Tiny Little Island

CW: Mental health, suicide, grief

Marina had enough. The glances, sad stares, and whispers made her uncomfortable. She didn’t like attention on the best of days; but this has been the literal worst. Marina didn’t want pity. She wanted her family back. Alive and well. All together again. That way she could remember it this time. Yet, that was not the case and she had to sit here and pretend that people showing up made her feel better. It did not. Where were all these people when dad had his hands full with her as a newborn? Not available that’s for sure. Yet, a death happens and everyone conveniently has time to pay their respects. It was cruel in her mind. It wasn’t for him. It was so they felt better about her dad dying. That didn’t sit right with her. She didn’t want to have a funeral in the first place, but her Aunt Grace insisted that they had to.

She rolled her eyes as Aunt Grace stood at the podium positioned at the front of the chapel. Marina knew the misty eyes and blubbering were all an exaggeration. Aunt Grace was never close with her brother, Marina’s dad. Marina knew this. Aunt Grace only came around when she needed something. Here at dad’s funeral wasn’t any different. As soon as Marina arrived, Grace had sought her out to talk about the inheritance. Anything for a bit of money, Marina thought. She didn’t want any of it, but she sure as hell didn’t want her aunt to have a single penny or asset.

Halfway through Grace’s speech, Marina decided she didn’t need to be there any longer. If she stayed, she would send herself into a panic attack. She gathered her bag full of personal items and slipped to the restroom for it to appear as if she was coming back. Rude to some; to her, survival. She’d been through enough and there was no one to scold her for “leaving an important event early.” Both her parents were dead and she didn’t care about anyone else’s opinion.

After using the restroom, she had to get out of that wretched building. She slipped out one of the side doors of the church. Opposite to where the funeral service was taking place. The summer air caught in her throat, it felt heavier than her heart, but only for a brief second.

The grounds of the church were nothing special to see. The grass had a yellowy tint from being cut too short. There was a large basin like dip off to the left and a letterboard sign off to the right.

As she stared out, her gaze fell across the letterboard, noticing a ledge she could have a seat on. Marina made her way towards the edge of the property, she fished for her mp3 player in an all too messy bag. It took her longer than she’d like to admit to find it. For an instant, she feared she would have to go back in. Luckily for her, it had only sunk to the bottom of her massive bag.

Righting the mp3 player, she swiped at the touchpad to wake it up. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t wake. She tried again and again through blurry, wet eyes. Her worst fear had come true. The only piece she had of her parents, sat in front of her, completely inaccessible. She knew the mp3 player was old and worn, but she thought there were a few more plays left. Yet the player remained lifeless in her lap. Marina’s heart sank. She had listened to it so many times after her dad passed last week. And spent all night trying to charge it. It started glitching and randomly dying no matter the battery percentage. When the player finally gave out, that was the last straw.

It took a moment to drop the player into the bag, but once she did the bag got shouldered again. Marina was determined to get as far away as possible before the service let out. Good thing I wore sneakers, she thought and headed out onto the sidewalk that lined the street.

She wandered off, no destination, determined to get away from all that. Hoping her feet knew better than her brain. Maybe they would take her somewhere that would heal her shattered heart. In silence she continued, each step bringing her closer to the salty sea.

Pretty soon she had gotten far enough away that sidewalks turned into worn dirt paths. Trails leading through hilly inclines; some dead end and others lead down to the water. She wasn’t paying enough attention to know which one she had been following—she kept going.

Following the nearly invisible path, it stopped abruptly. Marina, still in auto-pilot, takes a step further reaching a ledge. Her toes grip the edge and pebbles fall several yards down into the slightly angry sea. She backs up a few steps realizing she made it to the cliff where her dad had used to take her when they had a bad day. To be closer to mom. Marina stared out into the horizon. She wondered why the worst days always had the prettiest skies. As she subconsciously scanned for any sign of a tiny little island. She never could find it.

Her dad’s voice whispered in her mind, making her heart hurt even more. They would sit here and he would tell her about mom. He would joke that she was a siren meant to lead him to his death on that tiny island that was the size of two boulders. He would then make sure Marina knew she was the best thing that ever happened to him. When she was younger, she always rolled her eyes, but it always proved to be true. He showed her how to love hard and find joy in everything. She loved hearing him talk about her mom because she could see how much he loved her. There was always this sweet longing in his gaze. Mom had been gone for several years at that point, but they always talked about her like she was gone on a long trip.

Tears welled in her eyes, realizing again that she only has herself. The grief was hard enough. To have to do it alone though? Made it ten times worse. How was she supposed to move on with no parents to support her? Her life was just starting and it already is all crashing down. As the tears continue to fall, her nose starts to drip. She pulls a sleeve and wipes at her face roughly. Frustrated, she throws her bag to the ground and allows herself to crumple to the ground, full on sobbing. What did she do to deserve this shitty hand?

As Marina allowed herself to sit in her hurt, the cool, sea breeze picked up. The faint scent of salt water drifting through. And she could also hear someone singing. Once the faint sound washed over her, she sat straight up and listened closer. She’s heard that song before…but where? As she continued to try and make out the song and where she knew it from, it started to become louder. Then it hit her.

“Mom?” Marina called out, scrambling to her feet.

The soft song continued, enveloping her body in a hug. Her eyes scanned the horizon again. And she finally spotted the tiny little island for the first time in her life.

“Mommy, I want to come home,” Marina whispered, “I want us all to be together again.”

Without thinking she jumped into the sea. As the salty air whizzed past her, it caught in her hair. After a very quick few seconds, she meets the surface of the water with an aggressive clash. Feeling more content than ever as she sunk into the water. It felt like being wrapped in the warmth of a mother’s hug for the first time in years.

And for the first time, Marina wasn’t afraid anymore as she floated to the surface. The current picked up, she allowed herself to be carried home.