It wasn't like any other day, Jenine was finally going to end her life today. She had been planning on a day for a long time, and today everything just broke, it broke apart so suddenly, so silently, so intensely that she finally wanted to give up, she finally decided to give up.
Perhaps it was on impulse or maybe she had been broken for a long time now, she just wanted to leave, to rest a little.
Jenin was alone at home, she had locked all doors, she was scared but there was no stopping her now, she had already poured her misery on herself.
Her clothes reeked of gasoline, her hair stuck to her skin and she gently closed her eyes.
Last night was a disaster, one second she was happy and the other something broke inside of her, maybe she had realized she could never get her old self back, maybe she finally found out she had been lost long ago.
Jenin opened her eyes and looked around in the kitchen cabinets. She didn't want to think any further, feel any further, she just wanted to end it, she wanted to end her pain, she wanted to end the person that was so vulnerable and so miserable.
After searching for about a minute, Jenin finally found an old matchbox hidden at the end of a drawer and smiled. She felt a cold chill run through her spine and shook her head.
It was around 12pm in the morning, Jenin's siblings had gone to school and her mom to work. She didn't want to hurt her family but she also didn't want to let the place, where she suffered every day, become her siblings’ fate.
There are a lot of reasons, a lot of people to blame but Jenin knew better to not, she rather go crazy on herself than let the pain seep through someone else and watch them murder themselves, hence Jenin kept quiet.
Without a second thought, Jenin poured more gasoline on the kitchen floor. There wasn't much in the bottle that she had bought, therefore she could only choose one spot to start the fire from.
Jenin was scared, her hands shook from fear and tears rolled down her eyes, she could feel someone inside from her begging her to stop, to give her another chance but Jenin knew better than to trust those voiceless thoughts.
She quickly lit a match and waited for it to light up but she was so scared that she dropped the matchbox on the floor and threw the match far away.
The fire chose its route and danced in front of her, her pain would finally cease today.
Jenin collected herself, she had thought a lot about today, and she had finally gotten the perfect opportunity to end her life, just one last painful memory and everything would be gone, she would be gone.
Death was scary but it also comforted Jenin, she quickly picked up her pearl white dress and ran towards her parent's room.
Jenin was so scared that she could not think about anything but her parents, the sole people that had brought this outcome onto her.
Even when inviting death, Jenin missed her parents.
There was also another person Jenin missed, she had dared not think about him. Jenin never called him by his name, only a "my joy" could escape her mouth.
Jenin's eyes were blurry and her heart was in great turmoil, a part of her was trying to knock some common sense into her and the other was at peace, and Jenin knew which side she preferred. She curled up on the end of her parent's bed and let her memories run through her mind.
Jenin had met the love of her life, her joy, in school. They were both in history class, worked on a project together and ultimately fell in love. It seems like any normal story except Jenin was too scared of love, she was so scared that she dared not enjoy the feeling of love and neither did she allow him to love her.
However, Jenin forgot that one cannot stop love, forgot that love is greater than all odds. The same love that led her to this day is the same love that would save her.
Jenin had texted her family members a last "take care of yourself" and the same to the love of her life. She tried her best to keep everything as normal as possible and went on about her plan.
But Jenin again forgot that the person that had fallen in love with her was the same as her. Two souls that bore immense pain finally found each other, the other knew better not to trust her words.
Jenin's house was overwhelmed with smoke, it reeked of ash, her nose scrunched up and coughs left her mouth. It was getting hot, hotter than she expected, Jenin was once again scared.
Teardrops escaped her eyes, she wasn't quiet any longer, she wailed, she cried so loudly she finally felt alive.
Jenin had never cried out loud before, she was only ever used to quiet sobs and teardrops that blurred her eyes at midnight. Today was special, she wanted to live a little longer but she knew there was no point. It was already too late.
Jenin rolled up in a ball and hugged her knees tightly, she had never been more scared of death.
Just as Jenin thought her life was at its end, she heard yells, someone was yelling in the back. The fire, the smoke, the fear all blurred her head and she could not hear any outside noises for a while.
Jenin finally let go of herself and got up from the bed. Even at the end of her life, she desired hope to live on.
Jenin walked towards the little noises, her ears rang and she dared not look back, she could feel the intensity of the fire, the fear crawling up to her heart, she kept moving on.
The exit door to the apartment was right next to her parent's room so it wasn't much of a walk, she was next to the door as soon as she started walking.
Jenin finally heard the voices clearer. It was the love of her life. Her heart quickly wept in relief and she forgot about the fire for a second. But before Jenin could react, the fire alarms went off, her mind clouded with death, the smoke inside of the house unbearable to the lungs. Jenin could taste death. She was so close to freedom, she was so close to peace.
Jenin fell to her knees and her forehead rested on the door frame, Jenin smiled a little when she heard the voice of the person that always calmed her down, always saving her. And that was why today Jenin wanted to free him, of this burden, of herself.
Jenin wanted to say a last goodbye but the fire was here and she could not move any longer. Her throat felt dry and her heart ached.
Jenin's wishes, her life, her pain was all going to end, a part of her still wanted to live longer, to give herself a chance to find happiness, to fulfill her little wishes, to kiss her joy the last goodbye but wishes never come true.
Jenin finally let go of all her senses and just cried, her eyes swelled up to the point where they threatened to leak blood. Jenin could not hear the fire cracking, the alarm ringing, all she could hear was the little whimpering voice of the person on the other side of the door frame. The voice was begging her to open the door, to give him a chance, to give life a chance.
Jenin was tired, she was too tired to give life another chance, she had already fallen into that trap several other times and this time she chose to be stronger than life itself and invite death.
Jenin's consciousness was slipping away, the fire almost reaching her toes, she dared not feel any longer. But before the fire could kiss her feet, the door where Jenin rested her head flew open and the person inside fell into the arms of her saviour.
Before Jenin could figure out what had happened, she was being dragged outside of the fire. It felt cold, Jenin did not like it. She stepped out of her clustered mind and looked upwards but all she saw were distorted figures, some with hoods, and some imitating animal features. Jenin closed her eyes and felt the presence of a person behind her.
He hugged her so tightly, Jenin thought she might die of his embrace if not the fire. He was crying, so loudly that it hurt her ears but she ignored her thoughts and instead focused on the warm arms around her.
Jenin felt like she hadn't hugged someone in centuries, everything felt so broken. Once again, life had succeeded in giving her pain.
Jenin's heart whimpered and she finally let her consciousness take control of her mind. She was wrapped up with a soft blanket and being carried in the arms of her love. Jenin looked back and saw many people, dressed in red and yellow, yelling and entering a place where fire oozed like no tomorrow. She felt guilty.
Jenin hadn't mustered up the courage to look at the person who carried her in his arms and instead decided to let the time flow by. However, as soon as they exited the building, teardrops fell onto Jenin's face and she glanced upwards. The person holding her had the look of a tired old man who had almost lost all his will to live. Jenin felt sorry for him. She said nothing more and sobbed, they both silently cried, silently suffering.