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Fiction Funny

“We have a dilemma,” said a panicked Mike as he entered the room.

Stewie held up his hand as he continued to groom himself. Once he could rip loose the top part of his toenail with his teeth and spit it out, he put his hand down. He checked out all his toes and saw he did a good job.

“This is urgent!” cried out Mike.

“What can be so important to interrupt my important task of looking better?” asked Stewie, as he looked at Mike with a toenail on his nose.

“You make me itch,” said Mike as he wiped at his nose.

“Maybe if you used soap more often, it would stop the itching.”

“We are very limited to soap in the village. Anyway, it’s not about me. You have a toenail on your nose.”

Stewie swiped the nail off his nose and looked at the nail.

“Don’t you dare eat it!” Mike cried out in disgust.

“You eat your boogers,” pouted Stewie, as he flicked the nail away.

“Much healthier," said Mike.

Stewie huffed, then turned to a mirror. “Why are you here?”

Mike was about to speak, but abruptly clamped his mouth shut. He scratched his head, then the whiskers on his chin as he tried to remember why he came to see Stewie.

“If you have nothing to say, can you please leave so I can continue to groom myself,” said Stewie as he grabbed his tweezers to pluck out his nose hairs.

Mike gave up and was about to turn around when the lightbulb came back on.

“Your father has disappeared!” Mike blurted out.

“He always disappears,” Stewie casually said.

“For an entire month?”

Stewie put his tweezers down and looked at Mike. “Didn’t his guards go with him?”

“They are missing too.”

Stewie remained silent for a while as he tried to process the situation. For his standing in the village, there wasn’t much asked of him. Most of the time he just sat in his little hut, doing very little, including thinking.

“What is the dilemma?” Stewie asked.

“The dilemma is that since your father is missing, you are now in charge of the village,” said Mike.

Stewie leaped up and quickly went to Mike. “What do you mean, I’m in charge? I have no interest in being in charge.”

“That is the dilemma.”

“What about my brother and sisters?” Stewie frantically stated.

“A giant catfish swallowed your brother, George. You remember the one he tried to make as his pet?”

“Oh yeah! It probably wouldn’t have happened if it became my pet first.”

“Possibly. You were trying to become friends with that talking dragon. Turns out to be a safer route than the catfish.”

“I wouldn’t say receiving a burnt butt is the safer route.”

“You are still alive,” said Mike with a smile.

“I will give you that,” Stewie remarked, as he went back to his chair. “What about my sister?”

“You don’t have a sister.”

“I don’t? What about Clarissa I played with dolls all the time?”

“I have told you many times that she is not your sister. She is your friend. That is what your father told me before he disappeared.”

“How many times have you asked him?” Stewie asked with a grin.

“Does it matter?”

“Everything matters to me.”

“A dozen times,” said Mike.

Stewie laughed at his friend, who was red in the face.

“I don’t have any relatives to take charge?” Stewie asked with concern.

“Nope.”

“Oh my,” said Stewie, as he ran his hand through his hair. “This is quite the dilemma.”

“Do you have a clue how to run a village?” asked Mike.

“I don’t have a clue. Father never taught me.”

Stewie thought of the many times he had little meetings with his father.

“Ready to be taught how to be a leader?” his father would ask him.

“I need to work on my hair. Maybe later.”

“Ready to be taught?”

“I have a headache.”

“Ready to be taught?”

“I have an upset stomach. Spend the day by the stream.”

“Ready to be taught?”

“My brain doesn’t want to learn anything today.”

Stewie lost count of the times his dad asked him. He figured there were still many years before teaching. Of course, he thought he had siblings, so never had to worry.

“That happens when you stay in your hut all the time,” he thought.

“This village won’t last if you don’t take the leadership role,” said Mike.

“Do you think if I make a figure that looks like me, we will be okay?” asked Stewie.

“Huh?”

“We can put the figure in the middle of the village. Everyone will see that I am watching the people.”

Mike thought for a few seconds. “That might be a good idea.”

“Then let’s get…”

“Wait!” cried out Mike.. “What if they ask the figure a question? Or maybe try to play a game?”

“I will tell them I am too busy to play and answer their stupid questions.”

