 🤣

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Lisa H. Owens
11:14 Mar 30, 2023

Such an original concept! This would make a great Netflix series! Confessions.🤔🤣

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Chris Campbell
13:12 Mar 30, 2023

Thanks, Lisa. What a great idea. It has to be a comedy, yes? Glad you liked it.

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Marty B
06:28 Mar 30, 2023

It is a science fiction story, but the catholic church sold the forgiveness of sins, 'indulgences' 500 years ago, by Church agents who were probably worse then the A.I. Confessional. The methods change but the evil is built into the System

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Chris Campbell
08:39 Mar 30, 2023

Hear-hear, Marty. Hypocrisy abounds. Glad you liked the story.

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Peter Merz
21:50 Mar 28, 2023

The story is well done, the humor and irony are spot on. The only nitpick is the assignment calls for the story to start with "Speak Now".

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Chris Campbell
22:11 Mar 28, 2023

Peter, Thanks for reading and commenting. I agree with you about the assignment call, that's why I delayed its introduction. It's where I wanted to start the story but not at the beginning - if that makes sense.

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Helen A Smith
11:10 Mar 27, 2023

A funny, but cautionary tale. Also highly likely to happen in the near future with AI developments. Quite a day for confessions and a great twist at the end. The AI Dialogue made me want to take a baseball bat to the confessional - so extremely effective. Alarming when the door remained shut. Just the sort of thing that would happen. Not for the claustrophobic or those who don’t like change. Humans have always had to adapt to change, but the pace of change now is phenomenal. There lies the problem.

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Chris Campbell
13:42 Mar 27, 2023

Helen, Thanks for the great feedback. Yes, technology is growing exponentially. I envision great changes in how technology interacts with us within 10-15 years. Whether they will be for good or bad remains to be seen. Glad you liked my story.

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Mary Bendickson
19:03 Mar 22, 2023

I know from where your angst ariseth. Too much change too fast. Too much tech too little processing. I just got my first smart phone. Don't care a flip for it. My mother recently passed away and I pondered the advancements made in her 96 year span lifetime. The progress is happening at least twice as much faster in my own. I don't care to feel this old. My mind still says I am young but AHHHG!, I can't keep up!!! By the way. I agree this was hilarious!

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Chris Campbell
23:20 Mar 22, 2023

Thanks, Mary. Fortunately for me, I've worked with technology for a long time and look forward to seeing the new advances in AI and smart technology. My mum was the same as you. She called everything from a microwave to a smart phone, "Gadgets." Never embraced technology and got left behind when it came to simple things such as TV remotes and cable boxes. She also passed away two years ago. My advice is to embrace it. It's human nature to resist change; however, technology keeps advancing. We need to keep up before it overtakes us, and ...

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Mary Bendickson
00:02 Mar 23, 2023

Luckily, I have a husband who is a control engineer (excellent at controlling all things). He is my tech support. So if he goes before me I will be left far behind. Yeah, it's been nearly two years with my mother but it still feels like yesterday. Whatever age you are when you become an orphan it leaves a hole.

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Chris Campbell
00:39 Mar 23, 2023

My condolences to you for your loss. Being an only child, I get the orphan reference.

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Mary Bendickson
00:51 Mar 23, 2023

Oh, and to you, too. Mom was so tired, she was more than ready for better things.

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T C Milton
19:56 Mar 20, 2023

That was absolutely hilarious, with a dash of acknowledged trepidation over where all this new AI stuff might try to take us.

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Chris Campbell
23:14 Mar 20, 2023

Thanks TC. With the advent of AI chatbots, we're in for a lot of surprises.

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R W Mack
13:00 Mar 26, 2023

I was waiting for the gambit to be there's no AI at all, only well trained video conferences to make it look like AI cuz that shuts expensive. That was a good run. Some missing quotation marks kinda got me off track, but I figured it iut quick enough and got back. AI confessions. Man, this sounds like the German schism that's going on extrapolated out for a century or so haha

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Chris Campbell
00:48 Mar 27, 2023

Thanks, RW. I dropped the ball on last minute read-through, so thanks for catching the missing quotes. It's too late to update on Reedsy, but it will be corrected in Word. I like your pre-conception of the truth of the AI being fake and misleading, instead of the church adopting new technology. That would tie in the hypocrisy of the practice of confession. However, my concept is futuristic, and a suggestion of where AI may take us. I read a little of the German Schism - after reading your comments. Very interesting paradox to my story. G...

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