Fantasy Sad LGBTQ+

‘Are you there, God? It’s me…,’ I start as I enter the Heavenly Hall, smoothing the ruffled feathers on my white wings. I bite my tongue as I'm about to say more because I see as clear as day: he is not. He is not here. But where else would he ever be? I try to swallow my anxiety as I walk around the hall, my steps soundless on the cool, pillowy cloud underneath my bare feet. It’s empty, there is nothing, no entity, only pure white cloud that softly envelops me, making me feel like I am floating in a space where there is no up nor down. Feeling dizzy and disoriented I spread my wings to fly around one more time. Just to be sure.

‘God? My Lord? Where are you?!’ I raise my voice, feeling the taste of panic in my shout. Flapping my wings in distress like a trapped bird, I fly another round calling for God.

‘Selaphiel?’ Clear like church bells, I hear the angelic voice of Michael calling my name. Folding my wings I let myself fall through the cloud beneath. With one of his arms carefully sliding under my wings across my back, one beneath my knees he catches me, and I let him carry my weight with his own on his wings, safe in the knowledge that he is the strongest of us.

Looking up, at his golden curls falling onto his bare shoulders, his kind face, I think he has not changed at all whilst I briefly spent time on Earth, a decade as humans call it, spreading the word of God. It is refreshing to see my own kind again and I missed him — his support and guidance — especially. I take in his honest eyes flecked with golden stardust unlike any human's but very much like all of ours. His familiar looks calm me down a little, but he looks at me with worry in his hazel eyes.

‘Are you this tired?’

‘I had a long flight.’ I sigh. ‘There is something wrong, Michael. There is something wrong with mankind. Where is God?’

He blinks a few times, puzzled.

‘Why, he is in the Heavenly Hall of course.’

I shake my head.

‘I was just in there. He is not.’

Michael looks up towards the hall, at all the angels flying unbothered, going about their day and in and out the great hall. He looks at me with concern.

‘You seem exhausted, Selaphiel. Why don’t you lie down for a bit? I can assure you, everything is just fine.’


‘You can give your report later. The Lord will understand.’ he smiles. Weakly, I agree. I am the youngest after all, returning from my first mission on Earth among mankind. One that didn’t go to plan.

He lays me down on a fluffy cloud and I catch his hand as he is about to leave me.

‘I’m scared.’

‘Of what?’

‘Of Him being, well… gone.' I say in a small voice.

‘Don’t say that.’ Michael shakes his head. ‘He isn’t gone. You are just tired.’

‘I am, but… I’m not blind, am I? I see you. I can see you so clearly I could count the golden flecks in your eyes.’

‘Just sleep, Selaphiel. Everything is alright.’ he says softly.

‘How could I close my eyes, when–’

‘Hush. I’ll stay with you whilst you rest,’ he says and lays next to me, taking me under his warm wing as he lays on his stomach, holding his hands out and the space between his palms glows and sparkles as out of stardust his book and quill materialise in his hands. It was one of his blessings, using the stardust of the universe we were made of to make things for himself and safely store them away in the infinite skies. ‘I will go with you to see God when you wake.’

‘Thank you.’ I whisper, putting a hand on his silky wing as I close my eyes.

When I wake, he is still there as he promised, and I feel safe and comfortable underneath his strong wing. I smile at him sheepishly remembering the foolish things I have said. He smiles back and closes his book, making it disappear into gold dust that blows away as he closes his hands.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Like I have flown a thousand miles to come home… But happy to have made it.’ I pet his wing and he lifts it off me so that I can get up.

‘Are you ready to give your report?’

I take a deep breath and nod.

‘I am,’ I say, ‘but it is grave.’

‘Let’s go, then.’ He takes my hand and for fear of God, I am glad, he will stand beside me.

Gabriel is just leaving the Heavenly Hall as we get to it’s great entrance.

‘He is there?’ I ask him.

‘Why, where else he would be?’

‘Nowhere, I suppose.’ I blush, and he rolls his eyes.

‘Amen, little Selaphiel. We missed your brightness.’

