When it Turns to Dust

I'm Nol born in the Province of Cebu. At the age of fourteen I started to make my own living. Life in the mountain area is very difficult and there's no day or night that I strive hard for me to survive. At the age of twenty, I decided to take a risk and went to Manila City in Luzon, Philippines. I started from scratch again, finding job wasn't that easy at all especially I didn't even finish my highschool. Renting a small room is difficult, I only have small amount of money that is good for only less than two weeks. I hated myself for being poor and even wish to die. For weeks in Manila, I get some extra jobs like carwash, collecting garbages, cargo boy, selling bottle of water in the crowded streets and I even volunteer as a barangay tanod. I know that my income is not that much, it's only good for the room rent and I only eat twice a day sometimes one meal for a day if I lost my budget. For 2 months of relying only for extra jobs, a friend of mine asked me if I want to become a janitor in a private hospital. I don't need to think twice, I apply to the said agency. Interview is quite nervous but later on, I got accepted as a janitor at the private hospital. It's very tough but somehow I get to used of my job. Everyday, I started my duty at exactly 4 in the afternoon until 12 midnight. It's quite convenient though, I can spend more time for myself in the morning and even do some extra job in the streets which is selling bottled water, candies and cigarettes. Until I meet someone, her name is Ana. The funny thing is we meet in unexpected way. She accidentally hit me with the bag she threw. I was shocked on what she did, on the distance where I stand I saw a man looking at her with his eyes full of pity. But he didn't approach her instead he left without even looking back. I get the situation, this woman is brokenhearted. I pick the bag she threw and gave it to her. I was hesitant to come near her but when I saw she sobs, hurriedly offer her my towel. She accepted and apologize on what she did awhile ago. I asked her if she wants me to leave, I didn't expect that her answer would be no. Well, I don't really know how to comfort someone. In my whole life I don't have someone to cry on in times when I'm down. I don't hate my parents for leaving me behind even though I don't feel the love of my parents I still love them despite all the difficulties I've encounter. The only thing that I hated the most is knowing the fact I'm all alone in the darkeness no one is been there for me. I despice people who have someone to lean on. Living desperately in this world is somehow like living in hell. After that incident, Ana asked me if I could accompany her to a drink. I politely decline and said that I still got jobs to do. Nevertheless on what she asked, I just don't feel drinking at all. What's the point in getting drunk if the pain will never go away. It'll make it more worst and even give you hang over. She asked me if I have cellphone, I answered her that I've got no phone at all. Then she bid me goodbye and even said that she'd like to meet me once again. I'm happy that she went on her way, I don't actually looking forward to meet her again. I don't want to get involved in somewhat called love. Months passed by, while I was in my shift at the hospital I saw a familiar face. At first I just ignore that person but when she pass by me, my eyes widen and couldn't believe that it was Ana. She stop near the corridor where I was cleaning and looked at my direction. She then said that "Hey, Nol. I didn't expect that you're working here." I froze and stammering but she tap my back, that's when I wake up to reality. She's a nurse in this hospital for almost 4 years and it was her first time to have a night shift. We talked the whole evening and told her that my shift is over. Then she said to me that she'd like to treat me before my shift tomorrow. Would I decline for the second time? Hell, no. That would be rude if I'll decline for the second time. The next day, we meet in a café and walked together to a restaurant. I'm a bit shy because I never been into restaurants. Foods are expensive and I cannot afford to buy one. I told her that it might be good if we just eat in a fastfood but she insist and said that she'll pay everything. It's her treat for thanking me and in a way to apologize on hitting me with her bag. Everyday Ana would asked me to hang out with her despite knowing our different status in life. We talked so many things from the past months and something came up different. I never felt this feelings before, not in my entire life. Is this what they call love or is it just infatuation or maybe admiration? I don't know yet but I need to figure it out. Until one time, I talked to Ana and said that I have this feelings for her that I can't even explain. She didn't even respond to what I've said instead she hugged me tight. I don't know how to react, then she faced me and said that she feels the same way to. I couldn't believe it that someone like me would find a love. After that confession, we get more and more closer. I know my status in life is so low unlike Ana, she's a professional and got a degree but that's not a problem. The thing is we love each other, we accept who we are and embrace our differences. But after years of relationship, everything falls apart. Not like before that we're hunger for each others arms, now we always have arguments. Everything turns upside down from sweetness to bitterness. We don't feel the love anymore. One day I talked to Ana and asked her what happened to us. For the few months we acted as strangers and didn't get to see each other not even phone calls. Somethings wrong, I couldn't figure it out. I tried to reach her once again but nothing happened. This time she calls and wanted to meet me. We meet in the place where it all started, she then talked to me and said that for many years of being together she finally realized that she still love her ex. I don't get it at first but it slowly sink in to my mind that I was being used. Ana said that she loved me but nothing compares to the love she have for her ex. I was devastated and couldn't accept it. I love her but turns out I'll be hating her more than anyone else. I get mad and even said hurtful words to her. She lied to me the whole time, how could she? I gave my all, everything that I have and there's nothing left for me. Even self love, I lost. The feeling of betrayal, I couldn't feel myself anymore. That's what I get in return of loving someone more than loving myself.