By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. Every fibre of my being broke into tiny pieces and turned into nothing. The sun burned through my eyes as my tears fell onto the burned floor. The leaves were burned to ashes and the person who stood in front of the autumn pile was once again whole with the Earth.
It was time again, just like it had been every year when I had finally found him and it was time to leave again. I am cursed, I have been, for centuries and I am willing to do that for the person I have loved the most. If my death gives him the chance to live, then I will die, every year, every day, and every second of this ruthless life.
I had committed a grave sin of meddling with human lives and when monsters like me disrupt the natural order of life, we get punishments. My punishment was either letting my loved one die or take my life each year for his well-being. Of course, I chose the latter.
He was my childhood friend, if I was ever alone, he was always there for me. At 4o’ clock in the morning, at midnight, he had always put me first. I was incapable of love and he changed that. He made me turn from a monster into a creature, a special creature that only existed for him.
I had left the path of dark and joined him in his life, in his missions, in his passions. I abandoned myself for his sake.
The heavens were always against us, a monster and a human could never be together, no matter what I became, I was not allowed to be near him, I wasn’t allowed to be a part of him. The gods that everyone calls peaceful, the ones that everyone believes to be righteous took the only person who I cared about, far away from me.
I had learned from him that life meant more than hiding in the dark, I learned that life is given to live, to make memories, to laugh, to love, to find him, and to be with him.
But now he’s not here anymore.
I see him walk down the roads of forgotten memories, holding hands of someone I don’t know. He goes home every night at 8 pm and goes to work at 6 in the morning. He works hard for the family he has created, he laughs like there’s no tomorrow and he lives for them.
He is alive and I am nowhere to be found. I have reduced into a piece of nothingness. I am the forgotten memory of the past that no one never wants to remember. I am nothing but a fragment of his wild imagination.
I do not exist for him anymore, and yet he still exists in every part of me.
Another year has passed and it is time for me to go. I don’t know if I will be able to find him again, but I want to, I want to see him smile again. Even if the smile isn’t for me, I want to see the smile that brightens my heart and crushes my pain into little specks of dust.
For this year, I figured I’ll try another way of death, something not so painful. My heart is already empty and it still cannot hold this pain any longer.
I mixed rat poison in my favourite soup and drank every bit of it. It tasted funny but I couldn’t avoid it, I had already gotten used to this. I had cried the first few years, but now I had grown accustomed to this auspicious ritual and just wanted to get it over with.
My will to live is slowly giving up, I don’t know how long I would be able to hurt myself for his sake. Today, I just want to turn into ashes and never come to this world again.
I hate seeing him with someone else, I hate when he smiles so big and I am not there to kiss him, I hate that I don’t exist for him.
If I don’t exist for him then why am I alive?
Slowly, over the years, I accepted death and it became a part of me. I am now hollowed inside out with nothing left to destroy.
I look down at my trembling hands and stare at him from a place he won’t look at because he never does.
He is sitting with his family, having a picnic, laughing together and playing board games. His life seems good, and I’m glad I can give him that happiness, even if it’s not direct.
My eyes are filled with tears, and my ears are ringing. My insides are being burned, it seems as if my body is playing with fire. I am so tired, I have not slept for the past few days, I keep wishing he would look at me, just once.
My head is heavy and I can no longer hold myself up. I reluctantly fall on my knees and tears spill out on this lonely face of mine. My heart is begging for mercy, but my mouth is too tired to form words.
For the last time, I look in his direction, and I see nothing but blurry sceneries dancing in front of me. Maybe death is also just as cruel as life, and I belong nowhere. My eyes drop to the ground and my heart burns in misery, why won’t the gods accept my love?
I cannot stop myself from crying, my existence is being erased again, my love for him is being erased, there will be no one left to remember our love, life would go on as if we never existed.
I want to yell out his name and call him near me but I can’t for his own sake. We are so close but he lives in a different world than me. I can only cry from behind, only from a place he will never see. I am no longer his, and he’s not mine.
In the end, I can only say that love isn’t made for monsters like me.