‘Brother, don’t mock him. He is only young and tired of his journey.’

‘I wonder why God didn’t make him stronger.’ Gabriel says, looking me over.

‘Don’t wonder about His will, Gabriel.’ Michael scolds him.

‘I didn’t mean it like that…’ he grumbles. ‘Well, I’m busy.’


‘I am delivering the Lord’s blessings.’

‘Blessings…’ I repeat in a daze, thinking about all that I saw below and how I cannot imagine anyone noticing him. How the blessings may not even be enough.

‘Yes, blessings. Is there something wrong?’

No, I tell him, and thank him for his hard work, wish him a safe journey before he takes off, disappearing into the endless blue.

We walk in, and I shy behind Michael’s strong wings and confidently squared shoulders, as he walks to the middle of the hall and kneels in front of…

‘...God?’ I stare into the whiteness.

‘Kneel,’ Michael whispers and I drop to my knees. I listen to him talk, and when he prompts me, trembling, I say what I planned to say, about the struggles and the pain of the human kind, and how they have lost faith. How they are blinded to miracles and even I could not make them see, couldn’t help them believe. But I feel like nobody hears me. Or at least, no God. I know Michael wouldn’t lie to me, I know he cannot; but for me, we are utterly alone in the great white hall and I talk to the crisp air and clouds, unsure if anyone is listening. And worst of all, I hear no reply. I rush outside as soon as Michael stands up to leave.

‘What’s wrong? You seem… Unwell.’

‘I feel sick.’ I confess. ‘Michael, I… I can’t see Him. I can’t sense Him. I cannot even hear Him. It’s like it was only the two of us there. What’s happening to me?’

‘This isn’t funny…’ he says slowly.

‘Because it’s not a joke! I’m serious… I am serious. Please…’



‘What’s happening? I could hear you miles away!’ Raphael lands in front of us, nosy as ever..

‘Can you see God?!’ I grab his shoulders desperately.

‘Well of course?’ He stares blankly at me.

I bite my lip.

‘I must be very tired.’ I turn from him.

‘Where are you going?!’ Michael runs after me.

‘I feel strange, maybe I need to rest.’ I say as I make my way to a comfortable looking corner of the cloud.

‘We need to talk. You… you will need to confess.’ he whispers so Raphael can't hear him as he follows, driven by curiosity. 

‘...I know.’ I sigh as I drop myself onto the cloud and stretch my weathered wings before folding them around myself for comfort. Michael sits next to me and covers my back with his wing.

‘I can go with you.’ He says comfortingly, whilst Raphael sits himself in front of me, his clear blue eyes staring into my soul.

‘Selaphiel, did you get too close to mankind?’ he asks calmly.

 “No!” I want to say but no sound comes and the word dies in my mouth. Angels don't have the free will to lie. I purse my lips together and lay my forehead onto my knees with teary eyes. I only wanted to help.

‘Selaphiel!’ Michael exclaims. ‘I warned you!’

‘I know… I know.’

‘How close?’ Raphael asks.

Close, is all I say in reply. I know it was all too close. I was there. I felt the rough Earth beneath my feet and I got to know a human, I got to know a few, and I even let one love me. I felt human touch and human passion, fear and heartbreak, and I saw their struggles and suffering. I learnt their doubts, and how they were blinded to faith. They couldn't even see my wings at all.

"Look around, Selaphiel. There's no God. This is the damned world we live in, and in this purgatory, I'm sure, there is no way angels exist," said the human boy I grew fond of, gesturing at the piles of debris washed to shore, as his hand rested on my back, in the space between my wings.

‘I can’t even remember ever seeing Him now.’ I say to Michael when we are alone again and watch the stars around us. ‘Isn’t that incredibly stupid? I know I used to see Him, and talk to Him in the Heavenly Hall. Yet, now I question if I ever actually did.’ I say as I flick a distant star to shoot across the sky and make a wish. Michael sees it and says he wishes for me to get better.

‘It doesn’t work, if you tell me. You have to keep it a secret.’ I say.

‘How so?’

