Steps towards the new beginning

On nights like these I feel like I don’t understand the meaning of being alive anymore, it’s as if I am looking through a window in the middle of night only to find, the world outside this window though bright and beautiful is one in which I don’t wish to survive. It’s been 6 years since that incident, Ah I am thinking about it again, just when will I learn. The scenes played itself in my mind like an old tape-recorded video. How can I not think about it, when I despise every drop of water that goes down my throat for the sake of staying alive, the very lights on the road which used to guide me through the darkness blind me when in front of my eyes. Even these hands which you once held come for my own neck. Why, why didn't you just take me with you, why did you want me to stay alive? Didn’t you even think for a moment how would I ever live without you? Are you satisfied to see my hands bruised when I punish these very hands which couldn't save you, are you satisfied to see me suffer? “YOU MUST LIVE” these words are nothing more than a nightmare to me, continuously ringing every time I think of finally ending my pain, your words ring...

"If you had to take my hands why did you ever let it go, just why????" I shouted as tears rolled down my cheeks.

'When you are feeling down sometimes you just need someone to hold your hands, just like this.' Said a voice in a calming tone that didn't sound concerned rather full of positivity, as he slipped through my hand and intertwined his finger with mine. Startled, I looked to the side, a young man maybe in his mid-twenties, I thought. The light behind him made it difficult for me to see his face, but I could definitely feel his affectionate gaze. Suddenly I realized that I was still holding his hand, I pulled away and asked who he was as I finally returned to my senses and rubbed away my tears. Now I could clearly see his face, still smiling, he had a beautiful and gentle smile. He didn't answer, though he said 'I am just someone you need. Life is small but from where you stood back then every step you took till now had given you nothing more than pain. So give a chance to the world outside this window, waiting for you to take a step.' He talked as if he knew of my pain but it is not possible I thought and brushed away this silly thought from my head. He gently pulled my hands and placed a card. 'I am your new neighbor, it was nice to meet you, though I didn't expect our 1^st meeting to go like this but I don't mind either.' He walked away as I was left alone in the deserted garden with a very strong feeling that my life was about to change.

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I started my day feeling a little queasy. “Chloe” I called but stopped after reminding myself that she won’t be coming for a few days because of a family emergency. She is my roommate and my only friend. “What a perfect day to die.” I thought semi-jokingly. Don’t get me wrong I, Eden, am a fully independent woman in my early thirties, an architectural engineer. Ironically my own house was destroyed before I even started building it. In short, my past trauma’s made it hard for me to live alone, so Chloe, my childhood friend, decided to step in and save my ass. On some rare days such as yesterday I find myself drunk, alone and weeping. Thinking of yesterday made me remember the words of my supposedly new neighbor. I shook my head as if to shake what he had said away and thought aloud, “Young people these days.” The realization that I talk like an elderly woman made me chuckle. Curious to see what his name was, I found myself looking for the card he had placed in my hands, “There it is, Tashi Amaru", what an unusual name the first name means the ‘one who is prosperous’ in Japanese and the second means ‘immortal love’ in Greek, his parents must have really wanted his child to have a happy life. But again so did my parents so much so they named me Eden. (By the way did I mention I am a multilingual? I never regret learning different languages at an early age. It’s actually funny when people think you don’t understand them and sometimes pass comments behind your back but sad for them, you actually do. Then you speak back and they freak out. Their reactions are just priceless, I swear.) My eyes drifted a little lower agog to see his field of specialization … ‘therapeutic psychiatrist’.” For no reason I could feel the blood rush through my body, I placed the card on my table and searched for my coffee bottle. I sat down and took a sip of my coffee slowly breathing in and out. You might be wondering why the sudden angst, well truthfully speaking I have tried these known medical methods but they don’t seem to work. Actually, have you ever heard of the saying ‘If you are unwilling to help yourself even God can’t help you’, I am fully aware but unwilling. I hear a ring at the door. Ah! Just my perfect luck. Guess who?

I opened the door and a young man in a sky blue T-shirt and white trousers was smiling brightly, hair slightly wet and disheveled as if he had just left his house in a hurry after taking a shower. Yet in my eyes all I could see was a child who missed his parents after they spent a long day at work innocently waiting to greet them as they returned home. I looked at his face and I understood the reason behind his bilingual name. Bridged high nose, upwardly rounded slanted olive green eyes. Tanned skin. Though I didn’t want to admit it, his skin was making me feel jealous. He must have only inherited the good parts from his parents.

I was feeling a strange sense of familiarity towards the person standing in front of me but I couldn’t understand why, I was sure I had never met him before yesterday.

“Hello, Ms. Eden” he spoke, pulling me back from my thoughts, “Good morning I am your new neighbor, as I had introduced myself yesterday but since our meeting was an unexpected one I came to greet you formally today.”

“Oo yeah hi Mr. Tashi, nice to meet you.”

Anything else? I said to myself.

“May I have a glass of water if you don’t mind?” he asked after a moment of thinking.

I flinched at his question which seemed to have come out of nowhere.

I did mind but being the anti- social person I am, I didn’t know how to reject a person asking for a ‘glass of water’ on our first meeting.

