You Make Me Do Crazy Things

Jack dragged me out here for a weekend cruise on his cousin’s boat. I didn’t want to go at first and I still wish that I was somewhere else rather than the middle of the ocean, but he convinced me that it would give us time to bond and work on the issues that we’ve been having. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to talk things over with him if it’s just us for the weekend. There’s a lot I’ve been meaning to bring up. I even made myself a list of what I wanted us to talk about, but, of course, the cruise doesn’t consist of just us. Instead, his whole family decided to join. 

Having known his family for over a year now, I know that they aren’t the quiet type. When there’s a family outing, they go all out. They really are nice people, but they’re also the type of people that won’t leave you be. So, I said goodbye to my original plans and tried to settle into their plans for the next few days. 

After the first night, I have forgotten about everything that had come to the surface when I thought up that list. Well, nearly everything. I’ve buried it just like I do again and again while I wait for when he wants to talk. I may as well enjoy the company and the distraction these people bring. 

Their boat isn’t large, but it’s a good size. A wide enough deck for the ten of us on board and a cabin with—conveniently—five rooms. 

After breakfast today, I’ve settled for sitting out on the deck and bathing in the sun. I’ve stolen a few minutes of quiet. It lets me relax, yet it also allows me to think. 

The anxieties I’ve been having are popping up again. I try to bury them down, but that seems to make it worse. Sometimes, I wish Jack was more attentive. I wish he would be more willing to listen to what I have to say, even if he doesn’t like it himself. I guess you can’t have everything you want and need in a partner. Some things are always going to be spared. 

Footsteps approach me. I know they’re his because they’re heavy and they come way too close to me. I keep my eyes closed, bathing in my last few seconds of solitude. 

“Theresa,” he grabs my attention. I open my eyes to meet his gaze through my sunglasses. “Stop doing that.” 

I’m about to question what he means when I realize. I slide my hand off of my stomach, narrowing my gaze up at him. 

“You know why-“ 

“I know,” I sigh, cutting him off. I don’t want to hear his reasoning again.

I fix my gaze past him, my mood unfortunately souring. The smell of the salt water sea and the birds chirping above us doesn't do anything to lift my spirits; he's still standing next to me. 

"What's going on?" I try to soften my voice in hopes that he'll figure out I'm only curious, not looking for a fight.

He shrugged. "Wanted you to join the fun. You look lonely over here." 

I'm clearly the opposite. "I'm just fine over here." 

"Why don't you like my family?" 

I raise an eyebrow, my shoulders tensing. "I never said that, Jack. Don't put words in my mouth." 

"I'm not putting words in your mouth," he huffs, sitting down on the bench beside me. 

I bring my arms in, feeling an urge to shove him away from me.  

He adds on, "I'm taking words out of your mouth because you won't stop hinting at it." 

I purse my lips, feeling more annoyed as the seconds fly by. I don't understand his way of thinking. He's so scared of anyone finding out. For what reason? He says the past is in the past. That's all I've managed to get out of him. 

"I can't believe- it's not going to kill you if they know. It's not like anything else will happen now," I say. The waterworks are coming on, but before I can feel anything else, a scream pulls at everyone's attention. 

Jack's little cousin, Gracie, is leaning over the rail of the deck a few feet away, screaming a name over and over. I sit up, catch a glimpse of a stuffed dog in the water and pull off my sunglasses all in one swift motion. The thought previously in my mind drives me as I sprint ahead and dive over the railing. 

My foot hits the metal and I can't help myself from cursing at the pain, resulting in my mouth filling with a handful of salt water on the way down. I struggle not to choke on the water, not quite sure what I'm doing, diving after a stuffed animal. Finally, though, I clutch it in my grasp and swim to the surface. My eyes are stinging and my throat throbs from my constant coughing. I spit out the rest of the water and swim to the ladder hanging off the side of the boat. 

Everyone's watching. It’s the only thing I’m able to comprehend before my brain catches up with my impulsive decision. 

I latch onto the ladder. 

"Mini!" Gracie happily calls to her stuffed dog. I can't help a smile from forming on my lips as I pull myself up to the deck, wearing a few extra pounds of wet clothes. 

"Theresa! What-" Jack cuts himself off, not sure what to say to my actions. 

I throw my leg over and finally I'm back on the deck. I hand Gracie her dog after squeezing the water out of it. Her tears seize and the eight year old latches onto me with a grateful grin. I chuckle, hugging her back even though I'm soaked and beginning to shiver. 

"Thank you, T! Thank you!"  

I smile and crouch down to her level when she pulls away from me. I rest my hands on her shoulders, telling her, "keep Mini safe, okay? She doesn't like being so close to the edge." 

"Okay," she nods. 

I stand, wiping the dark strings of hair out of my face and fixing my shirt and shorts. When I turn around to go change, Jack is there with a look of shock on his face. I can feel a headache starting so I hold up a hand to him, signaling that I'm not in the mood to hear what he's going to say. 

I’m thankful that he doesn't follow as I enter the cabin and find the room I'm staying in. I search my suitcase for a clean outfit and then I feel it hit me once again. The tears start to pool in my eyes no matter how hard I bite my tongue. I quickly grab something and throw myself into the bathroom before anyone has the possibility of seeing me break. 

Leaning back against the door, I let a sob fall from my lips as my hand returns to my stomach. Jack's not here to tell me not to hint at it. I’m allowed to remember my little one for a moment and wish they could still be in there, wish I could have told everyone how happy I was knowing I had a baby growing inside of me. 

I conclude that I dove in after that stuffed animal because I was very much in a motherly mode. I was defending the idea of our child to Jack when another child was in need. I jumped up without thinking because what if that was my little one? 

I take in a deep breath and hold it, trying to calm my racing heart and rid myself of the pain I'm feeling in my foot. I wouldn't take this back, though. I would do this all again. 

"You, my darling…" I whisper down to the empty void that is my stomach, "you make me do crazy things."