‘It’s what the humans say.’ I blush.

‘Mankind… they have solid ground to stand on, no matter what. Even if they fall at the end they won't know it. But all that holds you up here is belief. You cannot submit to doubt.’

‘I try not to.’ I say choked up. I know I am dying. I see my long blonde curls lose their shine and I start to feel cold, bitterly cold as snow forms around us, and I am unable to take pleasure in the crafting of the snowflakes with my brothers, shivering miserably like the men below. Michael keeps me under the warmth of his wing, and I go to the Heavenly Hall every day to look for God. Still, I cannot find him.

Soon, my wings betray me and my feet sink into the clouds, leaving me to fall through. I cannot fly anymore. I cannot walk the heavens.

‘I cannot carry you forever.’ Michael says with regret as he holds me in his arms. He cannot serve God with his hands full like this. ‘I’ll have to put you down soon.’

‘I will fall…’ I hold onto his shoulders.

‘On Earth. I’ll have to put you down on Earth.’

I close my eyes and wish he could hold me forever. But it wouldn’t be fair on him to die in his arms.

‘You can have a life, down there.’ He tries to cheer me up, but I’ve seen what it’s like, and I want none of it. I would rather die in his arms among the clouds not knowing where those go who die in heaven. I'd rather die in uncertainty than after a human lifetime of suffering. But I don't have a choice. It's a crime to kill an angel, or let one die here, even if one doesn't belong in heaven anymore. I say my goodbyes and he takes me to Earth. I feel heavy as he puts me down, and the uneven, hard ground digs into the skin of my soles under my weight.

‘Thank you. For everything.’ I say, fearing I will not have another chance in the whole of eternity to thank him.

‘I couldn’t save you.’

‘Still. You stayed by my side, your wings saved me from falling. I am thankful, truly.’

‘One more thing…’ He hesitates. I hug my weakened wings. I know what he means and I’m filled with cold dread.

‘I’m sorry.’

He waits for me to step in front of him, then strokes my wings gently before holding onto them. I think I can feel his hands tremble, but I’m not sure, because I’m shaking too, anticipating the worst pain. I have seen men being ripped apart during my time on Earth, I've heard the breaking of bones, and their blood curdling screams. As much as I want to stay strong, not wanting to make this any harder than it has to be, my instincts betray me as his grip tightens slightly.

‘Don’t!’ I scream in terror, trying to back out. ‘Don’t take them… Please. Please, I am begging you! Don't hurt me...’ I cry, betraying myself and His will, tarnished with human fear. Michael pulls me into a tight hug, his hands stroking my wings calmingly as I tremble in fear under his every touch. To my relief, he tells me he can't do it.

I relax into his embrace and even through my closed eyelids I see the air starting to glow bright and sparkle. I can feel my wings feather by feather, turning into stardust, disappearing painless and beautiful, to be kept at his magical fingertips. He didn’t take them like he was supposed to, ripping them out my back to punish me. My wings won't die with me after all, and I am so relieved I could cry.

‘I’ll keep them for you… For when you return.’ He whispers.

‘...Are you sure? You had different orders.’ I sob despite knowing I could never take it, not without screaming, crying or begging him at all. I am too scared and I am glad he has sinned, though I can't help but worry for him. He holds my tear-soaked face in his hands.

‘I’ll confess to it. I was weak and did the wrong thing, but mercy is a small sin, and it is my first mistake. I will be granted forgiveness’ he looks away and I am glad he doesn’t say the orders were wrong. I would hate myself if I caused him to lose faith and made him end up like me, a mortal down in the dust.

I point at the sky and he points too to flick the star I chose across the sky for me. He makes it a spectacular comet with a beautiful, long tail travelling through the night.

‘Make a wish.’

‘You too.’ I follow the shooting star blazing across the night sky and feel that his eyes are fixed on me. I wonder if he is imagining me age and shrivel and die, like I will in no time living the short life of a human, and he won't be able to help.

‘Don't look.’ I say to him quietly. ‘When you are back up there, don't look down at me.’

‘What did you wish for?’