I asked him to sit on the couch in the living room and went to bring a glass of water already aware of what’s to come. I am phobic to water as much as I hate to admit it, the truth still remains the same. I have had a dark history with water and it continues to become a hindrance in my daily life, till date. Still I picked up the Jug to pour water in the glass kept on the dining table (since the guest of mine is unaware of this fact naturally, since I hardly socialize with anyone other than Chloe). My hands started to tremble but I didn’t break the jug. I picked the glass of water while experiencing slightly severe hand tremors accompanied by a slight rise in my pulse rate. I made my way to the slightly known stranger waiting in the living

room.

“Here you go.” I place the glass of water in his hands, slightly proud of myself.

His eyes went to the bandage on my left arm as he took the glass of water from my hands but decided to keep silent.

It’s a wound from last month, yet to heal. I had simply cut myself with no intention of dying. Although the attempt indeed was a deadly one, I admit it. But you see I am still alive so I take it as no

harm done.

Anyways I returned my attention to him as he finished the glass of water.

“So, are you going to talk now?” I spoke, starting to feel a little irritated.

“You speak as though you already know what my answer will be.”

“I thought you expected this reaction since you placed your card in my hand and deliberately asked for a glass of water.”

“You are quite quick witted Ms. Eden how unexpected, but before I speak would you like to tell me how much of the truth you already know?”

“I know nothing of the truth you speak about but as you said I am quite quick witted. It is a very nice coincidence, Chloe, my roommate is not here, and I met my neighbor who just recently moved to a spot where I often spend my time when I get stressed. Not just that, the neighbor just happened to be a psychiatrist. The profession I so happened to despise the most. But my question to you is why did you willingly come here, given that Chloe could not have sent you here without informing you about my past history of self harm and violent behavior towards my past psychiatrists? Did you think you were special?”

“Given that you have yet to harm me I think I am.”

“Don’t you think it is a little too early to say that?” (Although I do find it odd that I didn’t hit him on the gate itself after coming to know his profession, let alone letting him drink water. I was experiencing some conversancy, maybe because of his origin I thought. )

“You know Ms. Eden I was there,” his words made me shiver. What is he talking about? “I was there when that incident took place.”

Those sole words were enough to make me feel like I was going insane.

“Johan was my brother. I know he must never have talked about our family, he used to hate our family more than anything. Our father had passed away when I was four and my brother was 13. Our mother decided to get remarried after 2 years. But sadly our step day was not the man he pretended to be. After going through continuous torture my brother was finally able to secure a job when he was only 21 and decided to leave the house along with me. I used to love Johan and considered him my only family. When you both had first started dating he was so happy he could barely sit silently. I was also happy for him. 3 years into the relationship he finally accepted my request for letting me see his girlfriend ever so often he used to talk about. We had decided to surprise you, so he told me to wait at the end of the bridge and pretend to be a passer-by. But I guess destiny had already played its cards. ”

Tears continued to roll down my cheeks, I wanted him to stop, I wanted to shout but I knew I had to listen.

“I know you blame yourself for that accident but I also know that it was not your fault. You had sustained injuries equal to that of my brother but the only difference was that you were able to survive and he wasn’t. Do you truly believe he wanted you to live like this, he was selfish for leaving you alone but you know he left me alone too…? When you both fell in the water flowing underneath the bridge after getting struck by the car I was petrified. I could only see you both slowly falling but I could hardly move from the realization that I might lose both of you. Then my eyes fell on your hands intertwined tightly, Johan shouting for you to stay alive and frantically trying to save you until the minute he lost consciousness. I couldn’t help but think that love is really blind. I called for an ambulance, but they couldn’t save my brother. I didn’t have any hopes but when your operation was successful I was glad that at least the woman my brother cherished had survived. You suffered from trauma and developed the phobia of water. I knew it from the start but I couldn’t approach you at that time. I didn’t know how you’d react. So, I left after asking for my identity to be kept hidden.”

“Let me be your Psychiatrist Eden not for your sake but for the sake of my brother. I truly wish for you to live a happy life. It makes my heart hurt thinking how would my brother feel seeing you like this. Please Eden give me a chance to do something for my brother which I couldn’t do when he was alive.”

“Do you really think I should start a new life?”

“Yes Eden I really do. So, do you take me as your psychiatrist?”

“You know Tashi, Johan used to love you just as he loved me, he used to tell me about not just your funny incidents but all your suffering as well. You were right he never liked to talk about his other family members but you were a special person to him, a brother he genuinely cared about.”

“And your answer is ….?” Tashi said in a slightly nervous tone.

"I take you as my psychiatrist but since I hate that word I would rather call you my doctor.” I smiled.

“Fine I am your doctor.” He laughed.

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It’s been 5 months since I started taking therapy sessions with Tashi and I have been doing much better or at least that’s what Tashi told me. I have been taking more walks recently as he suggested. I slowly started to touch water and use water more freely than I used to. I even went back to my office instead of doing my work from home, I need to socialize, he said. Tashi is very kind and meticulous when he is in his doctor mode and a little brother outside his clinic. Thanks to that I have made some friends and Chloe was able to return to her home. Though she is like an overprotective mum occasionally crashing on my house to check on me. I like how things have been going in my life. I hope you are also happy and proud of your brother and me wherever you are dear Johan.

~The End.