“Won’t you be in your hut?”

Stewie opened his mouth, but as he tried to ponder on the predicament, he closed his mouth.

“I guess that won’t work.”

Stewie tried to think of something, but realized by being in his hut all the time caused his learning skills to lack big time. Then he got an idea.

“What if I stayed in my hut and called out to the villagers?”

“Will you know how to talk to them? Answer their questions?”

Stewie’s grin changed to a frown, but then back to a grin.

“What if you stayed in my hut and responded?”

Before Mike could tell him he was a fool, there was cheering and cries of joy outside.

“What is that?” asked Stewie.

“Something good,” replied Mike, about to turn around.

“Wait!” called out Stewie. “Is it sunny out there?”

“No. It’s cloudy.”

“Good. The sun always scares me. Let’s go.”

The two went out and went to the middle of the village, where everyone gathered. The two pushed their way through the crowd until they were by the well. Leaning up against the well was Stewie’s father. He was telling everyone that he was okay.

“I survived the battle with the dragon, but I lost a leg. I hobbled all the way back here.”

Stewie was excited to see his father, for now he didn’t have to rule. He rushed to his father to hug, but remembered his father didn’t like hugs. Instead, he slapped his father on the shoulder. His father, leaning against the well, fell over and down the well.

Mike came over to a stunned Stewie.

“I believe we have a dilemma,” said Mike.

May 25, 2021 00:19

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20 comments

22:33 Jul 02, 2021

Great ending! Love the double dilemma. I was a bit lost at the point that Stewie didn't know if he had siblings, is he just completely useless? Because he's stuck in his hut all the time? Interesting character. If you want crit there is very little I picked up on. A couple of minor things that are really picky...such as the split infinitive here: “He always disappears,” Stewie casually said. It might read better as: “He always disappears,” said Stewie, casually. But really, not much else stood out. Good, fun, entertaining story. Thank y...

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Corey Melin
23:24 Jul 02, 2021

Greatly appreciate the comments and critique. Stewie is quite clueless in all my stories. He is in the one this week

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Yvone Mthembu
08:27 Jun 03, 2021

Stewie , stewie I loved the fact that it was light yet dramatic.

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Corey Melin
14:01 Jun 03, 2021

Thank you for the comments!

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A.D. Stark
17:32 May 30, 2021

Cool story! Could you leave a comment on mine? Here's the link: https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/95/submissions/69755/

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Corey Melin
17:40 Jun 02, 2021

Thank you for the comment

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Ruth Smith
19:30 May 28, 2021

That was pretty funny.

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Corey Melin
17:40 Jun 02, 2021

Thank you for the comment

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Julian Race
16:45 May 27, 2021

Thought you might like this https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/julian-race/

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Corey Melin
23:09 May 27, 2021

I will check it out

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Rayhan Hidayat
11:39 May 27, 2021

Crude and funny as always, Corey!

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Corey Melin
14:14 May 27, 2021

The world of Stewie and Mike. Crude and funny

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Kat Sencen
01:55 May 26, 2021

HELLO THERE! I HAVE AN IDEA! I declare June 10th as NATIONAL UPVOTING DAY!!! (Although its not really national. That just makes it sound better.) On that day we will do all the upvoting we want to. Hopefully a lot. We won't necessarily focus on anyone, just people who have been downvoted. Every point matters. Copy and paste this message, and hopefully we will do some major upvoting!

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Nyx ⛥
14:28 May 25, 2021

Wow, you so close to 50 story's! Yahoo!

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Corey Melin
14:33 May 25, 2021

To be honest I’m actually closer to 100 stories. I removed a chunk of stories a while back

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Nyx ⛥
14:33 May 25, 2021

why did you do that?

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Corey Melin
14:40 May 25, 2021

When I first started writing it was all about winning the contest. At one point I was about to leave and removed a bunch of stories. Then I decided I don’t give a rip about winning. It’s a joy to write and read the imagination out there

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Nyx ⛥
14:56 May 25, 2021

wow.... I'm just on here so i can make friends haha

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Corey Melin
15:13 May 25, 2021

Hopefully you have found many friends. Always nice to have someone to turn to during turbulent times and just to chat

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