‘And you?’ I look at him and we exchange a smile. We both won’t say it this time.

‘I will see you again.’

‘After I turned to dust.’

‘Stardust.’ he gives me a loving smile. ‘You will come back to me.’

I smile as I imagine him in the skies, bringing me back to my body, my wings, in a big swirl of golden glow and sparkles, fixing me finally. This feeling, warm and fuzzy like stardust, stays with me when I am left alone, upholding faith and giving me hope. 

Earth is hell, but even in these deep dirty cracks of the world, creatures shine. The good glows within them still, despite their loss of faith, through the thick smog in the air, even through the dark blanket of hopelessness over their hearts dimming their light, kind souls shine through, twinkling like stardust in angel hands.

‘Guide me.’ I whisper, asking the skies above.

I can find light again.

I will find my way home.

February 08, 2022 17:13

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K. Antonio
21:16 Feb 14, 2022

Hello, Riel! I had read this story earlier but didn't have time to comment. I really enjoyed the romantic elements of the piece and found the setting and the characters interesting. An angel not being able to see or converse with God after having contact with the human race was quite a creative twist on the prompt. I agree with Zack when I say I wanted to know about the main character's relationship with the human boy, its a point that I'd be interested to follow in this story. Nice job on your first story and WELCOME TO REEDSY!!


Riel Rosehill
21:48 Feb 14, 2022

Hello, thanks a lot for taking your time to leave a comment, and for the feedback, I really appreciate it! I might circle back to these characters to explore that relationship a little more in the future, it intrigues me too. For this one, I didn't give it the time of page, for better or worse, but to be honest I felt really lost looking at the prompts for this contest and I'd be lying if I said I knew what I was doing. Half way into the next one, I'm accepting this as a feeling to get used to with the tight deadlines here..! But I'm happy t...


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Amanda Lieser
04:28 Jun 17, 2022

Hello! Oh my gosh! This story tugged at my heart strings. As a practicing Catholic, I feel you captured the intense relationship around faith and the way it ebbs and flows beautifully. I’m so glad I read this story because it added more to your other piece. I also love how you created the angel characters who all have opinions on the actions of your MC, but come from a place of love. I recently have officially dove into SciFi for the first time with my piece “Near Death Experience” and I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’d also like to hear ho...


Riel Rosehill
19:22 Jun 18, 2022

Hi Amanda! Thank you for reading! This comment was super interesting: "I feel you captured the intense relationship around faith and the way it ebbs and flows beautifully." I'm not religious so this wouldn't have crossed my mind. It's fascinating how a story can have slightly different themes/meaning viewed through a different lens. Thanks for your lovely comment, I will make sure to check out your new story soon! 😃


Amanda Lieser
19:30 Jun 18, 2022

Absolutely agree with the comment about how different things resonate with different readers. It’s one of my favorite experiences with this platform.


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Graham Kinross
04:24 May 22, 2022

This is beautiful and poetic. I like the optimism.


Riel Rosehill
07:54 May 22, 2022

Thank you! 🥰


Graham Kinross
14:08 May 22, 2022

Do you have any more fantasy or science fiction stories?


Riel Rosehill
14:25 May 22, 2022

I do! I'm not 100% sure which ones you've read so here's the full list: - The Damning Wish (which is the prequel to Stars to Dust) - The Price of Science (space lizards) - At The Last Meal (urban fantasy) - Our Sweet, Happy Beginning (romance, urban fantasy) - The Picture by Lisa B. (horror - urban fantasy) - Prince of Misfortune (from my borderline fantasy WIP) - The Fire Within (the newest, pure fantasy - dragons) That's all I've got at the moment :)


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Lavonne H.
22:08 Apr 07, 2022

Dear Riel, I am so glad I read your prequel first ;) I already had feelings for Selaphiel and the thought of his wings being pulled from him had my stomach in knots. Michael will always be there for him and I was touched by his spirituality; helping Selaphiel survive expulsion from heaven with stardust seems more in keeping with a loving god. I totally agree--this is a novel in the making! Some day in the future? Yours in writing, Lavonne


Riel Rosehill
22:15 Apr 07, 2022

Oh I'm so happy they worked being read in this correct/backwards order! I wasn't sure... When I wrote this one I really wasn't planning on expanding it, but comments here inspired me to eventually write "The Damning Wish" So now I'd say never say never, I love these characters, but I have a novel in the making I will need to finish first! Thank you for reading this one too, I really appreciate your feedback, it made my day!


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J.C. Lovero
00:49 Mar 13, 2022

Hi Riel, I really enjoyed this story. The themes of Heaven and Earth, as well as stars and dust, were very poignant throughout. I really enjoyed the interactions between Michael and Selaphiel, all culminating to a bittersweet ending filled with hope. Thanks for sharing this with us!


Riel Rosehill
06:43 Mar 13, 2022

Hi J.C., Thank you for taking your time to read and comment on this one! I have a little bit of a soft spot for this story so I'm glad you enjoyed it too. Thanks a lot!


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Boutat Driss
10:06 Feb 18, 2022

Great style. Beautiful tale. I liked it. Well done.


Riel Rosehill
19:49 Feb 18, 2022

Thanks, and thank you for leaving a comment!


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Howard Seeley
03:28 Feb 17, 2022

Hi Riel, Welcome to Reedsy. I find your story interesting, and I will comment on it more after I give it some thought. Good luck on your next story!


Riel Rosehill
08:32 Feb 17, 2022

Thanks, I look forward to reading your thoughts on it!


Howard Seeley
03:16 Feb 19, 2022

Sorry for the delay. I did enjoy your story, after remembering it was a piece of fiction. But the thought of angels, coming to Earth and being tainted, then able to return to Heaven retaining that taint, is incomprehensible to me. God created our universe from a void which existed and thus it is filled with splendor, remains imperfect. If Heaven is perfect, then anything that's not perfect cannot contaminate Heaven. Angels travel between Heaven and Earth. Satan, came to Earth, but did not return to Heaven, Men and Women die and their souls...


Riel Rosehill
06:26 Feb 19, 2022

Hi Howard! Thank you for your feedback, I totally understand how parts might not logically work if you think like that. My story was only inspired by Christian stories (I borrowed the names of angels, and the idea of them and God) rather than based on those beliefs - it is indeed a piece of fantasy fiction, quite removed from the actual religion, and that's one of the reasons why I didn't put it in the "Christian" category - as Bible-rules here don't apply. I hope this explains the discrepancies like Heaven being imperfect and such and I h...


Howard Seeley
20:55 Feb 19, 2022

I see you've been busy reading my stories. If you want a link to my secret stash of novels (rough drafts to published works), send me your email address to howard@hkseeley.com


Riel Rosehill
21:07 Feb 19, 2022

I've only read "The Stoning" actually, the one I commented on. Got quite a lot on my TBR right now (trying desperately to finish reading The White Princess by Philippa Gregory before the end of the month and then I'm onto Circe!) but thank you for the offer.


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Hen Neralany
08:52 Feb 15, 2022

Excellent story! I enjoyed it!


Riel Rosehill
09:21 Feb 15, 2022

Thank you Hen, I'm glad you did!


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Zack Powell
18:26 Feb 13, 2022

This was heartbreaking, Riel. The slow build-up into the big reveal that Selaphiel had lost his ability to see God was so well-written, and it's even more painful on a reread. I kept trying to guess why he couldn't see God, and I think gave us the reason at the exact right time in the story. You chose as a great title too, and I thought the dust/stardust motif here provided that final Selaphiel/Michael interaction the push it needed to be emotionally successful. Them not telling each other their wishes was my favorite part. Side note: What'...


Riel Rosehill
19:11 Feb 13, 2022

Hey Zack, thank you so much for this! I don't know if I would expand the story (got no such plans as of now) but I can totally see myself writing a scene with his human lover for another short, if a prompt strucks the right cord or inspiration strikes. Never say never! I will try and participate in the contest weekly, so we will probably see more of each other's work - I will definitely be looking out for yours!


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